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OHGOD IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!
Trying to sit with this loneliness and heartache I feel. Literally have a lump in my throat, tears at the corners of my eyes, pain in my chest thinking about the loss of my first real romantic relationship. The hopelessness of knowing that I cannot make things better right now - I must just wait it out. The regret at what I did wrong to end up here. The frustration at not getting another chance to make up and give us another go. I don't know what to do but obsessing over him, looking at pictures, re-reading posts on this board, re-reading e-mails to/from him...none of that is going to help me through this because that emptiness is still there, still taking control of my thoughts and actions. I can't even get any work done. I am overeating and most of it is unhealthy food. I stopped exercising over a month ago. This cannot go on..........

HOW do you just "sit with your feelings" and be mindful of them and let them pass when you literally want to reach into your chest and tear your heart OUT?!?

I don't ever ever want to fall in love again.......

5 Steps? I don't know... let's see...
1. HALT: LONELY
2. Problem: I miss my ex and it doesn't look like I am getting another chance at being with him. I don't want us to be broken up but he does. He doesn't want to see me.
3. Courses of action: (a) distract myself with work; (b) try to push all thoughts of him out of my head and don't look at pictures/e-mails/etc.; (c) talk to someone about my feelings.
4. Which one is best for now: (B) I can't torture myself like this anymore. For right now, he does not exist!!!!!
5. Do It. UGH okay......

Hi NAM, good to 'see' you, though I'm sorry for the circumstances. I have to go to work atm, but I would like to help you with this later tonight if it's still an issue for you. I see that it's a couple of days old, and I've missed a bunch being away for a week or so, so just let me know if you still would like to discuss this topic. I'll 'talk' with you later!

Thanks, H - that would be great

I question the doability of the first half of B... trying to push thought of him out of your head. My experience is that trying not to think of someone doesn't work. It's like trying to push thoughts out of my head just draws attention to them, and is counter productive. What works for me, is well, ignoring them and thinking about something else. Not pushing them out of my head, but setting them aside on a shelf in my brain and spending my energy on something else. Perhaps a subtle difference, but an important difference. Don't look at pictures/emails, yes, good strategy, I think.

Thanks, Ellen - you were right - it didn't work.
Tonight is even worse because every Fri. he has friends over for drinks and I can just picture them all sitting there, without me, going on as usual. I tried to make other plans for tonight so I would be distracted but my friend had to cancel so I am home alone with my thoughts and emotions.

Hi NAM. Okay, it sounds like quite a bit is going on for you in your head. I'm trying to understand exactly why that is, so I may have to break your first post down into sections and go from there okay? I'm sure it's gonna be long, but I hope you don't mind.


I really sympathize with you here, NAM. It's okay to have those physical sensations; quite natural if you ask me. FEEL IT. Remember the goal is not to never feel sad or heartache.....it's to deal with the sadness and heartache we all experience in a more helpful manner so that you don't get stuck in the quagmire such emotions can become. Your first relationship IS on of the more difficult things to 'get over'........and it's gonna take time. If you are like me, no matter what there will always be a special place in your heart for him and I think that's not only okay, it can be good. For me with break-ups, I try to learn from them. As in, what went wrong and why (from my own angle, not what the other did or did not do; I only control me). For me, doing this brings some sort of meaning out of the heartbreak-- at least I know it was not all for naught if I can learn something about myself or avoid the same mistake in a future relationship, ya know? Remember, it's okay to grieve for this-- quite a healthy, normal thing to do if you ask me. Allow those tears to shed, acknowledge to yourself the loss you have endured (are enduring), accept that the loneliness may be a part of healing from this, etc.


