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 Post subject: I got caught in the twist today
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 5:34 pm 
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First, my excuses: I'm PMSing and I've been completely off Zyprexa for just over a week. Ok, now that that's out of the way...

My father died of colon cancer when he was 52, which is pretty young for that disease. So, every five years, I get a colonoscopy. This is actually only my second one. Well, I was supposed to have it back in September. I asked for the time off from work. It was denied because they said I didn't have the time. I did. I showed them proof. They still denied me. So I put it off until November, because our flex time refills in October. Funny thing is we get paid out the flex time we don't use, and for someone who supposedly didn't have the flex time in September, I got paid out two unused days.

Anyway... I put in my request for Sunday and Monday off. I did this last week. Plenty of time, as we're supposed to ask at least 48 hours ahead. Guess what? Denied! No time. I have to add this is an automated system. So, no big deal, I clicked the little button to escalate it. I figured once a human saw the request, they'd put it through.

So here we are. Wednesday. I've heard nothing. I sent an email to the time-off powers that be asking what else I needed to do to get my request approved. Nothing. Towards the end of my lunch, I went to one of the folks in that department and explained the situation. To which he said, "You probably got denied because other people already took that time." Um, no. I specifically got denied because stupid program said I had no flex time available. He said he'd look into it.

And that's when it all came crashing down. I still had 20 minutes left for lunch so I went out to my car and called my H. And lost it. Tears. How I was just going to walk away from my job because they obviously don't respect their employees. I try to do everything right and I still get screwed. I'm going to take the time off even without approval because I'm not putting off this procedure and if I get fired, oh well. More tears. Then on to.... my survey scores keep coming back low, although I know I'm doing a good job with the customers. Supervisors are constantly sending out cudo emails about everyone else but ME. My ability is not being recognized. Why should I even waste my time here?

So I gathered myself together the best I could and went to my desk. When I opened my email, there it was... my time off was approved. Sheepish, much?

So let's see:

All-or-nothing thinking? Check.
Overgeneralization? Check.
Mental filter? Check.
Jumping to conclusions? BIG check.
Magnification? Check.
Emotional reasoning? Check.

Sigh... that's exhausting. I haven't been through that in a while. And I just flew into it. My skills - gone! I've gotten so much better at untwisting my thinking and today just threw me for a loop. Trying not to let that further twist my thinking. One time that I went over the edge is not the end of the world. I didn't do it in front of any co-workers. I went to my car and called my H. No one knew I lost it but him and me. In the past, I might have lost it in front of people at work. So that's a good thing, right? I guess I am falling into that all or nothing thinking. If I can fall off the edge like that, it must mean I'll never get this recovery thing after all.

Oh, and one last thing... HALT. Forgot that. All of them. That should have been the sign to step back. Must remember HALT.

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


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 Post subject: Re: I got caught in the twist today
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 5:49 pm 
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I'm pretty sure no one is perfect all the time... and it sounds like you did a good job of working through the situation and not making a scene and using the support available to you (DH) so I think you did well actually.
I don't know - is the idea to not have any twisted thinking at all? To somehow be able to put up a force field to prevent it from coming on? Or is the idea to recognize the twisted thinking and work through untwisting it in a productive way? ;)

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 Post subject: Re: I got caught in the twist today
PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:19 am 
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NotAMonster wrote:
I don't know - is the idea to not have any twisted thinking at all? To somehow be able to put up a force field to prevent it from coming on? Or is the idea to recognize the twisted thinking and work through untwisting it in a productive way? ;)


Maybe both (let's avoid that all or nothing, now ;) ) ... to have the number and frequency of episodes diminish, and to be better equipped for those that do happen?


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 Post subject: Re: I got caught in the twist today
PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 5:31 pm 
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Nobody's perfect, NAM? But I have to be!!! LOL That's one of my issues. My need to be perfect or all is lost. Back to the all or nothing thinking. Auspicious, I think you're right. It it both. So I guess I have been doing well. I didn't let my twistiness do any damage. I worked with the tools I had. In the future, I may be able to stop the twisted thinking before I go over the emotional edge. But what happened yesterday does not make me a failure.

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