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 Post subject: Some kind of twist
PostPosted: Wed Jun 02, 2010 11:18 pm 
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At the Auto shop today I asked the woman where the glue was. She told me (I wanted her to come with me & get it for me), I looked at all the glues, getting angry that she wasn't helping me when clearly I needed help (mind-reading). I decided that I would take a whole lot of glues to the counter (buying the one I needed), just so that she'd be inconvenienced by having to take the rest back to the shelf. I got angry because the sales woman wasn't gay, so that I could flirt with & have her attention.

I realised all of this was ridiculous, so took only the glue I needed to the counter, *nicely* asking if it was the correct one. I smiled and said goodbye.

Then I wondered why I desire to be babied so. I'm glad I motored myself through this situation and behaved appropriately, even though it required such mental effort.


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 Post subject: Re: Some kind of twist
PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:42 pm 
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It might have been a lot of effort, but you DID it. You recognized the twistyness of your thinking about this situation. Now, the reaction you describe here... is it something you recognize as having happened before? Can you think of those circumstances? Maybe comparing different events can help you figure out what they have in common and why they trigger you.

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


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 Post subject: Re: Some kind of twist
PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 5:12 pm 
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It reminds me of wanting attention from my dad and not getting it, then getting sexual attention instead. It shows me that whatever situation I'm in my mind tells me that the only way to get what I need is to behave flirtatiously, and that when that opportunity is not available to me I feel utterly abandoned and feeling abandoned makes me feel f***ing angry!! Without my sexual currency I feel useless and powerless. And dirty that I can translate even GLUE into something sexual.

I feel sad and angry. My throat feels constricted and my chest feels tight.


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