We're from a generation of immediate gratification......which sucks sometimes as the world does not actually act that way. Emotions sure don't, nor does grieving. This will take time. It will get easier with time, believe it or not. I've even found that non-instant way to be more helpful-- I can analyze deeper, uncover more layers and get them all out if I have the time. But you don't have to just sit and 'wait it out'....I find the more active, even proactive, I am in recovering from something like this the less helpless I feel. You can do many things like allowing yourself to feel, keep up with your self-care or even come up with new self-care routines, getting out of the house even if it's by yourself or maybe especially finding a way to laugh at least once a day-- all will help. You are not a victim to your emotions, though I'm sure at times like this it seems so.
It's okay to regret your own part in the break-up.....but why beat yourself up for something you can do nothing about now? You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. You can turn that stuff you regret into a positive by fixing that in yourself which instigated the mistakes (not that any of us will ever be mistake-free, but I hope you understand my point here). It is just not productive for you to lament over what could have been or what might have happened-- reality sucks sometimes, but the quickest way for you to gain control over this might just be accepting the reality of the situation (no matter how much it hurts in the NOW).
It is frustrating that you don't get a chance to have another go.......but from all you've told me about this relationship.....well, it doesn't seem as if the issues you two had are really surmountable anyway, right? You have given that relationship all you had and yet it still didn't work. Some things couples just can't recover from, no matter how much love and affection is involved. Maybe instead of looking at it as a lost chance, could you try to see it as a possible fantastic opportunity that has opened you up to so many options and different ways you can now take your life? It's kind of cool if you can see it that way-- your life is your own and now, without the baggage, you can shape your future in ways YOU want, into goals you and you alone have. It's really a great-sounding opportunity if you ask me. You can take what you have learned (are still learning) from the mistakes of this relationship and apply them to your life in general and maybe the next relationship, making you that much more likely to be successful in your next romantic encounter. Use what you have learned to your advantage-- make lists of it if it helps you (I love lists!). Really, it's kind of great if you can see it in such a light-- you get to more fully discover your Genuine/Authentic Self (the exceptional bonus of recovery we often overlook). What a great chance-- you now have the freedom to learn about yourself without the drama of an unhealthy relationship (I'm assuming it was unhealthy from what you have said, please, no offense intended) standing in your way. You are free! I'm just trying to say this can be looked at as a good thing-- it doesn't have to be the end of your happiness. You get to choose what you want it to be and how you react-- it always comes back to choice, doesn't it? You get to control you, your actions, your thoughts, your own emotions. What a great thing indeed!


Is the obsessing helpful or harmful to your getting past all this? My guess is it's just keeping you stuck int he 'might have been's' and the past in general.
You don't have any idea what to do other than things that make it worse for you? Really? You are not eating healthily and your general self-care has dissipated and yet you can't think of ways to make yourself feel better other than living in the past? I think you can.
That emptiness can only take control over your thoughts and actions (especially your actions!) if you allow it to do so. You are in control of your body; all the choices you make are reflected in your thoughts and actions. If you choose to spend your time wallowing......is it any wonder that emptiness is taking over? It seems your focus (and most likely your self-talk) is only on the negative-- what about the positives? What could you do instead to be a bit more proactive and help yourself get unstuck? What about your self-care? Even if you don't feel like doing it, it really does help to have good nutrition and take long baths. I find that even when I don't think I'm 'up to' it, after I do some self-care I really feel more calm and glad I've done it. You could even take it a step further and give yourself a mani/pedi or come up with a new hairstyle or some other 'treat' involving self-care. I know you've heard me talk about my running.....I don't know where I would be if I didn't devote time to just take care of me. With BPD, I believe that self-care is even more important to us than to the rest of the population. You might be surprised at just how much your head will clear with a good meal or a gentle exercise. Whole mind, whole body is a philosophy I agree with-- how can I get my mind in order if I allow my physical side to slide? They go hand in hand if you ask me.


Well, if you are asking for literal steps-- there aren't any I'm aware of. I think it helps to find a comfortable place to sit or lie down and begin by taking a few really deep breaths (try to count how high you can while you inhale through your nose, pause before letting it out, then let the air out very slowly through your mouth).
It sounds like you are judging some of the emotions that are surfacing. Maybe not, but.......they are just emotions-- remember perceptions lead to thoughts lead to emotions lead to actions. If you can allow these emotions to just come, and really FEEL them even if it hurts so bad you throw up (it's happened to me!).....and I don't just mean experiencing the emotional feeling. Try to discover what happens to you physically when you feel various emotions-- doing this will not only help you later (my stomach is tight, I must be nervous etc) but I find the physical easier to control. As in, that lump in your throat-- how can you get rid of it? When you do, I would venture a bet the emotion will change at least in intensity. After a while of crying your heart out and really getting all that out (focusing on your breath to keep you in the moment helps), you will get to a point where the sobs subside. At that point, I begin to analyze the thoughts that have lead to the emotions (and the initial perceptions if I can get that far). By looking at my thoughts in a non-emotional way, almost as if I were looking in on someone else from an outside perspective.....well, it really helps me to understand why I feel the way I feel and then I can begin to formulate ideas on how to move on. As for the emotions themselves.....when I'm crying or whatever, I find it important to try to distinguish exactly what emotion I'm feeling (is it hurt, or sorrow or anger or what?). If I can name the emotion, it helps learn the thoughts behind it and in turn, helps me get over it faster. This page has been incredibly helpful to me in identifying emotions. Just take things slowly, you don't have to figure all this out at once. Maybe try for 15 minutes two or three time a day and spend the rest of the day trying to keep occupied? Think small, manageable chunks.

