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 Post subject: untwisting, pissed off and venting all at one
PostPosted: Wed Feb 24, 2010 10:34 pm 
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First I"m going to vent, in the hopes I draw the venom I feel inside of me out.

I hate my ex Chris. I really truly feel hatred towards that man right now. The open house for graduate school is this weekend in Denver and I got into a fender bender on Saturday so I don't think I can safely drive my car to the open house, which is three hours away. My roomie suggested I ask if I could swap cars with Chris for the weekend (he has a truck) because I'm low on money and need to save money rather than spend it on a rental car and hotel. I call him. I ask him if we could possibly swap cars for the weekend. I tell him I know it is a huge favor and to take time and think about it and let me know. He tells me he is uncomfortable with that because I'm not used to a truck and he's afraid I'll wreck it basically. Instead, he wants to come to my work tomorrow to take a look at the car and he'll decide if it is driveable and then he'll decide if it isn't driveable if I can swap cars with him.

First off, I am angry that as usual with him, it has to be his way. I don't want him to come to work. I don't want to be on pins and needles all day and probably be emotional from seeing him and then have to go back to work. Realistically, that will happen - that I will get emotional over seeing him because the truth is I am really still angry at him for cheating on me, I"m not over him completely yet, and I am EXTREMELY angry that he asked me to move out here and then cheated 6 months later. I AM ANGRY STILL. My roommate says I have to let that go and I understand that I am allowing that anger to color this situation with the swapping cars. The twisted part: I MOVED here for you. I left everything I know to commit to you and you cheated, lied, strung me along and blew me off. And now, you can't even help me out when I'm trying to make my life better and move on? That is why I am so angry. And, I'm angry that again you are trying to control the situation before you tell me yes or no. I am angry that he said "I'll just put it on my list of things to do" when he offered to come look at my car .... which is a trap in a way ... I feel like he wants me to feel guilty ... manipulative in the way. I would actually prefer that he just say, no I am not comfortable with that. yes, realistically I would probably still feel angry but at least it would be clear cut. Is it wrong to say...I don't want to see the bastard, I just need a vehicle, preferably a free one, to get to Denver and back?

Maybe I should have taken more time to decide if asking him was a good idea in the first place. Probably. Maybe spending $80 on the bus ticket or rental car would in this instance be better ... at least emotionally although not financially.

Okay, untwisting - it is what it is. Chris hasn't changed and this is classic Chris - trying to control the situation but still trying to come off as the good guy. It is twisted on my part (I think, although I'm not really sure to be honest) to keep replaying the "I moved here for you" thing. What is in the past is in the past. If (when) he says no I can't borrow his car, it is twisted of me to think, "Don't I at least deserve your help when I have given so much to you and helped you so much?" That part is probably twisted on my part although again, I'm not really sure. I can't quite tell in this instance.

Okay, so what do I know? I know that I got extremely emotional over that phone call. I also know that I handled it well. I wasn't destructive. I focused on my breathing and I realized I was being overly emotional. When I was calmer, I think I took appropriate action by texting him and saying that I was just going to take the car to the shop and let the mechanic tell me if it is driveable and therefore thank you but I wouuld prefer he didn't stop by my work to look at it. I DO know that it is not a smart idea for me to see him, especially when I have to go back to work. I also know that although I would like to be friends with him in the future, that time is NOT now. I am still too angry and hurt.

It is all scrambled. I think I need to come back to this and try to untwist again.

Thanks for listening.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting, pissed off and venting all at one
PostPosted: Wed Feb 24, 2010 11:29 pm 
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yes, I definitely see I need to come back to this and untwist more. lol. I definitely see a lot of emotion and hence probably emotional reasoning in my previous post. Another thing I failed to consider is the "don't take it personally" rule. Of course, Chris is going to react in the way he did because he isn't working on himself and he hasn't changed. And, he's Chris. He can only give what he can give, and I already know that that is limited due to his own issues. And I reacted like I tend to do, very emotionally and by feeling upset.

The facts: I need a car to get to Denver this weekend. My roommate offered but her car probably won't make it over the pass, which she even said. Chris was an option, which is an option I don't think I fully thought through before asking him. I can rent a car or take a bus. I can doublecheck with the autobody shop and see if my car would be okay to make it. Or, I can call my insurance and see if a rental car is covered under my policy to take for the weekend, and hence be free.

So, tomorrow I am going to check with the autobody shop to see if it is safe to drive my car, call my insurance agent and explain the situation to see if I can get a free rental car and check out prices online to see how much it might cost me for a rental car on my own.


