Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Sat Aug 15, 2020 4:11 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Yep at it again!
PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:07 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 144
Location: anywhere but here! (uk)
Guess my thoughts are incredibly twisted today as is usually the case when I feel cruddy and hate myself.

Caught up in trying to attribute blame on myself for every crap thing that has ever happened to anyone in my life. Why cos then I can deal with it, cos by taking the responsibility for it all I can try to change it around. Not sure that it would be appropriate thing to beat myself up with tho. People pleasing springs to mind.

I do have reason to feel cruddy and alone, there are very physical reasons for that to be the case right now, I can't abide by the rules, so don't and then have to deal with the consequences. Not really rules I guess but others expectations of self. Emotional blackmail!

If I could just do as others expect and not fight against them then they wouldn't go away. They wouldn't consider me dead and I wouldn't have to feel dead. But the fact is they do consider me dead and I am not I am here living breathing and hurting and am in so much emotional torment right now it is unreal.

The rules are all or nothing, there is no grey. So action = opposite reaction right now. No room for maneuver outcome the same. Or I go and do what is expected and suffer in a web of lies. Where I am only the "good girl" if I behave.

I am sure there are so many tools I can use right now, but I can't seem to open the box. I can see my thinking is twisted, not sure I can untwist it right now. I want to fight, I do, just am so tired!

I have tried the shrug move on thing, but it just isn't happening right now.

I will be back later prepared to work I am sure I am putting this here for now though!

_________________
Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:16 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 491
It sounds like you're feeling a lot of anger, Bogit. Struggling with boundaries as BPDers do, especially when the feel so dehumanizing. Are there some specific behavior choices you're facing that you want to talk about?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:37 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 144
Location: anywhere but here! (uk)
Behavior choices IBF? Not sure it is the case of choosing to behave any other than I have been working for for the last few years, I believe as a rule I have been behaving true to me for some time. That there are only few behaviour issues I have that are kinda in the nip it catch it stop it variety.

Except of course this desire to batter myself with the crappy you are bad messages today.

The boundaries are actually almost healthy, except the pain and suffering from them is not in line with acceptance that this is how things are. Taking on others expectations rather than accepting myself as the very beautiful young lady I know I am starting to become. I want others to accept me that way too, forgetting that they are not often willing when faced with my past persona.

Taking on personalization and blame is a way of trying to distort my own view of myself to meet with others views, rather than accepting that their view is their perspective only. Doesn't meet my expectations, which is causing some emotional torment.

My need to be heard has become more paramount that living in today, where as I need to reach acceptance that I can hear me and have a right to pain for the unheard child, as an adult I do have the ability to speak for myself and to stand alone. As lonely as that can feel at times.

I am angry IBF, I am very angry, something I have a right to feel right now. I am angry for the betrayed child, I have anger for the lack of unconditional love I have been offered by those whom had that responsibility. I am angry that people have to constantly remind me how shitty I am, and that just as I get straightened out in it comes again, from the very people I love unconditionally. Perhaps I need to straighten out my own perspectives some here. Not sure yet!

_________________
Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:02 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 491
Wow. Thought so. Without knowing who the others are and what the issues are, it's kinda hard to respond about their part of it.

Quote:
I am angry IBF, I am very angry, something I have a right to feel right now.


No doubt you have every right and more. At some point you'll have to decide whether exercising that right will get you what you want and deserve. But for now, maybe it's just getting you ready to take some needed strong action.

Quote:
I am angry for the betrayed child, I have anger for the lack of unconditional love I have been offered by those whom had that responsibility.


Yep, that's what got us here, ain't it? Not only deprived, but damaged as a result of the deprivation. Was this a matter of them knowing how to offer unconditional love, knowing how important it iwas, and then for some reason choosing not to? Now that I've typed it, I'm not sure those three can coexist very often. Or might it been a matter of not knowing how? I certainly never saw it in my childhood, and aside from a few sappy TV shows had no idea what it might look like. Not surprising that when it was my turn I was not very good at it. Of course my parents were even more clueless about it than I was. Those were the days when children were seen and not heard. Discipline was fast and forceful. I don't think any parent in my steel millworker neighborhood, cept maybe Mrs Shannon who may have been the only mom to finish high school. She might have even set foot in college. But the rest.. oh, my.,
Quote:
I am angry that people have to constantly remind me how shitty I am, and that just as I get straightened out in it comes again, from the very people I love unconditionally.


This place feels like the land of opportunity among all the other crap Bogit. Because you do know what's true...
Quote:
Taking on others expectations rather than accepting myself as the very beautiful young lady I know I am starting to become.


