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 Post subject: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:04 am 
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So I'm in a complete tail spin this second and sharing this with some kind of person (whatever this digital community is) seems imperative although I'm sure it isn't and no-one else could possibly understand the chaos in me right now so I'm here. My presence explained, it's an abandonment spin that just hurts like hell. The shame is overwhelming. Trying not to smoke, drink, drug, or do any other self-medication which will ultimately harm me, but I'm crying out for a fag at least. Got a coffee. Got low blood pressure anyway so not too bad.

Tools tools...

Ok, I'm experiencing a (perceived) abandonment and every time I think about this person that's ALL I can feel. I'm completely obsessed with them so my mind keeps wandering back to them. Oh God this is ridiculous but HOW it's doing my head in! It fucking hurts like hell.

I won't hear from him ever again, I know it, even though the word friend has been used by him, and we've certainly never been anything more, it's just in my head, my wanting him which has absolutely no relationship with what he wants from me except that wanting him may well be encouraged by him not wanting me at all. God knows. I feel completely responsible for him not wanting me when the truth is he actually told me he has "avoidant" issues, he used that word, after telling me he hasn't had a relationship for 12 years! I mean how the hell can I be responsible for him not wanting me with all that baggage of his? My attraction to him fits a pattern of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men who are capable of no more than rejecting me, who I'm attracted BECAUSE they'll reject me, thereby bringing about an abandonment and my big fat achilles heel is kicked and here the hell I am, bawling, all abandoned. And every single fucking person I call for support does the same so what's the fucking point, I may as well type into a vacuum on the net and read about others in my shoes.

The last time we spoke it was a great conversation with lots of connection. But the connection with him is severed the moment he says goodbye bc, well, like he said, he's avoidant. My T, when i told him said "this guy's got problems" - yeah, he does. Then I meet with our mutual friend, who in his words is as new a friend as myself, and have coffee. Told her about the problems with me obsessing over him, and then she texts me when I get home telling me he called wanting a coffee but is too busy and might meet up with him tomorrow. And this information just sends me into a COMPLETE abandonment reaction, so much so that I'm as borderline right now as ever in my life, except, well, I'm not self-medicating. And what's the POINT in feeling these feelings rather than medicating them away when they don't go away anyway? It's not like these feelings just need to be worked through and then they're gone. No, THESE feelings are a glitch. They're the screwed up tape loop terminal trigger tripwire inside of me that just cannot be removed. So why not medicate the little fuckers away? And working through it, well, let's see where that gets me.

So in this one bit of information I hear that E wants T's time more than mine, AND she's unavailable so he doesn't call me instead. He just doesn't want to see me. This is where he's rejected me. He prefers T. The voice in my mind is telling me that he knows I have this crazy obsessive crush, or even some mildly normal crush, and he didn't call me instead bc he doesn't want to encourage me bc he can think of nothing worse than being involved with me bc I'm the most ghastly woman to ever set foot on the planet. And that just confirms how ridiculously unlovable I am.

Ok, crazy thoughts yes. So there's little evidence that things really are that bad, and there's also no evidence that he finds my company at all tolerable, outside of a few really nice conversations. Ones where I thought some depth or dimension had developed in our relationship. But has he ever contacted me for anything outside of strictly business? No. Has he ever contacted me for social reasons? No. He contacts others, as evidenced by asking T for a coffee so that concludes that he doesn't want social contact with me which makes me wonder why the hell he called me his friend when I didn't feed that to him at all. Or maybe he's completely in love with me but bc he has avoidant issues he just can't see me.

Ok, I'm investing way too much into what he does or doesn't think of me, which I'll never know anyway. I'm investing way too much into what he thinks of me. I've built him into someone who I need something from, all on my own, without any commitment or even a hint from him that he's up for that role. I need something from him bc I have a hole inside. It's a beer glass shaped hole, a bong shaped hole, a cigarette shaped hole, and has always been a somewhat generic man shaped hole, preferably a generic emotionally unavailable man shaped hole. Someone told me recently it's actually a God shaped hole and that's who I'm calling on right this second to help me with this FUCKING HOLE. Because it's so despairing and I just do not know how to fill it. I'm frantic, brimming with shame, desperate for love, and the best I can do right now is avoid spreading hurt and just write. Write write into the vacuum. Why even post this? Does anyone need to witness my struggle? Does it not validate my entire codependent existence to have another read this? Even comment? Is that not the man shaped hole? The generic person shaped hole, shaped in everyone's shaped but my own? If I don't send this then perhaps I'm fashioning that hole into a Sarah shaped hole.

