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 Post subject: Struggling tonight with various twisted thoughts
PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 7:31 pm 
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Gonna run through them real quick. So far haven't actually flipped on anyone, but closer by far to flipping than I have been all week. Not liking the feeling.

Firstly, I am having a physical reaction to anxiety, tight constricted chest, feelings of doom. I didn't take any meds (some medicines do cause anxiety attacks for me), I did drink caffiene today, but its odd because I was fine this morning after a cup of coffee. Then fine this afternoon after an energy drink. Then I had a cherry coke, which I chose because it doesn't have a *lot* of caffiene and I thought I'd be okay, but maybe I just crossed some sort of threshold.

To add to that, there is the huge unresolved stress in my life right now that Wednesday morning I am going to ask my Dad for the most important favor I have ever asked of anyone, and also the costliest- money for my schooling. I am not letting the stress from that overwhelm me but it is there.

Then tonight, I don't know. I was okay, I was fine, then suddenly this panic attack came on. Everything was magnified in how much it bothered me.

I managed to avoid actually breaking down, but the sense of foreboding is still there. I want to talk to Josh, my partner, but he's not around to talk to, when normally he would be this time of night, which is the focus of my distress now though it was hardly the first thing to bother me. I keep telling myself, it's just one evening, everything's fine, I can't talk to him right now, but I will be soon. I let myself become dependant on him being there all the time, and when I get it in my head I need him, I can't focus on or distract myself with anything else.

I am going to just try and go to sleep soon, and hope the anxiety passes by morning. It should, but that sense of foreboding won't go away. That here it is, I had a week where I was healthy and happy, now that's over with and I'm sinking back to where I was.

But I know thats ridiculous. I've learned so much since a week ago, I've made a lot of progress. Just because tonight isn't going to be the best night , just because I'm not going to talk to Josh, or enjoy myself, it means nothing. It's just one night.

It's so bizarre how I can recognize how insanely disproportionate my feelings are to reality and still have them. My brother went to bed cause he has to work early, and Josh is gone, somewhere, amusing himself I'm sure, and yet I can't stop feeling abandoned. I don't know what exactly triggered it, but the conviction I am abandoned, alone, something's wrong, something's gotta be wrong.

But I can point out like 5 twisted thoughts just in that statement alone, so I know none of this is real.

And that it will pass.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 7:43 pm 
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It's huge that you can see the twistiness in your thoughts. Some never get that far. With time, you'll not only recognize the twisties, but you'll also be able to let them go w/o as much distress as you're dealing with now. I think you're doing great!

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:47 pm 
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I do feel I'm doing better at controlling the intensity of my reactions to things. I just hope it keeps up!

I'm fine now, I went to bed finally last night, feeling rather anxious, woke up still a bit shaky, but just didn't let myself dwell on it and am okay now. :)


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 6:34 am 
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ShadowChaser wrote:
I do feel I'm doing better at controlling the intensity of my reactions to things. I just hope it keeps up!

I think that the more we do stuff that is 'different', the more it feels not so different and we kind of condition ourselves in that direction?

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:51 am 
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Agreed. It takes work to break old patterns, but once they're broken, it becomes gradually easier to maintain new patterns.


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