As for your 5 steps......first, bravo for attempting them in such an emotional state! Really, kudos for that! But....well.....I'm not sure you have really identified the problem. You state the problem is that you miss your ex and will not get another chance. That he doesn't want to see you therefore your wish to get back together is not likely to happen. Sounds like 4 problems to me, and I still don't think it's the real issue. Isn't the real issue, if you think about it, you having a difficult time accepting the reality of this situation? Maybe even having the problem of not wanting to move on? I think if you think about it more, you will find a more accurate problem to focus on. And remember, one problem at a time-- if you have several, do a 5 steps for each one individually even if they seem like they are similar. Part of the beauty of the 5 steps is learning to recognize exactly what your biggest issue for the moment is, then acting on your choice of the three.

Sorry for such a long post-- I've been away for so long I guess I just had a lot to say. Hope it helps. Let me know if I can clarify things or if none of this helps you, we'll go another route until we find what works for you.

All my best!

wow harmonium.....you are a rock star.....on my way to bed right now but wanted to thank you and promise to write more later. also not in a very good state of mind right now to write but so happy you took the time to write that long post to me. thank you....

You are very welcome. I hope some of it rings true for you, but you know the drill-- keep what you wish and toss the rest. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Awake now but still not in a frame of mind to deal with this. Be back later tonight if I feel better.

Harmonium:
I started to go through your post and wrote down 5 important things to focus on but I still don't have the energy to do this right now. It did help to try to look at things more logically though and write down the five points. Maybe tomorrow I will get motivated to work on them. Here is what I wrote down in case you are interested (and I left room to write about each one):
1) What went wrong and why (focus on me - my actions and choses)
2) Discover my authentic self, set goals for myself
3) Self care - get back to being healthy
4) Sit with my emotions, identify emotions and physical responses to them, grieve the relationship
5) Discover what the real problem is. Work the 5 steps for each problem I come up with.

Thanks,
NAM

NAM, I'm sorry to hear your energy is still being sucked away with all these emotions-- but I certainly applaud you for trying anyway. I know it's hard; I do understand that feeling of not having the energy to deal with things. But.....just a thought, you know......isn't it taking quite a bit of energy to devote your thoughts and actions into things that keep you feeling miserable by not dealing yet? I don't know if that's true for you, but for me I realized that while I didn't think I could possibly have the energy to delve into things like these at the moment......well, I did have the energy to continue to obsess and beat myself up. If I could just have re-directed that energy, I think I would have gotten over some traumas a bit faster. Like I said, just a thought-- it might not be true for you, I dunno. Energy is just energy-- it can go wherever you deem it is needed most.

Also try to remember that not doing anything is a choice just like doing something is a choice. What choice can you make in this circumstance that will most benefit your over-all mental health? What's stopping you from doing that, exactly (if anything)? What choice can you make that is least likely to help you recover from this? Why?

I really like your list; I believe it's a great beginning. I do agree that if you try to write these things and their answers out in a logical fashion, it will help. Try to just stick to facts and when at all possible, leave the emotion out for later. Also.....some of the items on your list are kinda broad. Would it help to shrink them down a bit or just do parts at a time? Here's my take:

1. I wouldn't change anything with this one, but remember to stick with facts, not assumptions or emotions. Remember to include the reality of the problems you both shared that led up to the breakup, as that will help you rationally sort out what's what, IMO. What do you hope to accomplish by reviewing the past? I think it can help you learn for the future, but I caution you that it can also just serve as more fodder for negative self-talk. Be sure you know what you hope to get out of it and why before you attempt this, if you can.
2. Discovery of your AS is not something I believe can be done overnight. Why not just start small and maybe ask yourself how you really feel about 2 or 3 things? How you wish you reacted and why-- then maybe a plan for a similar situation in the future? For me, discovery of my AS is still on-going-- I've got just enough of it figured out to basically know who I am and why (therefore better self-esteem and choices), but some things I still have to think about my true feelings. For the longest time, I just followed the lead of whomever I believed knew better than me. Truth is....all humans are doing what's best for them (mostly) so what might be the 'right' way to think for one person may not indeed be the way I'm going to choose to think about the subject. Critical thinking at it's finest really helps in discovering your AS.
3. Great goal-- now, how exactly do you plan to accomplish it? I find the less abstract I am when trying to set goals, the better. In other words, you need a plan as to how to accomplish this goal of getting back to being healthy. Start small-- maybe begin with eating one healthy meal a day or bathing daily or going for a walk 3 times per week? Whatever, so long as you give yourself ways to reach your goal and then stick to it no matter what your emotional state at the time.
4. I think the first part, sitting with your emotions and identifying them and the physical aspects can help you grieve, but grieving the relationship may be another number on the list? It does kind of overlap, but grief over loss is difficult and I believe it will take you (or anyone) more time than the first part of this. Grief is a very normal emotion-- please give yourself the time and space you will need to get over this!
5. Excellent idea. We're here if or when you decide you need help with this one.

As you probably know, I'm a big believer in goal-setting and planning ways to achieve the goal. It really is one of the greatest tools I have discovered during my recovery process. It always seemed that I didn't need the goal lists-- I knew what I wanted.....but I didn't have a plan to get there so I just remained stuck in the fantasy-sometime-in-the-future realm of living; not helpful to me at all. How could I know where I want to go or how to get there, emotionally or physically, without a plan? Truth is, I didn't. I used to just react to things and situations.....now, I feel more in control over my life because I have goals and know how to achieve them. Instead of simply reacting to everything (which can be exhausting too!), I've become more proactive-- subtle difference, but one that allows me to feel as if I have control rather than things just happening to me. I couldn't understand why all this bad stuff just kept happening to me, but the reality was it was happening to me because of my lack of focus, my own lack of direction. It's really, really helped me to have a focus-- to find the direction I want and discover the steps needed to get there. It sounds so elementary, but it works for me.

Again, it's all about choice. I set at least 3 goals for the following day before I go to bed. They can be really small, like brushing my teeth or going for a drive to get out of the house (whatever I think I'll be up to)......but by being able to accomplish these daily goals, it's really helped me seize control over my life and therefore my emotions and gives me a sense of self-esteem and accomplishment. Maybe it would help you to do something like this?

I understand you are in a difficult frame of mind right now NAM. Please know my heart goes out to you and, when you are ready, we are here to help.

H - Thanks for your heart warming words and understanding and for helping me make my goals more specific. I wonder though - shouldn't I really grieve this relationship and really come to terms with it finally being over for good (we have been on/off a lot over the past 2+ years) first before I attempt all this recovery-oriented stuff? I say that because somewhere on this board I mentioned that I started reading The Angry Heart (maybe in my post here http://board.bpdrecovery.com/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=11210)
And I like the book and I think it will be very helpful to me. BUT I noticed that as I was reading it, my mind kept drifting back to R and I was too distracted to really focus on what I was reading. So shouldn't I set aside some time - maybe today when I get back from something I have to do - to just sit and cry and put the relationship away?

Absolutely. But....haven't you been actively trying to 'put the relationship away' for some time now (I'm thinking months or maybe weeks)? Why couldn't you allow yourself to work on that for say, an hour a day (or two or however long you need)--- but then the rest of the day you begin to focus on more of the recovery stuff. It's my opinion that by focusing on the recovery issues, maybe while you try to get over this relationship, well.....it will help you get past R. I did write this in my last post:


For me, grieving takes much longer than just one day or even just one week. It's an on-going task for me.........I think you might be doing yourself a great disservice if you ONLY focus on the grief/getting over R. I really think it would help to separate out times where you can do that, but also separate out goals for recovery during the same time frame. Then you just have to stick with your time frame, lol-- easier said than done, but I know you can do it. No one says you only have to focus on one thing at a time. Sometimes moving forward involves many aspects and the trick is simply to designate times and plans for how to accomplish them. I do think that breaking it all into small goals/chunks helps it not be so overwhelming.