Just thinking it through some more ... thanks for listening.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting, pissed off and venting all at one
PostPosted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 10:21 am 
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It sounds to me like you're doing a good job of untangling your feelings and putting appropriate thoughts into the situation.

I am sorry to hear about your car. Hopefully you'll be able to get to Denver safely and economically without having to deal with Chris unnecessarily.


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting, pissed off and venting all at one
PostPosted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 7:56 pm 
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Thanks Nik!

I find it really helps to post as I"m going through something as well as later after I've had a chance to calm down. It's amazing how the first one is almost always emotional mind and the second might not be wise mind but is at least closer. lol

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting, pissed off and venting all at one
PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 7:15 am 
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My thoughts when involving my ex are probably as twisted as yours, if not 100 times moreso. I have stayed up all night before throwing up in the bathroom over dealing with him. We were married almost 14 years and he got some girl (yes, young girl) pregnant before our divorce was even final and moved her in with him and then got married the second our divorce went through. Yet he still gives me a hard time.

I call it catastrophizing. That is what my therapist said when i had money to see a therapist, that is. I do it to an alarming degree. When my kids go to New Orleans to the zoo with their dad, I don't sleep a wink for a week before and all the time they are there because I envision them getting into a car wreck, him letting one of them go to a public restroom alone and someone molesting, killing, or kidnapping them, not watching them in the street or in the hotel lobby, etc. You name it I worry about it. I have worried about things like, if there is some sort of invastion or apocolyptic event while they are at school and I can't get to them, will they know how to find their way home if all they can do is walk!

If I see my boyfriend type "That's wonderful! Thanks! :) "
to some girl on twitter who has her twitter feed set to private and I can't see what he was responding to, I spend a week crying, feeling panicked and nauseous, thiking of all sorts of things he could be responding to her about like if she had said one of the following:

1. i will send you a ticket to come up here and visit me
2. if you decide to come next year for the film fest, you can stay at my place
3. i texted you my phone number so you can call me sometime
4. i sent a naked pic of my self to your email address

See what I mean? I used to think these were normal thoughts that every woman had. I'm still not sure if they are or not.


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting, pissed off and venting all at one
PostPosted: Sun Apr 18, 2010 9:23 pm 
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Yes, forsaken I understand. If I had an Indian name it would be, she who worries to much, constantly. lol.

So, I'm wondering what skills will help with the castrophizing and anxiety issues? I know there are some, but for the life of me I can't remember right now. Maybe it is time to pull out the dbt workbook and anxiety workbook and review. lol.

I do understand what you are saying about your ex. It's been a year and two months for me since we broke up, and I still flip everytime I see him respond to a girl on facebook. I know it is dysfunctional. And yet it still happens all the time.

((hugs))

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting, pissed off and venting all at one
PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 8:30 am 
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Hi Pip. Sorry to hear you are having a difficult bout. Try to keep in mind that you've made it through worse and come out better for it!
Quote:
So, I'm wondering what skills will help with the castrophizing and anxiety issues?

I always first go back to breath. When I begin to catastrophize or start really worrying about something, anything, I draw my attention to my breath. I inhale slowly through my nose for as many counts as I can, then try to match the exhale counts up with the inhale (if I inhale for a count of 20, I exhale for a count of 20). I try to just breath for at least a couple of minutes and to be honest, when I'm done I already feel more capable of dealing with whatever is bothering me.

If I'm feeling just over-all anxious about everything, I make sure to get out as much excess energy as possible in other ways-- I like to go for daily runs and do lots of yoga. By getting this energy out in a positive way, well, it isn't as likely to manifest as anxiety. The energy is there, I just have to find a way to use it to my benefit rather than my detriment. I also watch my diet when I'm feeling anxious-- caffeine or sugary stuff just makes anxiety worse for me so I try to eat only complex carbs and lots of fruits and nuts and veggies. It really makes a difference for me.

Untwisting those thoughts, one by one, is also a really good way of combating this, which I see you are already doing. But just changing my words helps me in strange but really powerful ways. Instead of claiming something is "Horrible" or "the end of the world" I'll state that it's "difficult" or "challenging". Instead of "worrying" about something, I'm "concerned". I try to really be honest with myself about the actual severity of a situation rather than jumping to the worst it can possibly be. The more I can catch myself in the moment with this type of thing, the better, but even if I only think of it after the fact that works for me too.

Also, plan a way of dealing with the issue. Tangible steps you can take to make it better. There is always something that can be done, even if the issue is nebulous. By writing down my plan....well, I feel better already. Remember, it's the little steps that count! Break things down into manageable chunks and fight them one at a time.

Hope that helps! :biggrin

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