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 Post subject: Doubting my own thinking and doubting my doubts: Help?
PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 11:41 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 4:46 pm
Posts: 5
My boyfriend has been away for a week. His home was broken into and not only did the thiefs take his things, but they also left the window open - so his cat is gone too. He went back to his parent's to recover from the shock and try to 'forget'.
Yesterday I started feeling very lonely, so lonely I was crying on the bed and on the floor and no matter how much time went by the feeling wouldnt go away. He knows I'm BPD and sometimes I start feeling abandonned. I think if I'm honest with him at the beginning of the crisis then he can help me fight off the negative thoughts feeding the sense of abandoment and prevent it from becoming handicapping or ending in me doing something very dramatic or destructive.
My crisis started in the morning so I sent him a facebook message telling him I was feeling lonely and sad. His phone doesnt work abroad because it has no credit, so facebook was the only way he could contact me. Normally he checks his facebook quite regularly but today he had gone out early in the morning with his mom and didnt come back till around 15.
Normally we tell each other when we are going out for a while so the other doesnt hang around online hoping for a chat. This time he didnt tell me at all. However, I think that given the situation and my usual reaction I did very well. I didnt act on my bad feelings but tried to keep myself distracted with good things: a hot bath, a funny movie, some tv. None of these things took the feeling away of course, but they helped me wait for help. I allowed myself to cry because I was sad, and I cried a lot - but I didnt hurt myself or throw abuse at my boyfriend. Finally at 15 he wrote me saying he was home but the home connection was not working and he could only check his facebook using his iphone where he has to pay (and probably doesnt have much credit). But he asked me what was wrong. I wrote him back telling him I had been upset all day and asking him why he didnt warn me he was going out. Then he didnt answer me until 17h30 saying only he still had no connection, was paying on his iphone, and was sorry. i wrote him more, becoming more and more desperate. finally at 19 i told him i was going to take seroquel (an antipsychotic mood stabilizer which he doesnt like me to take cuz he says it makes me feelingless) because he wasnt helping me and i couldnt handle myself much longer. he answered at 21 saying he was spending his last credit to write me and that he hadnt complained the day before when i went out with a friend before I was able to talk to him (i waited to talk to him until 16h30 but then i had to go work and after to meet a friend: i wrote him a messgae before saying i had waited him but was now going to this and would probably be back late which meant midnight. Also note that this is the first time i go out with a friend in..uh..maybe 4 or 5 months?).
By this time however the seroquel (medication) had knocked me out into an 18 hour sleep. During this time my boyfriend's connection returned and he wrote me a bit more, saying he was waiting for me to talk and that he missed me.
When we finally spoke we had a big fight because I said he didnt do everything he could to help me (like picking up the house phone to call me - even if only to ask me to call him back as I dont have the number) even though he knew I was suffering. He said he had done nothing wrong, again repeated that he hadnt made a big deal when i went out with my friend the night before (note this friend is male, but gay, so its not like he could be 'afraid' or jealous) and finally he said i was really selfish because he couldnt fight because he is so sad from what happenned to him and me i have no reason to suffer and am just victimising.
I find this very unsensitive of him. My suffering might me out of touch with reality, but I still live it.
Please, people. Since him and I found out my BPD diagnosis, everything seems to be my fault. He doesnt try to see his own mistakes unless they are 'not being patient enough with the bpd girlfriend'. I would like him to for once admit to not acting correctly or making enough effort. I would like him to apologize and realise he could have helped me and that he didnt.
I know that I was wrong in limiting my call for help to him, but he told me that he would always help me, take care of me, and that i wouldnt need medicine. It seems natural to ask him for help and also I find it hard to ask others. Saying you feel abandonned and its making you suffer even though you are not really abandonned is rather embarrassing.
So please, tell me: am I wrong in asking my boyfriend to admit he could have done more, that he didnt help me when i was suffering, that he should not undermine my suffering like he did, and to apologize?

 Post subject: Re: Doubting my own thinking and doubting my doubts: Help?
PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:45 am 
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
I know exactly how it feels to be sad and to crave an acknowledgment from the person that you care for and to not get it. It is really difficult not to act out when you feel entitled to some validation and none is forthcoming. You did what you could to cope. Are you in therapy? Are you familiar with inner child work?

It sounds like your inner child was in need of nurturing. It is hard work learning how to self parent but it is worthwhile work. It is important for you to find someone who is safe to confide in about embarrassing feelings. It is even more important to work on releasing this toxic shame that you feel about having emotional needs. Yes, you need emotional support both from others who understand what you are going through and from yourself. Try and let go of beating yourself up for having needs. I hope this helps. You are not alone.

 Post subject: Re: Doubting my own thinking and doubting my doubts: Help?
PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 9:34 am 
This might not be what you want to hear, but I want to offer you a different perspective -

First off, GREAT job at trying to self-soothe. Only I think maybe you could trying putting a little twist on that next time. Try not to look at self-soothing as an in-between interim thing for you to do until someone can help you solve your problems. Look at it as a means to calm yourself to the point where you don't feel impulsive, like you might just jump right out of your skin. To take the edge off until you feel more clear-minded to deal with the current issue at hand. You don't have to wait to feel great, just let some of that emotion pass until you feel prepared to confront things.

You put the responsibility of yourself on your boyfriend, in this specific case. That's a heavy load for us to carry(which is why we want help!), so imagine the weight that it may put on your boyfriend when he's in this soft spot right now. Remember that your boyfriend is suffering himself, right now. He's lost his belongings as well as his beloved cat. He is a human, one that is grieving, and he's most entitled to any feelings he has. If that means needing the time and space to deal with his own issues before he can help you with yours, then that is what it means.

This is why we can't depend on other people to make us better. They will, undoubtedly and unintentionally, let us down. That's just the way the cookie crumbles, no one can offer of themselves all the time on demand. It's why therapy is structured.

I find your boyfriend's statement about always helping you and taking care of you, and not needing medicine, more idealistic than anything else, and not a very healthy mindset, either. It sounds lovely in theory, but in practice it's something else and it's just not reality. No one can do that, he is not superman. I'm sure he's a great man, but he can't fend off chemical imbalances. Nor should anyone expect that of another person.

While he could have been more validating to your feelings, this is hard sometimes, and takes some learning and adjustment. Perhaps this is something you two can discuss. For example, when I am in a mood and chatting to someone about it, I say this "Please hear me out. I am interested in hearing your thoughts, but right now I really need to just verbalize my feelings. Allow me to get it out, and then we can move on to your thoughts." When I am given this free reign, I normally wind up talking MYSELF through the issue as it's not paused and interrupted with things like "You're being irrational", etc.

As far as the expectations you have of him and that he may have of himself, they do not sound conducive to a mutually healthy relationship. I know you are embarrassed by your feelings, hell, we all struggle with the shame here. But remember that feelings are feelings. They will pass, they will float away. We are fluid, we are always changing.

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