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 Post subject: listening to that voice
PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 4:26 pm 
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I was agonizing over an encounter with a friend a few weeks ago and I have finally found some resolution as to what the right mindset is for me.

I always second guess myself. It takes me a long time to be honest about how something makes me feel. I rarely get upset at my friends or family. Usually I'll do whatever I can to avoid a conflict.

Well I had recently felt secure enough with a friend to be honest about why I was avoiding her. I wasn't avoiding her straight out but I was not initiating as much as I used to.

Anyway, so I told this friend, in a nonconfrontational way how I felt. She was totally fine with it. Not angry or defensive at all. The conversation ended very well and I felt resolved.

So like I do all the time, I spent days thinking that I had no right to tell her how I felt. This is ludicrous. It's like I'm not letting myself be human and have feelings.

I'm realizing now that one, it took a lot of courage for me to talk to her, and two, if the friendship is worth it, it will last. If you can't be honest with people about how you feel, then it is a superficial friendship. I was not crossing any boundaries when I talked to her and I was taking responsibility for my feelings.

I think this has more to do with me not accepting myself. I think recovery is about listening to my wise mind and acting on it. Coming from a place of peace and being direct with people about what I want and need. And being okay with them saying no. And if someone does say no, it is in no way a reflection of my self worth. It also doesn't mean that I shouldn't have asked in the first place. Also, I have a right to tell someone if something hurt my feelings or if I feel something isn't right. Usually I'll let someone continuously take advantage of me and then I'll be resentful, which hurts no one but me.

I was talking to another friend about it who said she was proud of me for having the courage to be honest because she knew how hard it was for me to speak up.

I don't have to hide. I can be human. I think that when I fluctuate between extremes...that is when the borderline behavior comes out. I think that the more I accept myself, the more I grow. And I'm finding that journaling has been immensely helpful. Journaling used to make me upset because I would write about a problem and then get more worked up. Now I try to write out the problem and use the Four Steps, or some other inspirational thoughts to help tackle my beliefs. Because it's the beliefs that's causing me all of the trouble. I love the accepting reality and agreement about not taking things personally. When I continuously write about these I am more in peace, especially when people don't call me back. It still happens but I'm realizing that even if so and so, who means so much to me, doesn't call me back, it doesn't mean it's my fault, and there are several other people who care about me.

It's so much easier to love people when you feel secure about yourself. It's a very slow process for me but the more I do things that make me feel good about myself, the more self esteem I have and the more able I am able to give to others.


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 Post subject: Re: listening to that voice
PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 8:15 pm 
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This is such a wonderful post lbcgal. You really did good work! You were honest, with yourself and your friend. That takes a lot of courage and I applaud you. I need to follow your direction - try to be as honest as I can. Congratulations!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: listening to that voice
PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 7:12 am 
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This IS great work Ibcgal!! :)

It sounds like you are finding out who you are in many ways (where your own boundaries lay maybe?) and learning to trust yourself. That's a really big part of all this, IMO.

As your self-esteem grows, all these recovery tools seem to come into play (at least for me!) and things just get better and better overall. Keep up the good work--I'm really impressed with some of your posts lately fwiw, this one included. I'm happy for you that things are falling into place. I know it's difficult at times, but it gets easier as your own confidence grows.

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 Post subject: Re: listening to that voice
PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 7:15 am 
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I know how hard it is to trust yourself. I second-guess myself often too. I had an incident happen yesterday where I didn't know if I did the "right thing" or not. So I checked it out with a few people - that's something my T suggested I do. I wasn't looking for approval, rather to see if my assessment of the situation was on-target. I hope that one day I will trust myself more and not have to check things out with other people.

I'm glad this is getting easier for you!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: listening to that voice
PostPosted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 4:49 am 
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I'm just reading this now..I'm so silly. Thanks BG and Harmonium. Both of your posts have helped me sooo much, you have no idea! :-)


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