BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I find it hard to have confidence in my own instincts. This applies to categorizing responses using the tools (even where I can see what's happening in my own or other's posts). What if I get it wrong? It seems too hard to get from understanding the stuff on the left, to identifying it, to expressing my identification of it openly, to *gulp* really acknowledging internally where I go wrong.

I KNOW that if I worked the tools effectively that I'd be able to see exactly where I went wrong in a specific situation I recently created that has caused me a huge amount of distress. I KNOW that I can't afford to keep thinking the same way, because I can't keep letting myself destroy my beautiful life.

But to lay it out on the table like that - to admit that I almost had something very precious, something that I've always wanted - yet threw away.. well, the consequences of knowing and owning that dysfunction seem harder. Harder than staying sick, because sick is what I know, and because sick works. In its own demented way, it actually does. I've managed to do and be and get plenty of things in my life while being unwell, and part of me would feel very sad about having to let go of that.

Just my thoughts and feelings.

Hi,
I'm brand new here (as of late last night) and I just wanted to thank you for your honesty re: how it's easier to stay sick. I think a lot of people, down deep, would agree and that this is part of our illness and a big part we all need help with.
Have a wonderful day!

Hi Helena,

Well, yes, who am I without my label? At times I really like that I'm different. Like I've got this mysterious, complicated disorder that makes me a bit strange and possibly even dangerous.
........

"Do I really want to be alone in this corridor with a Borderline?"

"Maybe not.. you never know what I might do".

.......

I've realised that there's only one real twist that I've needed to undo.. the mother of all twists, the big knot that carries all the baby ones. I've spent 25 years worrying that I would be caught out for some unknown wrongdoing.. what a clever 180 for a five year old child. The obvious truth being, that I was done wrong by. Wasn't that time and energy well spent.

This post really struck a chord with me. Over the last week or so I've been reading and trying to do some "homework" either on this site, other sites or through a workbook I have and just can't. I sit down, start reading the exercises and my brain goes blank. I can't seem to think of any answers to the questions and I think it has a lot to do with not wanting to confront all the things I've throw away being this way and there is a part of me that doesn't want to get better. It's easier being sick at this point I'm not sure how to make myself sit down and do this. I just lost (well, there's a chance all is not totally lost...but I need some patience now, something I don't have) someone very special and dear to me partially because of my actions and I've been very sad about it, but even that is not a motivator to get better. My biggest fear is to die alone and lonely and that seems to be exactly what I'm doing to myself.