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 Post subject: I GET SOOOO JEALOUS!
PostPosted: Thu Dec 10, 2009 7:00 pm 
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so here it is... another time when i start thinking to much and eventually making my own conclusion in which case are normally the worst. so me and my bf have a mutual friend... i met her before i met him but anyway.. she's beautiful and talented... my bf is hot and talented all around and really freaking smart.. me?..well im not. anyways, there have been several occasions where i thought she may have possibly liked him.. and of course being a hot chick and him being a guy, i would (and as of now still do) think she could easily get him if she wanted to... i have told her how i felt many times and she has repeatedly told me that she has not interest in my bf...and my bf has explained the same..(sighs) fair enough...but it gets to me when he calls and wants to hang out with her sometimes... to the point where i start thinking that he likes hanging out with her way more than me because i am boring.... i really want to find something, a hobby... an interest that makes me more appealing, but i have tried and no luck... i know they are just friends, but this wave of jealousy takes me over and i become this psycho.. *.. that no one wants to be around...in terms of my bpd, i think i have been able to pretty much handle my emotions substantially better than how i used to.. but what do i dooooo?):

ps.. i guess my other issue is wanting to feel wanted.. all of the time. like in the beginning of our relationship as merely friends, he wanted to hang around me all of the time... i know that this is selfish and unrealistic, but how can i control my waves of jealousy especially against people who are intellectually interesting, entertaining fun, gifted and well, everything i am not?


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 Post subject: Re: I GET SOOOO JEALOUS!
PostPosted: Thu Dec 10, 2009 7:07 pm 
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It sounds like you're not feeling too secure in yourself. You have great qualities that attracted your bf and your friend to you. You seem to be putting them up on a pedestal and then looking down on yourself. I've been there many, many times! So how about you pick one twist that you see in your post and try working on untwisting. Don't try to do things all at once. That's the recipe for getting overwhelmed. So what's ONE piece of this issue that you can tackle. And I think once you're able to tackle one, then the next and the next start to come more easily.

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 Post subject: Re: I GET SOOOO JEALOUS!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 8:21 am 
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well in terms of a twisted thought, i guess i am using magnification... and i guess one good way to work on getting out of that is using the double standard method where instead of putting myself down i try to talk to myself the same way that i treat my friends and loved ones... -and i do have a tendency to compliment them A LOT.
So Trinity, how would you recommend i do this? Should i make it an everyday routine to compliment myself or should I do it only when i start feeling insecure.. idk i'm sorry to be negative but now-a-day i feel so used to failing in things that i think matter, especially academically, it's hard to see the good. -wait, now i guess im doing it again (grrr!) i would like to think be more confident in myself, but there are two issues, like i said, the things that really seem to matter i'm not doing too well in and two, i don't like arrogant people and i feel like having i guess, "too much" confidence is one step away from thinking you're better than everyone, and that's something i don't want to do so where do you really draw the line on feeling secure and confident about yourself.
(sorry lots of questions, i just need help in sorting this all out and to get another perspective.


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 Post subject: Re: I GET SOOOO JEALOUS!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 12:17 am 
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I feel for you, I really do. I want you to relate to something with me now.

Say this to yourself as you're reading this, "I have Borderline Personality Disorder, but Borderline Personality Disorder does not have me"

You're human girlfriend and jeaousy is a normal human emotion! Don't beat yourself up over it! I know I would feel threatened if another man was talking to my girlfriend because it's human instinct to feel this way.

Instead of letting this jealousy feeling drive you down, make it feel like you're alive; because if you weren't human, you wouldn't feel jealousy! Right?

Try this next time you're feeling jealousy. Accept yourself as a human being and your jealousy is a normal human emotion first and foremost.

THEN, if you don't like to feel jealousy, then recreate the situation and replace it with a positive feeling. Replace the thought and feeling of jealousy with an opposite positive thought and feeling.

Like gratitude and/or love!

Instead of saying to yourself, "I feel jealous my bf is talking with my friend, but I don't want to feel this way anymore", replace it with, "I know I'm jealous that my bf is taking with my friend, and it is a normal human emotion, but how can I feel love and appreciation fo my bf and my friend at the same time".

When you shift your mind to think differently and pose a challanging question against it, it will naturally fnd an answer for you based on the shift.

