Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Thu Aug 16, 2018 8:01 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:20 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
I find myself going on verbal tirades about how I really feel when I am alone. I do not want to subject others to the intensity of my rage or say things to them that I can never take back and that they will likely never forget. I am running a major trust deficit. I am definitely a people pleaser and especially so with my husband. When I ask for something (and it is really difficult for me to do that) I expect my request to be honored. I do not feel that I ask for much. I am very sensitive to noise and temperature and my husband is aware of this. When I request a temperature change and he balks in any way I am triggered into a major rage. Especially since many times I endure discomfort in silence because we like different temperatures and I feel that we should each get a turn. I know that I am responsible for my feelings and reactions but shouldn't a person who knows what you need not make you feel like you are imposing when you make a simple request? I absolutely feel entitled to be comfortable in my own home. I am at a point now where I no longer feel like making polite requests. I am getting to the point of just saying I am doing such and such and just doing it. It may seem absurd but noise and temperature control are very important to me. We even had some couples counseling where he agreed to be more aware of that and to act accordingly. I feel like I got sold a bill of goods right now. He says nice things but when it comes down to it I do not feel secure or like my needs really matter to him. It really pisses me off. I feel like I need to take matters into my own hands and that does not make me feel very loving toward him. I feel repulsed. I do not want to be touched. I do not want to allow myself to be used in any way. I wonder why I should stay in the marriage. I feel very strongly that relationships should be reciprocal but that I always end up giving way too much. I have gotten a lot better at recognizing and voicing my needs but when they are not responded to after I have made them known I can stay enraged for days.

Does anyone else here rant or scream when they are alone? How do you cope when you have expressed your needs and the other person does not respond in the way that you would like?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:30 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2011 2:56 pm
Posts: 11
Location: california, usa
well i know i totally do that in my head! i'm more of an inward-acting, but i do rage at my husband in secret... sometimes i find myself talking to myself about what an f*ing lazy idiot he is, calling him names when i leave the room, but really it is just as harmful as letting it all out and treating him badly. i get myself all riled up and then i can't even be nice to him even when he is trying to be nice to me or make up with me... and i feel guilty for thinking those things when the feelings pass... and i feel like it's creating a rift between us... especially because even though i am really particular about the tone of his voice and the look on his face, i know the things that make me angry are insignificant compared to what our marriage means to me... overall he's a good man with good intentions... but it's a vicious cycle and it breaks down the relationship...

i totally get how you feel though... i feel the same way A LOT of the time! i always feel so disappointed and angry that this man i've given my life to can't seem to reciprocate even when i ask for a little thing! like "please get off the computer and put the laundry in the dryer - i've been working all day and my back is hurting really bad, and the laundry needs to be done - the baby has no clean clothes!" it takes him an hour to get to it, which INFURIATES ME TO NO END! but he does it... and every now and then he does it without me asking... i'm trying to be more positive about what he does for me that IS good... he can be considerate about other things, even if it isn't what i expect. he does try to make me happy so i do know that he cares... anyway, that's about all i can do at this point... but it helps... we manage to get through the day without ripping each other to shreds - most of the time... wow, i can't believe how much better i feel just saying all of that! lol!

i don't know if that helps, just wanted to let you know i can relate! especially about the sex too - i have the same exact problem! sometimes i feel so bitter and resentful towards him that i can't stand the thought of him touching me... when he does i feel repulsed and angry and i do everything i can to let him know IT"S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! it's been a real problem lately... i think it's just all this little stuff building up and the fact that i can't seem to talk to him about anything... when i do, i feel like i pour my heart out and i never get the reaction i want... i feel rejected... that really kills the intimacy...

_________________
"we are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them." ~ anaïs nin


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2011 6:58 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
Thanks for sharing. I try really hard not to rant unless I am alone but sometimes it just happens.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2011 4:06 pm 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 3007
Location: Denver
"I'm trying very hard not to lose it right now so I don't know if we can actually have a conversation at this point but I do need to let you know that when you change the temperature of the thermostat without speaking with me first, it feels very much like you don't give a shit about me or our marriage."

And then be silent. Wait for him to speak. And when he does speak, continue to be silent. Let the words he spoke digest. Think of what you'd really, really like to say to him and then continue to be silent. Focus on what you'd really like to say to him and boil it down to what bothers you the most and why it bothers you. Then say THAT - whatever it is that bothers you the most & why.

"When you get flippant like that, I feel insignificant and that our marriage is a sham in your eyes." "When you ____, I feel ____ and _____."

I've found this technique very helpful in my own relationship, early on, when I was first trying to communicate in a rational way, without being impulsive but still get my point across and open a dialogue.

Most importantly, try to stay in the moment and really take the time to Stop/HALT and choose your words carefully and rationally. Don't go blindly on impulse /instinct (which is what the major rage when you're alone seems to be all about.) Have the crucial conversations that need to be had.

You're stronger and smarter than you give yourself credit for.

_________________
Like BPD Recovery on Facebook.
Follow BPD_Recovery on Twitter.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 7:39 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
I have tried that sort of technique. He just screams. He simply cannot handle hearing it. My new approach is to get my emotional support elsewhere and to accept that he is emotionally limited right now and possibly in perpetuity if he chooses.

