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 Post subject: 20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking
PostPosted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 8:21 pm 
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20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking
    1. I will always be alone.
    2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.
    3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.
    4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.
    5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.
    6. I have no control of myself.
    7. I can't discipline myself.
    8. I don't really know what I want.
    9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.
    10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.
    11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.
    12. I will never get what I want.
    13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.
    14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.
    15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.
    16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.
    17. Other people are evil and abuse you.
    18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.
    19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.
    20. Other people are not willing or helpful.

Source: Behaviour Research & Therapy article


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 8:46 am 
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I think that's pretty insightful. What are the positive assumtions that would replace those negative beliefs? What do you think would be a practical way of adopting them?


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:17 pm 
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MyLife - great questions! I hadn't even thought about the positive side of them (talk about twisted thinking - seeing everything in negative terms is one of mine).

I started a new thread so other people can post their contributions. Thanks for the poke in the right direction :biggrin


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:56 pm 
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There is a set of really beautiful (to look at and hold) affirmation cards by Mona Lisa Schultz, which have about 300 of these kinds of feelings staement on the top of the oval card, and when we turn the card around, there is the opposite feeling statement.

These have been a life saver for me. They are truely wonderful. They also helped me to be mindful and observe some thoghts I did not consciously have. I learned and felt better! YAAAAAYYYYY


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 7:07 am 
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For 42 years I have lived with those assumptions. The good part is I am learning they are not all necessarily true. The bad part is that some of them actually are true.

Just my 2 bits.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 7:50 am 
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Welcome, formisoul!

I understand what you mean when you say some of them are true, like these:
    If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.
    My feelings and opinions are unfounded.
    If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.
    Other people are evil and abuse you.
    Other people are not willing or helpful.
They're true because:
    We will be hurt by those we love, that's how life is.
    Sometimes we are wrong about what we think.
    Fickle friends will leave us when we don't do what they want.
    There are awful people in this world who do horrible things.
    We can be left to go through hard times all by ourselves.
But these are true only to a certain extent. We engage in twisted thinking when we then take these unhealthy attitudes:
    I refuse to be vulnerable.
    I am always wrong.
    I don't have the right to say "no" to any one.
    I can't trust other people.
    I must do everything on my own.

I don't know which ones in particular you meant, but all of them have some level of twisted thinking to them, mostly when they're taken to the extreme, which people with bpd tend to do. But it is important to dig deep into them to see if there is some negative assumption you have that can be turned into a positive. All of the links under the "Tools" section on the left have great info on ways to do this.

All best,
Marn

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 10:49 pm 
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"20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking "

And lucky me, i have all 20; atleast when i do it, i do it all the way :shysmile


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 12:37 pm 
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allison wrote:
And lucky me, i have all 20; atleast when i do it, i do it all the way :shysmile


:D 20 out of 20 is an A+, isn't it? Good for you for giving 100%.

All joking aside, these are ways of thinking, Allison. It isn't who you are. It's just what you've learned about the world. But it isn't the whole picture, and most of the time, they aren't very helpful ways to see the world. But it is possible to change them. This thread was written a year ago and I've personally come a long way since then: only 2-3 are true of me now.

Anyway, welcome to the board and I hope your recovery efforts help bring you peace and many happy thoughts!!!

Marni

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 8:33 pm 
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I just found this and have printed it out and am trying really hard to come up with positive responses to the negative ones, geez it's hard though.

Shows how long all this shite has been intrenched in my head!

Thanks to all of you...this is going to be a really good help!

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 7:29 pm 
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Good for you, Jacqui, that you're putting the effort into challenging any negative/twisted thinking you may have! That's what it takes to get better - consistent, genuine effort.

It does pay off in the "end": four months ago, I said only 2-3 applied to me. Now, none of them do. Two years ago, right after I was diagnosed BPD at age 34, I believed pretty much all of them.

So, it is possible to get better, no matter how long you've thought this way.

Feel free to post your list in this thread, if you want to. It might help someone else who reads it along the way. It's up to you, either way is fine.

I wish you the best of luck in your healing.

Marni/oceanheart


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 10:16 pm 
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I hate that most of these apply to me as well. I just found out about BPD month ago when I was put in inpatient.