I think what might help you most of all is just trying to move forward with your own life, without R. As in, get involved in activities that YOU enjoy, take a class or go see every movie you want to see (by yourself or with a friend). Point is.....it's that forward momentum that will help you move past this terribly difficult breakup. It gets easier the more you do it-- that's why I call it momentum; it builds and builds. Otherwise.....you just stay stuck in the 'what ifs' and 'what might have beens'. Why not try to identify some of your own dreams and make them realities (a goal with a plan, of course!).

Best to you, NAM. I know you are trying very hard with all of this, and I fully recognize how difficult it must be. I do applaud you for continuing to come back here and try to sort this stuff out-- that in itself is forward momentum if you ask me. Keep up the great work, no matter how slow you need to do it. We'll be here for you!

One last question: How exactly are you planning to 'put the relationship behind you'? I think you need a plan for that too, but maybe I'm pushing too much of my own strategies onto you (not trying to do that, it just is an effective plan that I've found). I think crying it out is a great idea.....but then what? What happens after the tears subside? What are your thoughts going to be when you think of the relationship? Are you ready to face the reality?
Okay, those were a few questions, but I think you get my point. I'll end it here!

(((NAM)))

Hi Harmonium,
Thanks again for writing. I am feeling a little better today. Some kind soul offered me 2 1/2 hours of her time online yesterday afternoon and it helped me work through some of these feelings.
Yes, I have started taking care of myself a little more and I realize that is necessary. I have come to the point where I am very uncomfortable with how I feel right now - physically. I don't want to be at this weight anymore and I have to do something about my carpal tunnel syndrome, so I am getting motivated to get healthy. I bought a ton of groceries on Sat. I have not really grocery shopped like that in about 3 weeks. I picked out a nice, healthy recipe and got the ingredients for that and I got some pineapple (which is supposed to be a good anti-inflammatory for my CTS) and stuff to make salad to bring for lunch this week. Then I cooked for myself which I have not really been motivated to do since R and I broke up. I used to love cooking for him, but have not really cooked for myself like that in a long time. And the best part was that I could make the food however I liked it. I made it good and spicy! R likes spicy but not to the extent I do so I used to have make things a little more mild for him. Plus I got to use brown rice instead of the specific rice he would eat (parboiled white rice - had to be parboiled, nothing else).
Besides my new pal coming to help me online yesterday, I had another guardian angel and I just have to tell this story because it was so amazing... I volunteer for a pug rescue group. I had to pick up a pug/basset hound mix from Greenwich, CT and drive him to Rocky Hill, CT (about 1 1/2 hour drive) and someone else would pick him up from there and bring him to his new home. His name was Remy and he was a great little guy. I put him on the front seat next to me and he just sat there quietly the whole ride. Well, of course I was lost in thought over R and I looked down and saw Remy looking at me with these "lovey eyes" and it made me smile - I swear he was reading my mind! So I said "okay Remy, I'll be happy" and I pet him on the head and kept driving. He got up and was looking straight out the windshield for a while. Then, a few minutes later I looked at him again and there were those lovey eyes again. And I said to him "I don't need a man, right?" and I swear he winked at me! So Remy helped remind me that there are still people - and dogs - out there who need me That lifted my spirits a little. Slowly I am coming to terms with the reality of my on again/off again of 2+ years being off for good.
I will think about coming up with a "plan" for putting the relationship away and get back to you. Thanks for the great ideas.

NAM

Sounds like some really positive things to me! Way to go, NAM!

Thanks, Harmonium, but I am going to come back to this post because I do still need to learn how to work through these breakdowns in a more productive way. In this instance, a little time and a few outside influences helped me get to a better place but I also need to learn how to do that for myself.

One way to step back from overpowering thoughts is to watch them, like boats floating by on a river.

"There goes 'pain' ... there goes 'regret' ... "

Observe the feelings and thoughts go by. Name them. Describe them, as objectively as you can.

If you find yourself carried along by an emotion, that's OK ... you accidentally climbed aboard that particular boat, and started riding along. That's all. Just recognize that this is what happened, and shift your perspective back to being the observer high on the bridge, looking down at the river.

WOW, Auspicious...that's awesome... good answer! Thank you - I will try to put that into practice!

NAM

Auspicious, I like that. I think it's similar to what I wrote, but simpler. I also love your imagery. Come to think of it, it was imagery that taught me to be able to do that.

Wish I could take credit If I can remember what book I read that imagery in, I'll post the title

well either way, thanks for posting it!