Deep down in my heart I know that he cares about the marriage. What I am trying to figure out now is why he cares. Is it because he loves me or is it because I am a great source of narcissistic supply or is it a little of both? We shall see. Maybe I will never really know. I may just have to decide if it is doable or not. I am in a place of great uncertainty but I also have great faith that God will see me through. I am going to start going to a support group as well as what I am already doing.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 10:03 pm 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 3007
Location: Denver
ReneePA wrote:
I have tried that sort of technique. He just screams. He simply cannot handle hearing it.


Has he SAID that he simply cannot handle hearing it?

Have you been using boundary/consequences with him?

ReneePA wrote:
Deep down in my heart I know that he cares about the marriage. What I am trying to figure out now is why he cares. Is it because he loves me or is it because I am a great source of narcissistic supply or is it a little of both? We shall see. Maybe I will never really know.


Have you asked? Have you asked if he cares about the marriage? Have you asked why he cares? Or are these assumptions as fact?

_________________
Like BPD Recovery on Facebook.
Follow BPD_Recovery on Twitter.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2011 10:58 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
He has indeed said that he can't handle hearing anymore about certain things. He has also said that he was tired of me being triggered. He has also said I would never get better. That is verbal abuse. Plain and simple. He has complained that I have told my friends about "our personal business" and made him look like a bad guy. I expressed to him that he is the only one that can make himself look bad and that my discussing the abuse was about me needing emotional support not about making him the bad guy. He just got very quiet when I said that.

He has expressed to me that he does care about our marriage but actions speak louder than words so we shall see. He has said that he loves me because I am a kind person. I have a trust deficit as a result of my childhood but a person needs to show me that they can be trusted. I think that I am being very patient and loving through all of this and I am willing to continue to do so as long as I am not being abused. The question I am sitting with now is... "Is how he loves me enough for me?"


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2011 4:57 pm 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 3007
Location: Denver
ReneePA wrote:
He has indeed said that he can't handle hearing anymore about certain things. He has also said that he was tired of me being triggered. He has also said I would never get better. That is verbal abuse. Plain and simple.

Perhaps there is more to the conversation being left out of this particular telling but that sounds like he's sharing his perspective and feelings with you. (Albeit in a heated tone of voice while you're probably in an emotional place.) That doesn't sound like verbal abuse to me. My vision of verbal abuse is personal attacks against the other person. "You're a worthless scumbag that doesn't deserve to breathe" is quite different from "I can't handle hearing anymore about certain things." At least to me, in my book.


ReneePA wrote:
He has complained that I have told my friends about "our personal business" and made him look like a bad guy. I expressed to him that he is the only one that can make himself look bad and that my discussing the abuse was about me needing emotional support not about making him the bad guy. He just got very quiet when I said that.

You're right that his actions speak for themselves. He alone has to live with the consequences of his actions. BUT I would ask you to think about the first of the Four Agreemets - were you being impeccable with you words? It's one thing if other people are around to witness his behaviour - he's quite capable of making himself look like an ass all on his own, I'm sure (as are we all.) But to dredge his name and reputation and inner details of a relationship through the grist mill to people who weren't first-hand observers sounds a little like gossip to me, even if it's in the name of seeking emotional support. There are ways to gain emotional support and even tangible guidance without trashing another person or deliberately talking about someone behind their back when they're not present to defend themselves.

_________________
Like BPD Recovery on Facebook.
Follow BPD_Recovery on Twitter.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2011 8:47 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
With all due respect screaming You will never get better at someone is verbal abuse.

I also disagree about the gossip thing. I have never tried to hide from him what I have shared with my support system. A gossip does not want to be found out. Gossip is done in a secretive way. Telling the truth about being berated and screamed at is not trashing someone. I love him but I do not love the behavior. My support system is aware of that. They are rooting for the relationship to succeed. My intention is not to make him look bad it is to be honest about what is really going on so that I do not continue to make poor choices. It is a disservice to my relationship to lie and pretend like everything is peachy when it is really not. I am not going to cover for someone when they are clearly doing something that is damaging.

BTW I realize that I have to be responsible for a lot of things but those things are limited to my own recovery.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2011 4:00 pm 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 3007
Location: Denver
http://www.cksd.wednet.edu/Diversity/pd ... ements.pdf

Quote:
When we gossip, we act like hackers who intentionally spread a virus to destroy how others think and to cause drama.

With gossip, one little piece of information can break down other communication. Gossip infects everyone it touches.

Three questions you can ask yourself when you hear or consider giving information about another person or
situation are;

1. Is it my story to tell? How do I know the information?
2. Do I have the right to speak the information?
3. What is my intention in speaking the information?


Gossip: Just the other day, my husband told me "You'll never get better." His verbal abuse never seems to stop and it's just wearing me down.

NOT Gossip: The other day, someone told me "You'll never get better." I'm still struggling with how to deal with that sort of perception because it makes me sad inside. I'm not sure how to cope with the sadness or the perceptions around me.

_________________
Like BPD Recovery on Facebook.
Follow BPD_Recovery on Twitter.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Ranting To Myself
PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2011 5:14 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
We will just have to agree to disagree on this.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group