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 Post subject: Living in day dreams
PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:47 am 
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OK, this might sound a little strange and I am not sure this is the right area for this post. I find that I run daydreams about situation that have not and most likely will never occur. One issue is I find myself getting emotionally attached and responsive to the daydreams I am running. Second, I'm making assumptions. Example: I find myself running into the ex with her new man; we have a dialog and I end up mad about it. I am not just mad in the day dream, I am mad in real life. These situational dreams will continue to pop in my head many times for the same dream. First, is this just a strange thing to do or does anyone else need to deal with this and if they do, do they have any suggestions on ways to successfully deal with it?
These are my thoughts: first, I’m making assumptions, so I would cut them off as soon as I catch myself doing it. Second, I feel what I feel, even if it’s just a day dream, so I would accept the feelings for what they are and let them pass on their own.


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 Post subject: Re: Living in day dreams
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:04 am 
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You are obsessing. I do it too :( The only thing I have found that helps me is to distract myself... try to keep busy and turn your thoughts away from the ex and focus on stuff in your own life. Even if she were seeing another guy, that is how she is choosing to live her life and that is fine - what is important is how you want to live your life.

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 Post subject: Re: Living in day dreams
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 11:01 am 
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Because these daydreams tend to make you feel angry.....do you think that maybe you're having these fantasies that get you upset because maybe your not wanting to allow yourself to feel upset about the real stuff?

FWIW, I don't think this type of thing is abnormal at all. But....I do think that if you want to get past it, you may need to level with yourself about the feelings you are having in response to the 'real' stuff. Remember, feelings are not 'good' or 'bad'-- they are what they are. Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to feel them and let them pass.

Just a thought. Take what you like and leave the rest. :D

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 Post subject: Re: Living in day dreams
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 12:04 pm 
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Thanks NotAMonster,
I have found one things that really shut my thoughts down, and that is reading out loud. I’ve been reading Putting the Pieces Together and The Catastrophe Living I like the information they contain and its helps me focus on me.
I agree she has her right to choose her life. I realize what I’ve been doing in these dreams is to make assumptions, to try and find answers to questions that are not relevant anymore. Too place blame. It’s good that I can see this. (By the way I did the same thing last week – oops). I understand why it’s not good for me and I’m learning to be ok with making mistakes like this. Accepting things as they are without understand the why is challenging for me. So I guess the first step is to accept that this is going to me hard and to be ok with this challenge. I’ve also realized that my style of fighting isn’t in my own best interest. I can’t make anything happen I can only learn to accept that I will do my best and the outcome will be what it is. My hope is that someday these concepts will become second nature.


NotAMonster wrote:
do you think that maybe you're having these fantasies that get you upset because maybe your not wanting to allow yourself to feel upset about the real stuff?


Harmonium, I agree with you, and this one is really new to me.
I have been so black and white for so long that letting emotions out is hard and messy. I’m working on it, but to be honest, I’m all over the place and I guess I need to be alone most of the time when I allow myself to really feel, because I could get really mad or just burst into tears. They can be extreme, although I have had some success this week. I friend of mine got drunk at a party on Saturday, he has not liked the way I’ve been dealing with things and he thought it was funny to make loud jokes about the fact that I have lost 20 pounds this month, as he said “from crying my eye out”. There were about 20 of my friends there, although I was embarrassed, I realized at the time he was just trying the deal with what he didn’t understand and I seemed to be ok with it. After he wouldn’t let it go I started to get mad and left. But I was just a little mad, not the reaction I’m use to having, where I would have punched him in the face. He called me several times over the next few days and I wouldn’t talk with him. But I called him on Tuesday and I explained that I understand he does not like the way I’m dealing with this and that is OK, but it is my way and I need to do what I need to do. I told him we have been friends for a long time, but his comments were unacceptable. And there is no reason he should be trying to embarrass me in front of a bunch of people, just because he don’t like what I’m doing. The funny thing was I wasn’t mad; I wasn’t worried about this response. I just say what I needed to say. I can’t remember doing that before and truly being ok with the outcome. It might be small but it felt right.
Thanks for your input


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 Post subject: Re: Living in day dreams
PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 12:48 am 
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NotAMonster wrote:
Because these daydreams tend to make you feel angry.....do you think that maybe you're having these fantasies that get you upset because maybe your not wanting to allow yourself to feel upset about the real stuff?

FWIW, I don't think this type of thing is abnormal at all. But....I do think that if you want to get past it, you may need to level with yourself about the feelings you are having in response to the 'real' stuff. Remember, feelings are not 'good' or 'bad'-- they are what they are. Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to feel them and let them pass.


ya, I re-read your post and you're right. I am mad and hurt that she left me. I'm having a hard time being possitive about me and accepting that I'm hurt and sad. I just keep trying to blame somone. But there is on one to blame - its just want it is. She has the right to maker her own choices. It just hurts and I am sad. Its hard to accept sadness, accept its just what it is without placing blame.
It's wiered to feel releaved after crying. This stuff is hard, its really hard.
I guess I jumped subjects earlyer because I wasn't ready to think about it anymore.


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 Post subject: Re: Living in day dreams
PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 8:51 am 
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Anchorage wrote:
Because these daydreams tend to make you feel angry.....do you think that maybe you're having these fantasies that get you upset because maybe your not wanting to allow yourself to feel upset about the real stuff?

FWIW, I don't think this type of thing is abnormal at all. But....I do think that if you want to get past it, you may need to level with yourself about the feelings you are having in response to the 'real' stuff. Remember, feelings are not 'good' or 'bad'-- they are what they are. Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to feel them and let them pass.


I realized that I am trying not to talk about her, think about her, or see her because the thought of these actions makes me feel vulnerable. I have been blaming myself, because if I was better she wouldn’t have left me.
I can see the lack of radical acceptance (things are what they are without Judgment), I can see the twisted thinking (I am trying to control her – she has her own free will) I can see my assumptions (I am assuming it would have made a difference and I am assuming its anyones fault), I can see I am taking it personal, (I am blaming myself) and I understand I am hurt and vulnerable (I will do my best to just feel the emotions without judgment) – this one is hard for me. But will do my best to accept that things are just the way they are without anyone to blame. I’ll stop by the book store today and get a copy of the Four Agreements.

Thanks Harmonium, this feels like the right understanding and direction. It’s just taking me lots of tries to find it. Your insight has helped a lot.


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 Post subject: Re: Living in day dreams
PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 10:47 am 
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I'm just now getting back to this thread-- sorry for any delay!

I think from all you wrote you are handling this very well. This stuff is tough and takes time and practice. I'm happy to be hear for you through any of it.

Oh, and don't forget to give yourself credit for the progress you've made. It really is all about the journey. :biggrin

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"Pain is resistance to change."
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