I am REALLY struggling right now. I was doing alright for a couple of weeks after inpatient, but lately, I feel like I am crashing again. I did something really wrong this past year and recently my family (dad, stepmom and husband) found out. My dad bailed me out of the situation, but he is SO disappointed in me and it is making me ill thinking about it. I love my dad so much and want his approval so much and I did something that although he "forgives" me, he is disgusted by my behaviour. I know what I did was wrong and believe me, the guilt and shame are eating me up. But, I am more upset about what my dad thinks about me now. I didn't grow up with him and recently I have even been feeling angry towards him because he didn't "help" me when I was abused. I know he didn't know and I shouldn't be angry, but I have been lately. You add that he is so disgusted with me right now and all I want to do is cut him out of my life completely so I don't hurt so bad. :(


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 10:39 pm 
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I have all of these assumptions. Every single one of them applies to me. It's kind of comforting that I am not the only one who feels this way. It makes me feel like someone actually understands me.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 11:33 am 
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Just don't get tooooo comfortable in thinking them, erin, lol. I know what you meant, I'm just teasing you a bit.

But in a serious way, I also mean it - though not about you personally, but in general about us with BPD: sometimes we stay in the nice comfy ruts because that's what we know and that's what's familiar - even if it's causing our lives to fall apart because of it.

Another idea: - not picking on you erin, but just kinda free-associating thoughts from your thoughts - we don't "have assumptions". We MAKE assumptions. It's a little difference, but an important one.: if we own that we are thinking in ways we know to be illogical, then we can also own our ability to think in logical, non-twisty, non-BPD ways, right? Assumptions aren't things that just happen to us, like a 4-foot snowfall overnight.

And, RescuedMess, it's ok to hate this, tho don't use your hate as a weapon to torture yourself. You've been through enough pain in your life. If there's anyone you need to love and count on, it should be yourself.
Hate that these distortions apply to you. Hate how you feel when you do "bad" things. Hate that you have BPD. Take your hate and use it to fuel change, to fuel recovery, to give you power to make your life better and to act in more healthy ways, and to have more rewarding relationships.

Meaning, we all are powerful and can make our own choices in how we want to live life. Is it easy? Hell no - it's probably one of the hardest things we'll ever have to do in our lives. But it's possible, it's necessary, and it's freeing.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 11:03 am 
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I love your top 20 list.
After being correctly diagnosed after so many years of incorrect diagnosis and after 1.5 years of DBT, being a 45 year old male, I am still having major problems with the following:

3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.
For me this keeps happening in my relationships they all love me but can't be with me.

5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.
I know I still do this, very little self respect.


14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.
Still having trouble with self validation

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.
People only like me because what I can do for them, not for how I am

19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.
Just like number three on the list.

Steven


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 Post subject: Printed this one out
PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 10:14 pm 
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I went ahead and printed this one out. For a few reasons. One so that my husband can see for himself that I am not the only one that feels these things. I mean obviously if it is a top twenty list of negative thinking BPDs are "prone" to falling into then they are symptomatic of what's wrong in my head. Another reason is because I am going to check off those that are particularly problematic for me personally and keep a record of how I am progressing with banishing those damaging thoughts from my everyday repetoirre of thoughts. Maybe I will tackle them one at a time at first and see what kind of progress I make. Funny how it is easier to change your mind than it is to change your thought processes isn't it? Or does anyone else get what I even mean by that? Heck might as well give up. I don't even make since to myself on that last one. Just scratch it.


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 Post subject: Re: 20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking
PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 2:07 am 
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i used to think everyone one of them. but ive kicked quite a few.

now im having a hard time with:

2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.
4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.
7. I can't discipline myself.
8. I don't really know what I want.
14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.
16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.


I accept that they aren't right but its really hard to not believe them. im working on it.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:39 pm 
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Wow!!! I have been thinking ALL 20 of these for as long as I can remember. I am glad I found this site ( someone reccomended me). I have only recently been diagnosed and this is all new to me. But, just knowing that I am not alone or a freak of nature makes me feel alittle better already.
Thank you for your list and now I can print this one out and show it to my husband and maybe he may start to get it.
Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 3:57 pm 
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[/quote]Wow!!! I have been thinking ALL 20 of these for as long as I can remember. I am glad I found this site ( someone reccomended me). I have only recently been diagnosed and this is all new to me. But, just knowing that I am not alone or a freak of nature makes me feel alittle better already.
Thank you for your list and now I can print this one out and show it to my husband and maybe he may start to get it.
Quote:



Amen ! haha thank goodness for this site and this list !!!
im gunna show my boyfriend this list too ! (when i gather up the courage)


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 Post subject: the positive side
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 7:58 pm 
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This is the best I could come up with. If anyone else has any other ideas let me know.