You know that you are .. have become the very beautiful young lady... and we here all know that and celebrate your growth wildly and with true admiration. But they may not see it because they are likely blinded by the past. Bogit, this speaks to me more of their limitations than of yours. It seems you've outgrown them at least in terms of your thinking. Certainly in terms of your interpersonal skills and emotion regulation skills. Actually, from where I sit looking at the picture, with those imaginary characters, I'm inclined to immediately feel pity for them.

So as you separate your stuff from theirs, can you begin thinking about the apparent need to moderate behavior as a sort of sad statement about their limits. Because they may never see the beauty we see. In you or in others. Isn't that terribly sad for them?

Quote:
Perhaps I need to straighten out my own perspectives some here. Not sure yet!

No doubt you will, Bogit. And as you're rightfully feeling anger now, don't forget the beautiful lady who runs a wild house full of sleepover maniacs having one of the best times of each of their lives. The beautiful mom who set out to give them that joy and that memory and went and did it with no help from anyone.

I hope you will trust yourself here, Bogit.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 7:26 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 144
Location: anywhere but here! (uk)
Quote:
Without knowing who the others are and what the issues are, it's kinda hard to respond about their part of it.


Well all I can say is involves a very sizable chunk of my immediate family immediate meaning childhood family. The issue is one of religion and my not belonging to. That they are unable to accept many of my choices on this basis. I go back I get them back. I wont go into that any deeper just has to be taken as is.

So the choice I make go back life they ask, and keep what I want, stay away and they stay away from me. It requires a high level of surety in my decision. That I am making the right choices re my right to be me and believe as I do.

It hurts that I can not meet their requirements and I can twist my head up at times, to make me believe I am wrong for following my own path. Last night things came to a head again, and opened up the old wounds as although I kinda knew I was not something they wanted in their lives. The words dead in them hit like a ton of bricks.

Quote:
At some point you'll have to decide whether exercising that right will get you what you want and deserve.


I consider anger to be the appropriate response during this point of the grief process I guess, hopefully I am heading for acceptance having spent many years in and out of denial, hoping for every olive branch I offer to be taken, or a change of heart. It has been going on for 15 years and has been a great source of discomfort this whole time. Having come to accept the past many times, I find it is repeatedly brought back by them. My parents were very aware of something they should have protected me from.

I do see my growth even if not at first light this morning. I need me to be good enough for me and trust that its good enough if others don't see it. Even in this situation here. I responded I believe appropriately in the moment of confrontation. I didn't act out with the feelings that followed, however I can see I may have internalized and judged them somewhat.

Quote:
Actually, from where I sit looking at the picture, with those imaginary characters, I'm inclined to immediately feel pity for them.


IBF I have at times felt pity for them, I feel they are somewhat stuck, however when the pity/sadness becomes too empathizing I find myself dragged back in somewhat. I am trying to understand separation of stuff, but do struggle some with the concept as regards family of origin. Lots of history to separate.

Still plodding with the messages somewhat but a lot clearer headed than when I came to post first when the tapes were playing on high speed!

Thanks for your thoughts IBF!

_________________
Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 8:25 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 144
Location: anywhere but here! (uk)
I was thinking I would have more to say on this today IBF!

All I can say is that all that yesterday was worth it, as naff as it felt at the time. Today my eyes are open and my future is ahead and I am ready to embrace what it holds for me, although it may be an unknown and keep moving forward, safe in the knowledge that I am doing my best to make it as healthy and happy as I possibly can today.

_________________
Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.-Washington Irving


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 9:52 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:00 pm
Posts: 491
I think I share some of this experience, Bogit. For me it has been extremely painful the past few years. My "adopted" by marriage... second family has completely cut me out of their lives. Totally. Not a word. Largely, for most of them, it's a matter of religious intolerance. But they knew what they were getting when they lovingly embraced me in the beginning.

Oddly, my friend, THEIR pastor, has concluded that I'm far more in tune with the tenets of their religion than they are. They talk the talk, I walk the walk. As best I can, at least.

What I experienced with this pain was that it was way too sharp to try to deal with it rationally while I was experiencing it. Had to sit with it, focus on this moment and life around me until my head was clear. Then, at other times when I wasn't thinking about it at all... but something related.. some rational thoughts about it would come along and I could work with those until the emotions came back, which they always did. But at least I was able to find some work space for a time.

I'm so sorry you feel this pain, Bogit. I don't know anything that leaves me feeling more helpless and hopeless. But we can get through. We can be beautiful people with healthy lives in spite of the errors of their ways.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group