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 Post subject: The next step for me?
PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 9:18 am 
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I’ve spent a lot of time and effort working to radically accept a former relationship is over without judgment and I’ve made some good progress. Yet it’s clear, from working the tools on this site, that I still have work to do with untwisting my thinking. So I’ve decided to work on this as it relates to this former relationship. I think this will be challenging to me and I’m a little concerned about the fall out, (will I slip back several steps) as a part of me wonders if it too soon to try this, but I see this is an area that I need to work on so I guess the worst thing that can happen is I’ll stubble and it will hurt for a while – but that will pass with time and it will get better as I learn to work the tools. I hope t this makes sense.

When my mind thinks of accepting it’s over as loosing what I had. I’m going to work to blend this with “but also look what I have learned and the progress I’ve made at being a better person for me”.

When I feel sad about her not in my life I’m going to work to blending this with “remembering the good times we had together” – (accepting that this is just in the past and therefore can’t be changed).

When my mind shifts to thinking about all the things I did wrong – I’ll work to balance this with “a lot of good things I did really well”.

When I remember the things I liked about her I’m going to blend this with the things that I didn’t like.

As I work though each memories and feeling I’ll work to accept this is just a fragment of my life and therefore try to keep these emotions from overtaking my whole self as these fragments are just little parts of my past and therefore do not represent the whole me.

As I consider this process it makes me want to talk with her. I’m not sure if that is good or bad but I am sick of being scared of seeing her. My thought is, if I just bump into her – it will feel really awkward, (fortune telling) and I’ll be mean or rude. Currently I’m just trying to avoid seeing her.


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 Post subject: Re: The next step for me?
PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 6:49 pm 
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I’m physically struggling with the implementation of these concepts. My mind seems to be working the newer issues, blending the bad with good while trying to maintain the acceptance it’s over. The assumptions and judgments are trying to jump in, (much more than in the previous few days) but I’m catching them in the early stages. I’m having a few issues with separating the fragments – when I feel emotional response they want to take over my whole world. I wander if it was too soon to try this.

I’m not sure if this is anxiety or what. My body is just not comfortable at all. It’s like I opened up a can of worms. I’m really not sure what to make of this. Does this type of response make sense to anyone?


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 Post subject: Re: The next step for me?
PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 11:18 pm 
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Trial and error...What's wrong with it, really?

It lets you know if you're ready. It lets you know if you're just not quite 'there' yet. It also can confuse the hell out of you.

Anchorage, hear me out: It's ok to be incredibly uncomfortable and doubtful of the new changes and adaptations you're trying to make to your lifestyle. For many of us, this is years of 'undoing'. I just say undoing because I don't like the term 'rewiring', and tonight I suck at coming up with other synonyms, so define it as you wish.

In the short time you have been posting here, I've seen an incredible amount of courage and daring...To change, to create a better, healthier life for yourself. You are making such fantastic progress. I wish for you to give yourself a little more credit. You are doing well - Trust in it. Trust in it that even if you steer yourself down a path that fees weird and strange, as long as it is bettering YOUR mental state, and YOU feel you're bringing yourself to a healthier state of mind it is ok - No one has to approve.

You're counteracting the negative with a positive - Fabulous! Honestly Anchorage, you are doing so well on your own. You need to experience that trial and error, solo. You need to question your ideas, expand and experiments with your methods. You can ALWAYS come here and ask our opinions(and I will give you my own) as well as seek support, but please put stock in yourself. You have a great handle on it.

Who is comfortable trying to change the ideas and behaviors they've held for a long time, years on end even? I sure as hell know I'm not. It feels weird. It felt like I was trying to be someone I wasn't - But for me, it was just resistance to change. Who cares if the tried and true failed me horribly? Whatever, it was familiar. Yeah, that was the attitude that threatened my happiness every time. So I just sort of adjusted to feeling 'weird'. I let the weird and uncomfortableness ride out for a bit, and THEN made the decision on whether or not this was actually good for me and I needed time to adjust, or it simply wasn't for me. This is a great thing for those of us that are impulsive and make decisions quickly without taking all things into consideration.

I am not trying to put you down, and I hope you don't take it that way - It's very inspirational to see someone have a decent grip, and I would like to see them take it through. But I also understand it is very normal to question everything that comes your way. Also, such a big part of it is learning to trust in yourself. Just give yourself a bit of time. Try it. It might feel funky, but see if that feeling leads you anywhere else before you write it off.

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The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.


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 Post subject: Re: The next step for me?
PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 12:07 am 
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Thanks Myiasa,

Miyasa wrote:
I wish for you to give yourself a little more credit.


This is one of the things I trying to blend and feel good about :)

Miyasa wrote:
You need to experience that trial and error, solo. You need to question your ideas, expand and experiments with your methods.


I agree it would be good for me to work ideas on my own, I think this is the best way to learn. A lot of this stuff is scary and is so strange that I have a hard time understanding what's happening to me. But I will make an effort to try it myself first.

Miyasa wrote:
Who is comfortable trying to change the ideas and behaviors they've held for a long time, years on end even? I sure as hell know I'm not. It feels weird. It felt like I was trying to be someone I wasn't - But for me, it was just resistance to change. Who cares if the tried and true failed me horribly? Whatever, it was familiar. Yeah, that was the attitude that threatened my happiness every time. So I just sort of adjusted to feeling 'weird'. I let the weird and uncomfortableness ride out for a bit, and THEN made the decision on whether or not this was actually good for me and I needed time to adjust, or it simply wasn't for me. This is a great thing for those of us that are impulsive and make decisions quickly without taking all things into consideration.


Thanks for this insight.

Miyasa wrote:
I am not trying to put you down, and I hope you don't take it that way


No I don't, I thank you for the time you have taken to provide me with this input.

Miyasa wrote:
Also, such a big part of it is learning to trust in yourself. Just give yourself a bit of time. Try it. It might feel funky, but see if that feeling leads you anywhere else before you write it off.


I'm startingt to feel better about understanding myself. I'll keep working on it.

There are two main reasons I post here so much. First, I don’t have anyone else that understands me, so it’s up to me to find the right answers. Second, I will not go back to my former life and the way I was thinking – it was a place I hated. I need to work my way into a healthy happy life.


Thanks again for everything.


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 Post subject: Re: The next step for me?
PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:47 am 
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Hi there again Anchorage,

Reading back on my post I realize how it could come across that I was saying something about negative on the frequency of your posts. That was not my intention and I am sorry that I may have communicated it that way. Questions are never silly. And in your own time, I am sure you WILL find that blend :)

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The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.


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 Post subject: Re: The next step for me?
PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:57 am 
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Miyana,

There is no reason for you to apologize. First I didn’t take it personal. Second, you have a good point and for me, I think it’s a good idea to stop, work the five steps, and try to see the answer for myself. If I can’t find it or need help I’ll be posting. And lastly, again thanks for taking the time to help me see things in a positive way. Yourself and so many others on this site have taken the time to help me work towards my recovery and I don’t think I’m over stating the fact, that there is no way I would have learned what I have, found the strength and conviction to see my path towards recovery, and learned to like myself (ok not all the time - lol) without people such as yourself. If you ever need to call me on twisted thinking or want to question my ideas, please do.

Thank you 


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