"Insanity is truly defined as doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results"


I hope this helped

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 Post subject: Re: I GET SOOOO JEALOUS!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 7:25 am 
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I know this is an old thread, and you may not even h ave the issue anymore, but it hurt me to read it because I can relate. I bet if you sat down and made a list of good qualities about yourself, and be honest, you would find a good many of them. So maybe you can't climb mount everest or knit a sweater in an afternoon or fix a carburator or repair the dishwasher or whatever. But you can do something.

I have the same issues.

I have a 3.89 GPA in college and I'm 37, been years since I've been to school. I'm a senior and will end up graduating with honors. Does it matter to me when my boyfriend is talking extensively about snakes to another girl online? I have owned snakes all my life and I love takling about them and looking at them. Why doesn't he just talk about them with me? Why does he have to talk about them with some other girl? Why is always a girl?

I have left a husband after almost 14 years of marriage and had no education, had not held a job in a year, and now my kids and I have a home, I (had) a great job until 2 weeks ago when company went under, I bought a car two months ago that is mine and no one else's. Does that matter to me when my boyfriend is talking on twitter with someone 24 year old in new york who has just come back from a movie convention and met several movie directors and stars that impresses my boyfriend? Nope. It doesnt' matter in the least.

I sew my kids' halloween costumes. I have an extensive music and movie knowledge. I am a history buff and enjoy poetry and hiking and reading. But nothing I do matters to me or anyone else. See? I see the BPD talking in this but that doesn't change that it's the way I feel.

And you may be the same way, discounting good things about you.

One thing that has given me confidence is that my kids and I have taken up hiking. We started with marked, paved trails and are working our way up. My daughter has self esteem issues and doesn't want to show off her considerable talents. I think this is helping her as well. We take pictures while we're out and I post about our hiking trips on my blog. It gets me away from the computer and away from checking up on what he's doing. I get out and get physical and the adrenaline rush lasts for days afterward. I feel good and happy and my limbs feel blood rushing through them and I have happy experiences and experiences that are a little scary but exciting. And I'm working on my fear of driving anywhere outside my safe zone by taking us to different places (also my fear of bridges). I'm proud of this. It's all mine (and my kids'). It has nothing to do with m y boyfriend or his online friends or anything they do or talk about. It's unique to me and no one can touch it.

Did your boyfriend know this girl before you knew him? Maybe you can look at it like, if he had wanted her, he would have had her before he met you. He didn't want her, that's why they are friends. Instead of giving her the ego boost (i know, it is my way of thinking and she may not be getting athrill out of it) by letting her know you are jealous of her, try planning for something possibly physical to do when they get together, like yoga or a ballroom dancing class or a painting class or even just taking a walk in the park when you know they are together, with an MP3 player of your favorite angry tunes to get it our of your system. You'll feel better at least physically, and then maybe when you get back and see one of them again and they tlak about what they did or talked about, you can say, "Oh, that's cool. I had a really wonderful walk. I can't believe that I didn't do this sooner!" That way, instead of sitting there feeling miserable about what they might have done or said, you have something to tell right back at them.

Hobbies? Girl! I have gone over all that in my head too very recently. I have even complained to my boyfriend that his taking the things we shared (movies and music) and talking to others online abot them has made me feel the need to get new hobbies that don't involve him and his online friends. It plagues me off and on when there isn't anything else to think about to make me feel bad about myself. There are tons of things out there that can enrich your alone time. You don't even have to stick with one. Buy a keyboard and a how-to-play piano book and see if that's fun for you. Get a karaoke game and sing really loudly when no one else is there. Latch-hook rugs. Get a bird-watching book or (what my kids and I do) a snake identification book and get outside. You'll find yourself walking iwth your boyfriend and going "Oh, a yellow-bellied warbler!" (if that's even a real bird, LOL) and feeling good about yourself for knowing that.

I believe that knowledge is the key to all happiness. If you know things that you can teach others you feel good and they feel good. If you understand the way your brain and the world works, you can deal with your problems. It can even boost your self-esteem.

Get some CDs and study a language you always wanted to learn. Study it for a few weeks and then rent a movie in that language and put on the subtitles and see if you can pick out any words they are saying. But do it for you, to distract you when they are together, and to have a good comeback of things you did that were fun when they talk about things they did togther. You are never ever stuck being what you are at this very minute even if what you are is wonderful and talented and I'm sure that you are those things. You just can't see it. You can always add to that wonder that is you. Do it for you, for your happiness. You will feel better abotu yourself and you will see the results of that resonate all through your life. It will energize you.


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