Okay, it is my last weekend to study. My test is exactly one week from today. This morning I've been procrastinating instead of getting to the library to study. I'm procrastinating because I feel intense anxiety when I think about the test or even studying. I'm also feeling overwhelmed becasue it is the last weekend and at this point I don't know what I should study, if I should keep taking the practice tests, reread the chapters, do the practice sets, etc. I'm now at the library but have yet to study.
Skills I need to remember: stay in the moment. And, I can handle a little anxiety, knowing it will pass.
This test DOES NOT define me. It is just a test. I have put forth effort in studying. Although, I feel that my studying time just isn't good enough, that's probably a wacked perception because I typically feel like what I'm doing isn't good enough. The evidence suggests I have done my best and put forth effort in studying. I have read the chapters, done practice tests, done practice sets. I haven't gone out (except for Halloween) and instead I go to work and then try to study after work (and sometimes at work when I can get away with it safely)
Okay, let's try another skill to calm down. Right now, I am sitting on a chair, typing on a library computer. I feel my feet on the ground, I feel myself take a deep breath. The only control I have is over this moment.
This is somewhat unrelated but sometimes babbling just helps: I had an insight after talking to my parents the other night. My parents suggested that if the GRE was causing me this much anxiety, then maybe I shouldn't take it and give up on my grad school dream. I am always going to have intense emotions. That's the reality. But, am I going to let those emotions keep me from accomplishing the things I want to accomplish in my life? No, I'm not. All it means is that I have to work a little bit harder than the average person because first I have to use the skills to deal with my intense emotions, and then deal with whatever the situation is (like taking the GRE and studying for it) I am stubborn and in this situation, my stubborness is beneficial because I am not going to let the borderline issues get in my way of being the best me that I can be or accomplishing my goals.
Yes, I have anxiety. But am I going to let that anxiety get in the way of my dream? Realistically, it is a possibility that the anxiety might get in the way but I'll be damned if I don't at least try to the best of my ability.
I accept this test is important to me. I also accept it is not the end of the world if I don't do well on the test. I also accept I really don't like the thought of not doing well on the test. I am going to let that feeling float through my mind, accept I feel it, and then let it go. The only thing I have control over is this moment. So, right now I am going to go open my book, pick a chapter and reread it. Right. Now.
As always, thanks for listening.
_________________ "I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."
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