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 Post subject: untwisting yesterday - part one very long
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 11:58 am 
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Twisted thoughts: Yesterday sucked so badly. I feel like I screwed up and lost the law firm $11,000. There were medical expenses from a medical malpractice case we settled that I was in charge of paying out of the settlement money. The amounts owed changed due to some insurance claims going through and consequently several of the medical providers we paid returned the checks to us. In the beginning, my boss said those checks should go back to the client, so I told the client that. Then after speaking with the office manager and with our bookkeeper, he changed his mind and said no we'll just keep the money since we reduced our attorney fee by 100,000.

Yesterday was hell. The client's husband called in the morning to schedule an appointment to come pick up a box of records and money he thought we owed them. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. The twisted part: I feel like Sue my co-worker who is also my friend got really mad at me. I feel like I screwed up. Maybe I got confused. If we weren't giving the money back then the attorney should have told the Williams that he changed his mind. Sue is pissed because it's 11,000 we are refunding. I lost it AGAIN and cried in front of my boss because basically I feel I got caught in the middle and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm pissed off that I cried in front of my boss because I feel like he thinks I'm going to have another nervous breakdown like when C and I broke up and I can't afford nor do I want to lose my job. My job is one of the few things that is going okay for the most part and I'm so scared I'm going to mess that up. I need my job to go okay for my own sanity. I need to feel like I have some control . I need to feel that I have something to hold onto. Plus, realistically I need the money to pay my bills.

So, I lost it and cried most of the day. Used some healthy coping mechanisms like playing woofleball and beating the crap out of the woofle ball and the home plate. Went through my therapy workbook and re-read some parts. Attempted to do my therapy homework which ironically is to come up with high and low distractions and coping mechanisms when I'm being overly emotional and out of wack.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting yesterday - part two very long
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:02 pm 
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Part two:

I also used unhealthy coping mechanisms like driving my car super fast up a mountain road after having two rum and cokes at the bar, which is bad. Number one rule: I am not supposed to drink when I'm feeling emotional. Didn't matter at that moment in time. I was so emotional and angry that I just didn't care at the time, and I need to fix that.

UNTWISTED PART: Yesterday was a very stressful work day. Plus, Chris came over on Saturday and finally got his stuff when I wasn't there as per my request and I haven't even really processed that because I've been hanging out with this Jeff guy a lot and probably haven't taken enough time for myself, so that is a factor which was probably making me more vulnerable to being emotional. Plus, I'm ragging and I know that makes me more emotional Yes, Sue is pissed because we are refunding the money and yes I think she thinks I screwed that part up a bit. But, she isn't going to stop being my friend because of it. Realistically, I was pissed at her yesterday too, but that's life, right? Sometimes, you get angry or stressed at your friends and co-workers. My boss said this wasn't my fault. He specifically said this wasn't my fault so the evidence suggests that I'm not going to lose my job over it. I hate the fact I cried in front of my boss again but once again I have to accept that I’m an emotional person and sometimes I just cry and I'm human and I have to try to accept that I’m not going to be perfect. And so I cried in front of my boss. Hopefully, I do my job well enough that he will put up with me being emotional at times. Just because I cried in front of my boss yesterday does not mean he is going to think I’m this crazy, unworthy employee or person

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting yesterday - part one very long
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:12 pm 
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Part Three:

Although I feel bad that I've just taken the last hour to type this, I also recognize that I don't do my work as well when I'm being overly emotional and freaking out. And I actually do feel calmer than when I started typing.

Yesterday was a perfect example of why I go to therapy and actually a perfect example of how to take a step back, look at the situation from yesterday and realize what options I do and did have that made yesterday better and made it worse. Also, all I can control is this present moment. Yesterday was a lot of reacting rather than acting. I am very glad therapy is tonight. lol.

I know that was super long. Thanks for listening as always.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting yesterday - part one very long
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 1:15 pm 
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It was interesting....it sounds like you've managed this one pretty well....!!

:elephant

keep on doing it.....everytime it will get easier.

:)


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting yesterday - part one very long
PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:29 pm 
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Thanks for the reply skiotter. It was a good learning experience for me. I learned that no matter where I am, even when it is work, there are times when I need to take a time out so I don't get overly emotional.

Oh, there's the other thing I learned from yesterday that my t brought up - once a week at least, I need to sit down at my computer and just process what is going on in my life. That way, I'll catch it before I go nutty and get super emotional. It's my new rule.

Anyways, thanks for listening!

smiles,

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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