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I'm not sure this is the right place to post this. I've been reading about twisted thinking all day today and I'm sure that's the problem here. I'm basically in a situation I'm sure most of you have been in. You're dating someone, you become attached to them rather quickly, they do something "bad" and you break up with them. Moments later you realize what a mistake you made, how alone you are, how great they really are and all you can think about is begging them to come back and doing whatever it takes to get them back. I don't do the whole "I'm gonna kill/hurt myself" thing anymore, but it does enter my mind to contact him with some exaggerated problem so he'll want to come back and help me. I've refrained from doing that as well so far.

So I literally spend most of the day and night either having imaginary conversations with him in my head to try and predict how things will go, or trying to distract myself from my phone so I don't call or text him. Today is my first successful day. I've texted or email him pretty much every day before that. He was instructed by me to not text me back under any circumstance though because I told him it was best for me he I never heard from him again because I couldn't stop seeing him on my own (and he had no desire to stop seeing me as long as I didn't get "crazy" about wanting more out of him than casual dating). So, he ignores my texts and in my mind I go back and forth between "what a jerk, can't he see I need him and reply?" and "Wow, he must really care about me if he's finally listening to what I told him and not replying because he knows that's what I want".

I see my logic is screwy, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. He is a nice guys, I am able to see that even though he his own issues and emotional disorders, he is basically a good person who does care about me, but just has no desire to be in a serious relationship. He doesn't know I have BPD (we haven't talked about it) and doesn't know that a serious relationship is the only thing I know how to do! I've been patting myself on the back that I've essentially done what he's asked for an entire year without wanting to kill myself LOL But now i don't know what to do. I know he hates ignoring me and that he would still like to maintain a friendship at the very least. I know he is not going to change his mind about a relationship any time soon. I know he has some mental illness issues that he's unwilling to acknowledge or deal with now as well.

I'm trying to figure out if I should just keep dealing with the obsessive thoughts I'm having about contacting him until they go away and eventually forget about him, or if I should continue trying to maintain some sort of contact, a friendship, because I love him and even if we're not together I feel it would be a shame to totally throw away the friendship.

I feel like I'm going crazy trying to figure this out

Eclectically,

I've been where you are, and I absolutely understand how awful a situation this is for you.

Perhaps he's been overwhelmed, and just doesn't know how to deal with his own feelings, especially if, as you think, he also has some mental health issues. Give him some space.....he will contact you on his own if he truly wants to.

In my situation I tried to rush things by calling, leaving messages, even coming up with pseudo emergenies to get him back in my life, in any way possible. It was absolutely awful. He came back....in time. I've learned a lot more about him since, and most importantly, myself, so I'm hoping something similar doesn't happen again. I have much more control over my thinking and emotions now.

I'll be thinking about you, and wishing you the best.

Dagwood