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 Post subject: holy cr4p. I'm alone on new year's eve, and it's okay.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 8:04 pm 
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I am genuinely weirded out.

For the first major holiday in a long, long time, I am choosing to spend it alone (I'm feeling a little under the weather), and I'm actually okay with it.

wtf. a twisted-thinking-free holiday? they make those?!

Absent are the assumptions that no one wants me around anyway. The convictions that I'll spend every holiday alone because I am wretched, dumb, ugly, boring, deserve to, etc. I'm not glaring at my phone in its silence, dreaming up the thousand ways all of my friends and family don't really care at all about me. Jeez, I even walked by a Valentine's Day display in a store and didn't give it the middle finger(s). (It's early in the week, I'm sure I'll go back and give the display a proper round of disrespect)

someone mentioned not wanting me to spend new year's eve alone, and while I appreciated the invite, I didn't feel the usual compulsion to accept and stave off the loneliness. Cripes, I even said, "I'm not alone"

I can't remember the last time I thought that, nevermind said it where anyone could hear me. And believe it.

I'm not posting this to brag, I'm mostly throwing it out as testimony that if you just keep trying to identify when you're twisting the heck out of reality to make it suitably miserable for yourself-- eventually it works. There is a way out from under this. When I first began to work on my stuff, I thought the techniques outlined on this site were hokey. They are not. The work sucks, and it takes much time and discipline and guts to go through, but it's worth the effort.

I'm just... wow. I'm okay. Or perhaps abducted by aliens?

this non-twisted thinking is pretty comfy.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 8:37 pm 
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Good for you, Boxing! :thumbsup The board has been kind of empty lately, so I don't know if you will get too many responses, especially on New Year's Eve. But I'm here, nothing to do but be on line looking for threads to post in! New Year's is not a big deal to me; in fact, I'll probably go to bed before 2008, but I congratulate you for putting into the proper perspective and feeling comfortable being alone. :)

I hope you feel better, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 9:56 pm 
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Wow Boxing ! ---

Nice... very, very nice !!
Quote:
this non-twisted thinking is pretty comfy.


What a wonderful place to be and what a wonderful way to greet in the New Year.. !!

Congrats and Happy New Year !


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 2:12 am 
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boxing wrote:
wtf. a twisted-thinking-free holiday? they make those?!

:biggrin

Actually, boxing, YOU were the one that made this holiday twisted-thinking-free. Way to go, that's hard work and well done by you!

I'm also alone tonight - well, alone in not having a relationship - and I did ok, too. I totally hear you on your feeling, "The convictions that I'll spend every holiday alone because I am wretched, dumb, ugly, boring, deserve to, etc."

I did get a little sad when I saw so many people with their loved ones and I have only my parents. But then I untwisted that thought and said to myself, "How many more years do I even have with them? 'Only' my parents? I'm damned grateful I have the opportunity to see them", so I went over to their house, played some silly board game, joked around, ate my mom's yummy rum-balls (mmmm) and watched the ball drop. It was very nice.

Quote:
Cripes, I even said, "I'm not alone". I can't remember the last time I thought that, nevermind said it where anyone could hear me. And believe it.

What a beautiful start to what sounds like is gonna be one hell of a great year for you.

Comfy. I like that. Yeah, comfy like the most well-worn pair of just-right jeans, yeah...

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:21 am 
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thanks for the replies, all. :)

same here, ocean-- had a moment or two of single remorse when the TV cameras showed all of these smooching couples in NYC, but thought to myself that maybe this could be the last new year's I spend alone. And I thought that with both hope and regret in that it will be nice to someday spend it as one of those smooching dorks, but it's still nice to have the lone say-so on how I spend my solo new year's.

the phone rang shortly thereafter anyhow, same friend not wanting me to be alone on new year's-- so I wasn't alone, I was right I guess.

I'm working towards prolonging this calmness-- getting back into yoga. If I could just find more dvds of it without the corny new age music! And as for the single part, I'm taking a more proactive approach to alleviating that (i.e.-- not continuing the idea of me holing up, an island to myself, wondering why mr. right hasn't randomly bumped into me). My dating life has been like trying to fish without casting out any bait. Then wondering why they aren't biting, lol.

which isn't to say I'm not more than fine by myself, with my freedom.

it was just nice to spend a new year's eve NOT consumed with thoughts of what I hadn't accomplished. What I didn't do. Pondering a host of inadequacies and coming up with even more failures to add to my list (you know, that list of wrongs and discredits that only we can populate for ourselves, as the rest of the world doesn't see the bad stuff we cultivate like a garden)

unfamiliar feelings, these, but nice.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:16 am 
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What a fantastic way to start a new year - congrats! :thumbsup


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