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 Post subject: Anger
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2009 9:42 am 
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I know I posted about anger earlyer but I'm still trying to get past it. I'm angry about the way I handeled things since it ended, I am angry that she will not get off her fat a** and give me my stuff back, I'm angry that she cheated on me. I would like to tell her I am angry at her. I didn't before because I was scarred, not any more. I accept it over I just want to get past my angry in a healthy way.


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2009 8:56 pm 
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I'm not being nit-picky on spelling, rather, I want to see if I'm understanding right. Do you mean "scared" (past tense of scare) rather than scarred (past tense of scar)?

The issue seems to be how to get past your anger.

I wonder, would the 5 steps help here? A couple parts of the 5 steps come to mind. First, step 2, define the problem. (And there may be more than one problem, but in the 5 steps we deal with one problem at a time). And step 3, come up with 3 possible solutions. And that number 3 is important. Sometimes we have in mind one way to deal with the problem, and our solutions are do that one thing, or do nothing. The 5 steps asks us to be creative, to think of and consider a 3rd option.

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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2009 10:24 pm 
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I was afraid to ask her, or tell her, or even see her.
Yes - the issue is about getting past my anger. I tried the 5 steps and choose the one that accepted I was angry and worked my thoughts to accept things as they are trying not to judge. The anger lasted for something around 12 hours, my body just hurt the whole time. It finally stoped only when it turned to sadness. I need to learn someway to get past my anger - I guess the good side is no one could tell I was angry (holiday dinner with family in new city with 20 or so people I didn't know). And I didn't do anything that was mean to anyone. It's just hard to feel that pain and be so mad for so long.


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 1:38 am 
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Helpful techniques for me to help alleviate the pain when he cheated and we broke up: I put his pic on a target and shot at it, I tape recorded myself being angry, and feeling angry, I cleaned, I rode my bike miles and miles to try to rid myself of the extra negativity, and I cried. A lot. and then somemore.Anger, I've found, typically hides other emotions: anguish, grief, anger and sadness .... the list goes on and on. The trick, I've found, is to channel that anger into healthier coping mechanisms.

Just my two cents .....

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:49 am 
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Afraid, yeah, that's the synonym for scared that wasn't coming to mind (and, to be nit-picky to myself, "past tense" wasn't the right word). :)

And, ack, no time right now to post the rest of what I was gonna post...

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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 11:19 am 
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Today I can see that anger is only about placing blame. Maybe I need to hold those feelings for the day to allow me to see and feel its destructive force. I was angry because I wasn’t willing to accept it’s just over without judgment. I wanted to hold on to hope even if it cost me all that pain. As the anger subsided what remained was sadness. Sadness about accepting it was over. Later that night I found myself really sad about all the mean thoughts I was having about people I supposedly cared about. I was ashamed of myself for the thoughts of saying mean cruel things to them.

What’s left for me is the hardest step yet. Just stop and let this go. I’ve worked so hard to fix things within me and I’ve done a lot of good work, but that hardest thing for me to do is to not try and just let things be. This doesn’t feel natural to me, or maybe better put I just don’t like it. But it’s time. It’s time to let her go. When thoughts come up, I’ll ask myself of their relevance given that it’s just over – no right, no wrong, and allow any feelings to run their course without me digging for answers.

The trap: for me I can see a trap I fall into. Each time I make some type of knowledge break through I run back to fixing the past. It’s like “know I understand how to fix things”. This must sound silly, I can see that, but it’s what I keep doing to myself and I need to be aware of this bad habit.

I told her in my last e-mail that I if she didn’t need anything else from me I would just let this go, well at least I honored that promise to the point that I haven’t tried to contact her again. Now it’s time I honor that request for myself.

Sometime soon I’ll print all my post over the last month and compile a list of good skills and tools I can use in the future.

I do have one new post – it’s a question about forecasting. Why I like to predict future events or conversations? LOL – but that is for another time.

Thanks again to everyone that has helped me throughout these trying times.


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 7:49 pm 
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Sounds like you came to some good realizations. And sounds like you don't need what I was going to say. At least not at the moment. But, in case you're curious, or in case it will help someone else...

It seems to me there are three basic ways to deal with anger.

Untwist one's thinking. (Not that anger always involves twisted thinking, but it often does.) Not the choice when one is too angry to think.

Calming techniques.

Do something. Which, can be broken down further. Do something active, energetic. Do something productive related to the anger (like, those times when anger is a call to action). And, there are good things that one can do (not hurful), and bad things (ones that hurt ourselves or those we care about).

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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:11 pm 
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Thanks Ellen,

It's always good to have tools ready for the times you do need them.


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