Why does Sarah place her worth on what other people say? Why when they've never done much to help. When at the moment of despair it's Sarah who picks her up, no-one else. At this very moment my options are: alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, unavailable absentees, or Sarah. Ok, so Sarah's got to be it then bc I've had it with the alcohol/drug/cigarette/absent friend. They just make it all worse in the long run and they all, every one of them, just mean I'm abandoning me.

So it's Sarah. I'm not even sure what God is, and wonder if it matters anyway, but I have become quite sure that God is the only one who can help me. And in order to get God's help, I have to be present and awake, which i won't be full of beer, wine or drugs. So here I am. Just a girl, looking at a God, asking Him to love her.

Yes, that was a deliberate reference to Notting Hill.

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 4:47 pm 
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If everyone always abandons you, perhaps it's part of Sarah's Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 7:33 pm 
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Yes. A prophecy that's easy to fulfill when I lay down the strict conditions of what an abandonment involves.

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 9:17 pm 
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I am wondering, Sarah, if you would be open to me replying to your post with a couple of suggestions which relate to what you wrote about God. If you aren't open to me doing so, though, then I apologize for posting to you.

Erika


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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Sun Apr 18, 2010 12:08 am 
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No. I am not interested in what you have to say to me. Not even sorry.

Please refrain from posting in my threads, posting to me on CC and sending PMs to me.

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Sun Apr 18, 2010 8:26 am 
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How are you doing now Sarah? Did it help at all to get things out of your system here?

Quote:
Why even post this? Does anyone need to witness my struggle? Does it not validate my entire codependent existence to have another read this? Even comment?

I think that's a tricky one because we do all need support. The fact that you have copendent tendencies doesn't mean you don't need support, it's just a question of finding a balance (just! Ha ha. I hope you get what I mean. ;) )

Maybe beating yourself up about this isn't the way to go. Maybe radically accepting the way you feel might make it easier for you to give yourself that nurturing you need? Just a thought.

Lirael

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 11:52 am 
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Sarah wrote:
Yes. A prophecy that's easy to fulfill when I lay down the strict conditions of what an abandonment involves.

It sounds to me like you already know where the work lies - within yourself, with regard to the beliefs & expectations you place on others, about your own path, the likely outcomes, etc. Will you do any work in those areas? Or are you content to proceed as you always have, with a tiny spark of hope that things will somehow miraculously change without any genuine work on yourself?

That's not to say that you haven't been working on yourself, Sarah. I know you have. It seems, though, that you chuck it all to the side & pretend none of it ever happened once you notice a glimmer of a spark of interest from someone else and you set off at 100 mph to obtain that elusive "someone else to fill all your needs."

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 9:45 pm 
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Thanks for your enquiries Lirael and Ash,

Yeah Ash, I see where you're coming from. I haven't had a lot of direction about what to actually DO with these problems in the past. It really has been so hard finding answers. I think I do have a bit more direction now. My plan is for my freak outs to stop. Since quitting pot, cigarettes and alcohol I've found it very difficult not to fall into this obsession. I've know the consequences too. The cause being the hole, referred to in original post. So the question really is: "what do I do to fill that hole?".

I do have a sense that spirituality will help. I can see why. The hole is my "sense of self". That's such a vague intangible thing, a sense of self. what exactly is it? AA calls it a "spiritual malady". I can see that, I get that, but it's not quite it. Not entirely. I think it's about being aware of that, that I'm losing track of my "self". Meditation and mindfulness can help me get back on track of my 'self' bc the self is there, it just recedes so easily and other people can take that position, people like those obsessions. It's about listening to and trusting my 'self'.

Developing my interests is important, my tastes, my identity as being true to my 'self'. A lot of that is exploring my self and figuring out exactly what makes me me.

But I think also that community and connection is important. Really important. Yet it needs to be done with careful boundaries in place, bc it's within community that I can easily lose my 'self'.

The other thing is to continue the self-care. Meditation, exercise, good sleep, nurturing, journaling, allowing my feelings to process, allowing myself to feel (ie: avoiding self medication) and continuing to listen to that wise mind (avoiding reactivity).

