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 Post subject: need to untwist.
PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:51 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 25, 2008 8:40 pm
Posts: 2
Location: colorado
so... my ex is now my best friend, and im not over him. which... admittedly, i SHOULD be- but im not. well, he has this new girl now- they arent official, but theyre dating and making out and etc.
so... he told me this today and i BROKE DOWN. i feel so unwanted and unloved and i feel like im losing him as a friend. i feel like he likes her so much more than me, and i feel like im a burden to me because hes always there for me and has to "deal" with me...
so i looked at the ten forms of twisted thinking.
1. all or nothing: black and white.
im defenitely doing this: i feel like we're either together or we cant be friends at all. which is stupid... because we can still be best friends even if he has a girlfriend...
2. Overgeneralization
yea... i defenitly said to myself a few times that nothing EVER goes the way i want it to and im NEVER going to be happy
3. Mental Filter
There are other guys i like, i have friends, there are plenty of positive things i could be thinking about but i cant stop dwelling on seth.
5. Jumping to conclusions
I assume that hes going to start hating me and not want to hang out with me anymore if he has a girlfriend to hang out with.
and the WORST one:
10. Personalization
I was mad at first, and after that i just started feeling guilty. i feel like its my fault and im not sure why, but i feel like i need to apologize to seth for being mad about this.

i cant stop picturing them together. i just keep thinking that hes going to want to spend all his time with her... i want to be the special one to him, not HER. i want to be the one he talks to, i want to be the one whos there for him if he needs someone, i dont want her to be. i dont want him to ever feel the way he did about me towards her. i want to think that what we had was special and he wont have that with anyone else. i dont want her to make him happy, I want to be able to make him happy. I want to be the good part of his life, not the bad part that he has to deal with that stresses him out. I DONT WANT HIM TO BE WITH HER.

i dont know what to do. any advice?


 Post subject: Re: need to untwist.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 12:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1059
Hi kristee,

I think you've done a great job with identifying your twisted thinking. Good going! It's hard at first, but if you keep practicing that it does get easier, and then hopefully you'll be able to recognize when you're doing it as it happens and can divert yourself into healthier thinking patterns.

Your situation with your ex isn't unusual -- a lot of us have gone through similar kinds of things. It's really hard to see someone we've been closely involved with move one with their life without us. In my case, I was the one who initiated my divorce (which I now regret), and it's been terribly difficult to reconcile with my ex's remarriage. We still live in the same town, and have contact, mostly because of our kids. Every time I see him I think how wrong all this is -- if only I had done this instead of that, or if only he had done x instead of y. Unfortunately, the "if only" game gets you nowhere, except maybe more depressed. It's twisted thinking at its worst.

It's very hard to be best friends with someone after a break-up. Not many people can really pull it off. You can certainly try, but keep your hopes realistic. The thing is, your ex has every right to go on with his life and have a new girlfriend. And even if he has said to you that he will remain your friend, there may be obstacles in the way -- like his new girlfriend, who may, if she's at all a jealous type, not be thrilled that her guy is still close to you. In the long run, you may have to settle for being just friendly with him rather than "best friends," or even come to grips with not seeing him at all if it's just too difficult to work out healthy dynamics between you, him, and the new girlfriend. You're going to have to keep a really tight rein on your emotions where he is concerned, especially when you're with him, because it isn't fair for you to attempt to manipulate him or sabotage his new relationship in any way.

Just because you're unwanted and unloved (at least romantically) by *him* at *this* point in your life doesn't mean that your *unwantable* or *unloveable* at all. So keep working on all the tools for healthy happy living, and hopefully soon you'll have a new great relationship.

I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner

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