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Is it normal to feel sudden guilt and shame when you have reached a new acceptance about things?
I think any feeling you could possibly have that is in direct response to you accepting the reality of a situation is 'normal'. It's what you do next that will determine what becomes of you and these feelings. In my mind, there are no 'abnormal' emotions......emotions aren't always or even usually logical, but looking at a situation realistically and logically can help you determine how you REALLY, honestly feel about it. Emotions aren't good or bad or anything really, they just ARE. It's just an emotion, the action that follows is what matters and with that-- you always have choice. Bravo! for recognizing your feelings, for accepting your situation and for wanting to deal with it rather than run. Seriously, these are big steps.
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What do I do with these feelings? Where do they go?
Perceptions about our surroundings (subtle or otherwise) beget thoughts about the situation beget emotions about the situation beget action. Knowing this cycle helps.
Emotions don't go anywhere, IMO, they just ARE. What you choose to do with the feeling and about the feeling is just that-- a choice. Much of the time, I choose to meditate, mindfully become aware of and just FEEL the feeling through and through. I question if my values and actions-- my decisions-- leading up to the feeling are in true line with my Authentic Self. If not, I choose a different decision (action) that is more in line with my values. If it is in line with my values......well, then it's usually a good feeling I don't mind having.
So, it seems like you are at a crossroads. Please, if you have any more suicidal thoughts, take action to keep yourself safe first and foremost. But remember, feelings are temporary things.....I like to think of them as guides along my journey. The choice of what I DO about it comes next, and is yours alone to make.
What action that you could take is in line with your Authentic Self?
What action that you could take is not?
Which do you prefer? What will cause you to be healthier and happier for the long run?
I will also say that we all do things (normals too) that cause us to feel shame and guilt. But there is usually an action behind those types of feelings, usually one you can choose to change or not. Self-forgiveness for things gone past is absolutely essential for my healthy, happy living. I can't always change the past, but I choose the NOW. With a lot of this, I've had to forgive the mistakes I made in the past (sometimes in the present with recovery,lol) and choose the path I wanted to take from there. Remember, you always have choice.