20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking


1. I will always be alone.

As I reach for healing God is preparing my soul mate to be the best he can be.

2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.

There are people in this world who really do care about me but they are lost and I need to find them.

3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.

I am no better or worse then anyone else. Everyone has problems.

4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.

I am ok today,recovery is one day at a time.

5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.

My real friends will accept me the way I am.

6. I have no control of myself.

I can control myself sometimes it's just harder do remember that I need to.

7. I can't discipline myself.

I've raised myself so far it's time to do it in a more positive way.

8. I don't really know what I want.

I am becoming intuned to who I really am each day I seek recovery. There will be a time when I will know myself well enough to know what I want.

9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

I need to express my emotions in healthy way then trust God to take care of the results.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

I am a sick person and I need recovery.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

Promices are made to be broken.

12. I will never get what I want.

Everything I want is waiting for me as long as I am willing to work for it.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting loved and cared for.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

I have the right to feel the way I feel and develope opinions even if they are not popular.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.



16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

People love me for who I am not what I do.

17. Other people are evil and abuse you.

There are good people and as I get healthier I will be better able to find them.

18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.

I am stronger think I am.

19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.

I am not a reject.

20. Other people are not willing or helpful.

Help is just a phone call away.


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 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 5:54 pm 
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erink wrote:
I have all of these assumptions. Every single one of them applies to me. It's kind of comforting that I am not the only one who feels this way. It makes me feel like someone actually understands me.



me too... for years i thought i was the only one that felt this way.


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 Post subject: Re: 20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking
PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:55 pm 
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Here are mine:

1. I will always be alone.
As I learn, grow, and become a person I can respect, I attract healthy friendships. Even those times I am alone, I am in good company!

2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.
I am always deeply loved by the Higher Power of the universe. I can be a source of love in the Universe and practice mindfulness no matter what people around me are doing.

3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.
This thought is not true - I am a beautiful being. I have flaws, but who doesn't? It is normal to feel self-conscious, but I have no reason to doubt that I can be loved for who I am. There are honest, loving, and healthy people in the world who will appreciate me. I remind myself of my good qualities.

4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.
Everyone needs help sometimes, that is normal. But when it comes down to it, I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me. If I need help, I have the ability to choose friends who are worthy of my trust. If I do not trust anyone right now, I still choose to trust myself. I have the ability to think.

5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.
Healthy people respect one another. As I learn to respect the autonomy and power of myself and others, I will find this respect reflected back to me. I am fine where I am at right now. I do not need to deny who I am in order to please others. Nor do I expect others to change to fit my needs.

6. I have no control of myself.
I am learning to identify my thoughts, behaviors, and patterns, and with love and acceptance, I am regaining control over my emotions and actions. If I have a bad day and I need to cry, that is okay. I am growing stronger every day.

7. I can't discipline myself.
I have the power to determine my course. I practice discipline a little at a time. There is no need to be perfect at everything right away! I am learning. The important thing is not to give up.

8. I don't really know what I want.
I have a mind and I can think! I enjoy making decisions. If a decision is too difficult for me today, I can go easy on myself. I actively look for those things in my daily life which bring me small joys: these are the clues to what truly nourishes my soul and perhaps even my purpose.

9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.
No one has "complete" control over their feelings! It is safe to feel. I find healthy outlets such as writing in a journal, or jogging, or talking with my therapist. I know which outlets are healthy and which aren't. I recognize from painful experience that trying to stuff my feelings inside only makes them fester. I recognize that is it healthier for me to accept my feelings.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.
There is no sin I could commit that makes me any less unique, valuable, and worthy of love.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.
Sometimes people disappoint us. I too have disappointed others. It's a part of being human, and I must accept that this does not make us bad or evil people. If a person consistently betrays my trust, I can make a healthy decision to end that friendship, for my own good, without bitterness.