What do you reckon?

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 7:09 am 
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Sarah, I like what you have to say, and I'm inclined to think you are on the right track.

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 8:01 pm 
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Thanks Ellen. It really means a lot to hear that because I'm so tired of not knowing what to do or what will really work.

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 9:31 pm 
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Hi Sarah,
I'm a real newbie on this site & I hesitate to respond; however, just wanted to tell you that, for what it's worth, you have helped me by posting this. I suspect it might be difficult for you to believe but I can relate to your pain & anguish. Been there.. done that.. many times.
What strikes me more though is how you managed to work through a great deal by writing, sharing with a few others here & coming up with coping methods that basically are saying to me... "Love yourself" and " Stop giving your power away to others."
Now, I know that is not what you said in so many words BUT that is what I read & I really needed to " hear" that for myself. TYVM :)
Hug@ Sarah
Pan


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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 5:42 pm 
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I reckon you're onto something big and right.

To define your sense of self, ask yourself what you believe, like, dislike, enjoy, are good at, tried but didn't like, etc. If you look at all of those things as a whole as if it were someone else, write a story about that woman. How does she look at life, respond to chaos, handle the silence, deal with crises, etc.?

Once you do that, or even as you're doing that, look around your life that remind you of pieces of that woman. Who in your life handles chaos well / the way you would like to be? Who in your life seems content with alone-time / silence? Use them as role models. Instead of "What would Jesus do?" substitute the role model's name for situations you face as you notice some of those old panic / obsession feelings start to bubble up.

And I would suggest getting out into the world more for the purpose of solidifying that sense of self. Sign up for a free or low-cost class so you can connect with some like-minded individuals whilst enjoying yourself. Or volunteer at some organization that aligns with your sense of self. But above-all, make sure to continually reminding yourself that it's about YOU and NOT about meeting or dating someone. In fact, make friends all you want but do NOT date anyone you meet as the result of your sense of self exercises until after you've dated someone else you met elsewhere & successfully ended things with him without losing your sense of self. I don't think you will have a true handle on your sense of self until you're able to end a relationship successfully. There may still be some grief at the ending of a relationship but there shouldn't be a desperate sense of abandonment & loss of meaning of life with the extraction of the other person.

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Fri Apr 30, 2010 12:31 pm 
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Sarah wrote:
And what's the POINT in feeling these feelings rather than medicating them away when they don't go away anyway? It's not like these feelings just need to be worked through and then they're gone. No, THESE feelings are a glitch. They're the screwed up tape loop terminal trigger tripwire inside of me that just cannot be removed. So why not medicate the little fuckers away?


This kind of jumped out at me ... it reminded me of the DBT truism that "pain + nonacceptance = suffering".

Let's say (just for the sake of argument) that the worst case scenario regarding the feelings were true - that they weren't going to go away. What would your choices be then?


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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2010 6:43 am 
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One of my choices, Auspicious, would be to work through the feelings I was having to later find that my irrational conclusion during my aggrieved state were untrue, which was in fact what I did.

Ash, I've been meaning to return to your post but just haven't had a chance to devote some concentration to it yet. I have been thinking about your post though and will get back to you about it asap.

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 Post subject: Re: Just doing whatever I can right now
PostPosted: Wed May 05, 2010 9:09 pm 
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Wow. I completely relate, sarah. I am experiencing a similar obsession at the moment and it is excruciating. It happens with every guy I am with. I just can't be rejected. It does not happen with anyone other than romantic relationships. I do not feel complete without them. I give up all my interests to conform to their lives. And I text and email and cry hysterically when they pull away. I am a strong and happy person generally so it REALLY freaks them out to see me so volatile. My behavior is different than yours (im an actualy stalker!), but I relate to the feeling of anguish.

It is most painful for me because I logically know it makes no sense. I am not in physical danger. I have a great life and lots of people who love me. Yet, I need it from him. Need with a capital N.

I am not sure how to stop my obession on my terms. When I stop having contact all together, that works. Or the minute anyone else shows interest, I will forget about him the next day. It is not about him even though it feels like love. It is about me needing to know I am not defective and loved. But I could never end it. Do I need to delve into my past? Do I need medication? I would really like to just stop my brain from short circuiting...

Not sure if this helps. Thank you so much for sharing. I am trying to learn from your experience.


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