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 Post subject: Untwisting "I'm unlovable"
PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:59 pm 
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The problem: Seems I'm repeatedly rejected by men and although I know I am lovable to friends and family, I'm not at all convinced I am lovable to a man.

1. All-or-nothing thinking

I get rejected so I'll never find someone.

2. Overgeneralization

8 men in a row reject me so everyone does and everyone will.

3. Mental Filter

Detail: 8 men in a row. All I've had for 14 years. Silly statistic to put together. What about the love I received when I was with them? It did fade once they really got to know me.

Detail: Once they get to know me they reject me.

I think this could apply to a lot of my thinking on this.

4. Discounting the positive

A made it very clear to me that he thinks I'm a wonderful person and can easily see that I will find someone to love. I discount the facts he spoke about where he is in life right now, compared to me. I discount that he wants my friendship.

BUT...

He doesn't want me and it's hard to find positive in that.

5. Jumping to conclusions

He will now walk out onto the street and run directly into a woman who he'll marry within 6 months. Just like my ex.

6. Magnification

Yeah, doin this.

7. Emotional Reasoning

Yeah. What I'm feeling is mostly an abandonment reaction, not a reflection on the reality of the situation. Feeling unlovable doesn't mean that I am.

8. "Should" statements

Yeah, I made mistakes. And all I can say is I should have known better.

9. Labeling

I guess my label here is 'unlovable'. Perhaps 'fucked up', 'chronically dysfunctional' or even 'borderline'.

10. Personalization and Blame

This is a reflection on how hopeless I am.

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 Post subject: I'm a bit confused perhaps
PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:12 pm 
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Sarah,

I'm new here so i might be missing the boat in this particular board.

In reading your post I first saw it as an objective viewpoint/reflection you have on how you have been/felt in the past. When I came to the latter half, esp. the 9 & 10 lead to to wonder... Is this how you feel now, today?

Your answer to #7 affirms to you that you are not hopeless and unloveable.

Perhaps I am misreading this or need some guidance. I hope you are doing well though. I really do.

bumpy

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:28 pm 
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It's taking me some time to get onto the untwisting part. Thanks for pointing out inconsistencies Bumpy. :)

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:29 pm 
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What stands out to me is the difference between "I'm unlovable" and "I know I am lovable to friends and family, I'm not at all convinced I am lovable to a man.". First, recognizing and affirming that you know you are lovable to family and friends, rather than a blanket statement of unlovability. And also, the difference between "I'm unlovable (to a man) versus "I'm not convinced I am lovable to a man". Seems to me like a much healthier and more helpful way to express what you are feeling.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 8:55 am 
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Do you love yourself?

Do you respect yourself?

Do you appreciate yourself?

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