12. I will never get what I want.
I can achieve what I want as I work for it. I can make commitments and keep them. And I remind myself that sometimes, even when things didn't turn out the way I "wanted," there is a lesson to be learned. I find sometimes I get what I need.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.
Trust brings risk, it is true. But hurt and disappointment are not the end of the world. I choose to carefully form friendships and relationships with honest, loving and emotionally available people, and I place my trust carefully. I don't put my friends on pedestals, nor do I devalue myself. We are all working with roughly the same basic material: humanity. No one is perfect, but I can be as honest and ethical as possible, and by doing so I will attract other honest and ethical people into my life.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.
I have the ability to think and make decisions. I also have the ability to recognize when I am succumbing to distorted thinking, and I have the ability to halt and heal these thoughts. I choose to learn positive affirmations and other methods of righting my thinking so that I can be in a place of power, calm, and peace. Through practicing these thought adjustments I am learning to trust my perceptions.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.
I choose when it is healthy for me to comply with a request, and I know that I am not obligated to do so. I respect and value myself, and I can relax. I am who I am no matter what other people think of me. Even if I don't comply with a request, I am still me.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.
I choose when it is healthy for me to comply with a request, and I know that I am not obligated to do so. Even if the worst happens and this relationship ends, I will still be here, still be me, and have my self-respect intact. My own stability, health, and ethics are my priorities.

17. Other people are evil and abuse you.
There are people in the world who hurt one another. This is a sad truth. I choose to allow only kind and trustworthy people into my life. As I practice positive actions and ethics, I attract better and better people.

18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.
Even if someone hurts me, I have the power to stop them. I don't have to sit there and be hurt, I am worth much more than that! I always have the power to choose my next step. I can choose to believe that I am powerful. I take care of myself and I heal. I have goals for the future, a future in which I see myself as empowered, integrated, and joyful.

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 Post subject: Re: 20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:36 am 
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After being away for a really long time i am back.
Last time I was here I carried all 20 of the common negative assumptions and a few not on the list. Wow! what time and a LOT of mental exercising can change. I now only carry that 15th one with me. Gosh!

A little bit of hope to pass on to everyone who stops in. You CAN (Un)Do the Twist! It ain't easy but it can be done.


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 Post subject: Re: 20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking
PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 12:44 pm 
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Affirmations really help fight these 20 negative assumptions (which yes, I too suffer from all 20 at the moment). Start with things like "I am a worthwhile person", "I like myself", "I am focussed on my recovery", "I am getting better everyday". Thought stopping techniques help greatly too, though they don't ALWAYS work, they are helpful if they stop even one negative perception. I just started a 12 week program for people with BPD, so I'll let ya know what numbers I drop as I drop them lol :) Hugs to everyone! And at least we are together.


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 Post subject: Re: 20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking
PostPosted: Tue Dec 30, 2008 2:09 pm 
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Untwisting the 20: #1-5

I will always be alone.
While fundamentally I am alone, I also have people in my life who care for me, even if I don't have a partner right now, or if my friends are far away. Sometimes I may feel lonely, but it will pass. I am not alone.

There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.
I can count on myself. But when I need support, I reach out to those who care, who will be there for me. I choose to have people in my life whom I can trust and rely on. I do not spend time with people who are emotionally unavailable, no matter how much I may care for them.

If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.
I am a good person. Even if someone decides not to continue a relationship with me, I don't let it affect my sense of self-worth. I take responsibility for my behavior that may have led to the ending of the relationship, but I do not take too much blame. I do not blame the other person disproportionately, but I also do not give them a free pass, especially if they've been disrespectful. I realise most people do not intend to hurt others. And if a person doesn't want to be with me, I accept that and let them go, and most importantly I don't take it personally.

I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.
I am an adult and I can take care of myself. I treat myself with due respect and I live my life in a healthy way. I am capable and strong, but I also reach out to others and allow myself to be vulnerable when I need support. I am effective and manage my own life.

I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.
While it is loving and fair to be compromising with people, I don't let others' needs trump my own. I don't put others ahead of me, unless they can't take care of themselves (like a child). I am allowed to disagree and to assert my opinion, as long as I am respectful when I do so. People who care about me may get upset about what I want or need or say, but if they are truly friends, they will not leave. Those who do, are not friends.

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 Post subject: Re: 20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking
PostPosted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 6:24 pm 
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When I joined this site, only a month ago, I was severely suffering from all 20 negative thoughts. I've been in a program since the beginning of Novemeber, undergoing many changes through much mindfulness and meditation, and have discovered I'm down to just these ones. I know it's optimal to suffer from none of these, but I also know recovery is a slow but much deserved process. I am proud to say, these are the ones I still struggle with daily (sometimes multiple times a day) but am still working to overcome.

3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.

4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.

9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.

Just wanted to put it out there that I'm doing much better with these things, and can't wait for the day I can say I suffer from only good thoughts..... Then I guess technically I wouldn't be suffering, but whatever, I can't wait to not be suffering!!! lol Congrats to all those making progress in their recovery!


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