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 Post subject: breakthrough for Merry
PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2009 1:52 pm 
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This is what happened last night.

My kitty is badly ill and is probably not going to live very long. He has either a blood-borne parasite that is eating his red blood cells, or leukemia.

Last night, I didn't sleep. He (the kitty) normally sleeps with me and Anna (my sister) and I kept getting up to check and make sure he was still breathing and alive.

At about 1AM he woke up and began crying. I called him over to me and he ran over, tried to crawl into my lap, lost control of his bladder and urinated aaallll over me and the bed and Anna who was asleep. I lost it and ran downstairs to get a knife, not so much because he peed, but because I couldn't stand how much pain he was in. I wanted to die too.

I began to cut to stop my suicidal thoughts, but pretty quickly I stopped and thought about it. It finally hit me how ineffective it was. Finally.

Here was my baby, sick and curled up exhausted in his own urine on my soaked bed and this was my solution? Pretty stupid. Not only that, but it hurt (duh?). I stopped, woke Anna up, and handled the situation more effectively.

That's the first time I've terminated a cutting episode like that, and the first time I've realized how bad a solution it is to my problems. So I've been told a million times. It took last night to finally sink in. I really hope I never cut again.


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 Post subject: Re: breakthrough for Merry
PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2009 4:47 pm 
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I really hope you can use this experience as part of your Learning Library in the future.

I'm sorry to hear about your kitty cat but I'm also glad to see that you were able to use last night as a learning experience for yourself. "Cutting hurts" does indeed fall into the duh category but from what I understand, that's partly why people cut -- to feel something other than the internal emotional pain, to externalize it.

I think you were able to see that your cat's pain wasn't being alleviated by the self-inflicted pain you were going through any more than yours was. It did nothing to help him ... or you. I hope you can hold onto that connection the next time the internal emotional pain flares up. Or at the very least, I hope the memory of the incident will help you stop cutting just as abruptly.

Do you think that naming "all instruments that could be used to cut" the same name as your cat will help you stop & think before acting impulsively? Hoping to never cut again is good; having a plan in place to reduce the likelihood is better.

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 Post subject: Re: breakthrough for Merry
PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2009 7:27 pm 
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and i want to add..... :tunes (as in that is music to my ears)....i'm happy for the lesson you have shared.

on the other hand....it is really hard to lose a pet. for the kitty's sake, I'm happy to hear you were able to pull yourself back into reality with him.....he clearly needed you and trusted you would comfort him. for your sake...i'm also happy that you were able to make yourself be there with and for him. i have never forgotten the details of my last dogs' final days............and I'm really happy that I handled it as well as I did. I miss her dearly, but I know that I took very good care of her, I let her go when it was her time, I let my kids handle the loss in their own unique ways. It is a peaceful memory.


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 Post subject: Re: breakthrough for Merry
PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2009 8:17 pm 
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Thanks for the encouragement and sympathy skiotter and Ash. I've still got the knife hidden in my jewelery box. I've decided to bury it with Simon when he passes.

You're totally right, Ash, I need a plan. The problem most of the time is that I don't want to "not cut", and you're right, it hurts, but it feels good too. Last night was a breakthrough because for the first time I didn't even want to. I had the chance and everything. It was after my therapist's "office hours", so I didn't have to call her. Since I didn't have to call her, I didn't have to go through my skills list. No one was awake in my house. All I had to do was go into the bathroom or spare bedroom and lock the door in case someone woke up.

I think somehow my cat's pain is what stopped me. Usually when I self-harm or otherwise do something parasuicidal, I'm so wrapped up in MY pain, how much I hurt, how much I wish to die. To focus on the pain of my little, sweet kitty and his impending death was to stop the flow of suicidal thoughts. I have a purpose in life, and that is to make the rest of his as comfortable as I can.

How can I continue this trend, I wonder, when he is gone?


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 Post subject: Re: breakthrough for Merry
PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2009 3:29 pm 
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I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. That must be very distressing for you. My thoughts are with you both. :comfort

But it's fantastic about the self-harm - and the best thing is, it came 100% from you! You came to this realisation. You made this decision. :thumbsup And it does have to come from you, not your therapist, not anyone on this board. Only you can decide for yourself whether or not cutting is worth it. I know it's not going to be all plain sailing from now on, but when the motivation comes from you rather than anyone else... that's when the real recovery can begin.

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 Post subject: Re: breakthrough for Merry
PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2009 7:56 pm 
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I'm sorry about your kitty. :comfort

You did a really good job. My mom always used to tell me to get out of my head a little. I think that's why volunteering is so helpful. It gives you an external focus, a reason, it's positive. It brings good and happiness to your life. It gives you a 'reason'.

You need to find healthy, positive things that make you feel good. And you keep doing them, until it's part of your daily life. It doesn't need to be volunteering, that's only one idea. It really helps put things in perspective, your spot in the world. You are one important and special person, but there's also lots of important, special people with problems in the world, too. Things start to seem "not as bad" when you're not emotionally isolating yourself.

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 Post subject: Re: breakthrough for Merry
PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 5:57 pm 
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I am really sorry to hear about your kitty. I have a little kitty cat too and it would be hard for me to image what you are experiencing, that of its suffering.

Kudos though in your handling of the situation... to be right in the midst and to choose differently. I think that even if its not clear to you now, what the motivation might be in the future to continue making such choices in future situations... just know that you are burning a different pathway in your brain... a different road so to speak that enables you to 'know' the experience of this choice; the one that you have just taken, and the resulting freedom that it has given you. I know for myself, it is really hard to break habitual self-destructive ways of responding to deep pain. But each time that I choose to do something more healthy & self-loving... it creates more room for me to be able to continue to choose those healthy alternatives.

Thanks for posting... for I celebrate along with you... in seeing that we can do it differently... even in the 'midst'. Congratulations!


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