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 Post subject: When is working on an issue holding on to the past?
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:00 pm 
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I think I’ve gotten to the point with an issue that the only thing to do is let it go. I don’t want to write about it, I don’t want to talk about it, and I don’t need to think about it anymore. But I come to this site and it reminds me of this issue. Maybe it’s OK to just let it be, maybe it’s OK that it’s still in my head then I’m not hiding from it. I don’t think I’ve ever really let something go in a healthy manner so I’m trying to do this without forcing it out of my head. But it’s really time to move on.

Maybe I just need to do the hardest thing of all, just start living without it. I just find myself sad and it’s almost like giving up the sadness is letting it go. I am just moving through this so I don’t really know what I need. But I do know that going backwards is not good for me and I’ve made a commitment to not do that and do what’s good for me.


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 Post subject: Re: When is working on an issue holding on to the past?
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 3:20 pm 
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I think that sounds like a pretty healthy outlook to me. :D

IMO, you know you are ready to let something go-- release yourself from the pain of it-- when you begin to ask questions about the relevancy of it. You are doing that. Try to remember that whatever it is, it IS part of your past. In a way, part of you. You will never completely get rid of it.....but there comes a day when you just don't pick it up and dwell on it all the time.

Fwiw, I make a distinction between forcing something out of my head (buring it so that it comes out at weird times or explosively) and moving on (letting it be; flowing and evolving).

RA is difficult. It happens slowly-- it's not something you just 'practice' for 30min and then it's done. You sound to me on a great path!

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"Pain is resistance to change."
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 Post subject: Re: When is working on an issue holding on to the past?
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 4:33 pm 
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To be honest, I can't follow what you are saying in your post. But my answer to the question you pose as a subject heading is: Working on an issue is holding on to the past either if it's no longer a current issue, or if you are working on the issue in a way that focuses on the past instead of on moving forward.

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 Post subject: Re: When is working on an issue holding on to the past?
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:33 pm 
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I think I get what you are saying ... sometimes, an issue only is an issue because we hold on to it, keep seeing it as a problem, etc. when in fact we could just let it go instead. The very fact that we keep "working on it" is what keeps it alive as an issue.

Does that sound right?


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 Post subject: Re: When is working on an issue holding on to the past?
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:55 pm 
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Anchorage, what you've written makes sense to me. There's a sadness, a regret, a something that's been part of you for a while, you feel like it's time to move on but certain things -- like coming here -- bring the thoughts and feelings back up, but you want to let go. I don't think there's anything inconsistent in any of that, and, in fact, it's healthy.

I was at a class this afternoon that I go to once a week which has a Christian focus, but one of the members of this small group has studied Buddhism quite a bit in the past, and he talked about how "what is, is" and how you let the thoughts and feelings come without needing to act on them in some way. That's pretty much what radical acceptance is -- there are quite a few different ways to arrive at the same concept. The point is, we accept where we are in this moment. We don't have to like it or feel positive about it, but we accept it. You may need to accept the same thing day after day until the weight of it dissipates. But we don't dwell on it, or try to change it, we just calmly let those thoughts and feelings drift through our consciousness and then leave again, taking note that they were there but not feeling like we need to ruminate or chew on them in a futile effort to change what is. If there is any change that needs to happen, it's the notion of "reframing," where we try to look at a situation from a different perspective without actually trying to change or manipulate the reality of it. For instance, instead of looking at something as "the end," we look at it as "a new beginning."

It's normal to have sadness or frustration or anger or whatever rise up when we are reminded of a certain event in our lives that hasn't gone well. When stuff is good, we try to hang on to that thought/feeling as long as possible, but when stuff is not so good, that tendency or desire to relive it all over and over again is harmful in the long run. So recognize that the old stuff is there, but there are no do-overs in the exact same way, and if we're going to move on in life we have to let go of the past.

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 Post subject: Re: When is working on an issue holding on to the past?
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 10:53 pm 
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Thank you all for your comments; I can take much from these.

From reading what you’ve provided I have a better understand of my former tendency of fighting my mind and getting angry with myself for hurtful thoughts and feelings, as this is contrary to the deepest part of myself. I think my post was really about being afraid of triggering my thoughts and feelings and how this might prevent me from moving forward. But I can see now that there is nothing to fear but much to accept. I will be cognoscente of not thinking about ways to change my thoughts in terms that would alter my perception of the past but work more towards accepting what will come has its own truth, while my mind can see there is new life and a new future in front of me. I will work to allow these old thoughts and feelings the freedom to past without contentment or judgment.

Maybe I should see my mind is part of my heart and soul, as they have a right and need to free themselves of what ills them, as they settle my most vital of my interior needs. Just as the physical body needs to produce waist to cleanse itself, maybe the heart and soul need to feel and remember to remove the negativity contained within.

Thank you all for helping me see this.


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 Post subject: Re: When is working on an issue holding on to the past?
PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 12:16 am 
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I think I’m seeing why it’s important to allow the thoughts and feelings to flow freely throughout me. The fear I felt of seeing this person again was from the judgment and shame I held over myself for the way I acted, the lies I told, and the things I wrote. No judgement just the truth and I will feel bad about this as long as I need to feel bad about this. But this too will end.

Fear is a strange thing that lies deep in the darkest whole of my soul, only to reveal its true nature and allow myself to step free of its icy grip when I allow the non-judgmental thoughts and feeling to flow free.


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 Post subject: Re: When is working on an issue holding on to the past?
PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 11:32 am 
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For me I think it’s OK to feel regret, the loss of misted opportunities of the past. As long as I do not attached judgment and just accept these feeling as mine, let them feel as they will and allow them to pass on their own while I accept they are in the past and can’t be changed. When I fail to accept these thoughts and feelings as mine, I’m not being true to myself, and thereby locking these poisons within me. They will hurt and make me sad for a time, but they are within me and shall remain there until I allow them to do the work they need to flow from me. For me I think it’s ok to be sad and feel regret because that is what my heart and soul need to heal.

While I now understand the importance of this process, I must also remember to live the life my heart and soul require, and find a way to stand up and start living in the present as I look to the future.

These are the best and hardest days of my life and they shall bring to me a fruitful reverence to the life I’ve only dreamed of.

Sorry – I guess I just needed to work through this. I’ll let it go for awhile.


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