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 Post subject: Trying to untwist.
PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2010 5:06 pm 
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Still having a lot of problems with insecurity and not feeling good enough. Have been drinking more than I should, to dull the edge on that (medications help, but not "in the moment") which is not an ideal solution by any means, but... which does seem to help me not put pressure on those I love to validate me, because I feel like this issue is central to how I view a lot of other things in my life incorrectly, and if I can just learn to sit still with it and work with it, a lot of things would change.

Where I'm having trouble right now is, I feel like I'm finally beginning to make progress--like I know some of the things I like to do when I'm alone, and I have some better sense of myself as a person separate from other people, like I have more boundaries, I guess? Maybe a slightly better sense of identity, or at least it feels like I can see the vague outline of who I started out to be before the initial abandonment wound.

But then this afternoon, I went right back to being oversensitive and misreading people and jumping to conclusions and being angry because I was disappointed, again. When will I ever be better? How much progress do I have to make before I finally stop having all these problems and symptoms? I know my thinking is twisted in some way, but I don't know how to fix it. I really thought getting back in touch with the "real me" was going to make things better, but that doesn't seem to have happened.


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 Post subject: Re: Trying to untwist.
PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2010 5:13 pm 
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Taking a shot at solving this for myself:

Maybe it's a should statement? Like, I feel that I should be "getting better" already? But, I really -do- feel that way, and I don't think that's unfair. If I've made enough progress to know that I like potted plants (which I didn't remember before, I just always dismissed that because 'I can't grow plants, they always die') then it seems like I should be enough better to stop assuming people are privately thinking ill of me, or laughing at me, or that my company isn't wanted. I should be able to stop myself from feeling angry when someone else doesn't immediately know to do what I haven't even told them yet needs doing.

This is frustrating, and confusing.


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 Post subject: Re: Trying to untwist.
PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2010 9:22 pm 
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Pfft, yeah its frustrating! I can't really speak for anyone but myself, but damn it do I want to be better already!

I think the first step to untwisting thinking is recognizing that you're thinking's a bit off, which may or may not be indicated by the fact that you're feeling negatively when you think about it. So, you've done that, check.

In addition to "should" statements, if I may, I can see a bit of all-or-nothing thinking in your post, an underlying assumption that its not really "getting better" unless you're seeing drastic improvement in every area of your life.

If it were me (and honestly, I do need to do this for myself) I'd try the double-standard method (would you be telling a good friend that s/he "should" have done all the things you want to have done, in the amount of time you've been working on it?), the thinking in shades of gray (on a scale of 0-100, how much progress have you made, really?), and the semantic method (instead of: "I should be able to stop myself from feeling angry when someone else doesn't immediately know to do what I haven't even told them yet needs doing," say to yourself, "I'd prefer it if I didn't feel angry when someone else doesn't immediately know to do what I haven't even told them yet needs doing."

It seems kind of stupid and that it won't work, but that's labeling and fortune-telling on my part! I 'should' really examine that belief. But untwisting thinking is so much work! (whine-complain)

:D

-BeWild

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This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


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 Post subject: Re: Trying to untwist.
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:49 pm 
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These were both extremely helpful points, for me--just wanted to say thank you!

It can be very frustrating, yes, but... it is getting better. It's not an overnight 180, and it takes time, but... well, I can see it now, and that's a step forward, I think.


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 Post subject: Re: Trying to untwist.
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 11:49 pm 
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jadexmara: goodness I identify with what you wrote in the first post here.

Sometimes I think I have made progress, I found a little bit more of myself, my own identity, and feel very okay.

Then suddenly, in a conversation with a friend (which started out well), all of a sudden I get super duper sensitive and overreact, causing the friend to get angry with me and give up on me.

It's so very frustrating to go back and forth like this, and sometimes I'm in so much pain that all I can do is just cry and cry.

Honestly, there are times when I feel like isolating myself from the world in order that I don't hurt anybody at all.


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 Post subject: Re: Trying to untwist.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 1:30 am 
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meremortal wrote:

Honestly, there are times when I feel like isolating myself from the world in order that I don't hurt anybody at all.


I have times when I think about that, too--I've joked about moving into a cave in the mountains like the old hermits used to do, in fact.

...I try to keep in mind, though, and sometimes it helps... well, anyone can have a moment of oversensitivity, you know? And not know how to take things. Most people understand, it's something that happens. And then I have to ask myself... if maybe it's not as bad as I think it is, or remember it being. I've had it happen before that something I remember clearly and apologize for months after the fact, the other person barely noticed at all (that was a huge relief, when I found out).

And too, while separating from the world limits the negatives we can bring to others, it limits positives, too. All we can do is keep trying, I think. And hope folks will be patient with our progress.


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 Post subject: Re: Trying to untwist.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 6:56 am 
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jadexmara wrote:

I have times when I think about that, too--I've joked about moving into a cave in the mountains like the old hermits used to do, in fact.

And hope folks will be patient with our progress.


Yeah, moving into a cave in the mountains would mean that we can't hurt anybody, we can't destroy any of our relationships. Hurray for that! *just kidding*

Well, two close friends of mine have chosen to stay away from me. One won't even pick up my phone call or reply when I text. Coz she can't stand how I would suddenly become very oversensitive.
It really, really hurts, you know. :(


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 Post subject: Re: Trying to untwist.
PostPosted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 2:18 pm 
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Totally. I've lost several close friendships because of my over-emotional nature. It sucks hardcore, but I've since moved on from those "break-ups" and made a few new friends. I've never had the hermit fantasy myself, opting for a more cyberpunk alternate-reality scenario, where I plug in to be around "other people" (programs) that will never get hurt by what I say or do.
Being a hermit, while more realistic, sounds way too boring and depressing.

Its hard to imagine people missing me for my good qualities!

Anyway, I hope things are looking up for you guys!

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


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