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 Post subject: Conflicted with Therapist
PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 3:28 pm 
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I met with my therapist today, more of a general checkup. We talked about my overall prospective on life and where I was with accepting the end of a recent relationship, during this I admitted there were things about her I missed; Sex etc. He felt it’s important for me to accept there are parts of the relationship that I miss, not the whole thing, just parts of it. I can see where he has a point but I also see that this is dangerous for me. In the past I’ve had a habit of dwelling on these things and ending up wanting to go back in fix the past and thereby undoing my acceptance that it’s over and time to work on me.
I know I’ve learned a lot yet this seems a little dangerous to me. So is this a nature part of acceptance process? I know I need to be mindful about my thoughts, I just don’t know if this could be leading me down the wrong path.


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 Post subject: Re: Conflicted with Therapist
PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 5:37 pm 
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Anchorage -
What your therapist said makes sense to me. Because it is reality, right? You miss the sex. That is real. Sex with my ex was effing amazing. But being cheated on repeatedly was not. Therefore, I miss the sex but not the emotional turmoil. I miss parts of the relationship but not other parts. That is the reality of the situation. The reality is also that it is over. Right?
Chai


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 Post subject: Re: Conflicted with Therapist
PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 5:38 pm 
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Anchorage,

Correct me if I am misunderstanding. Your therapist is suggesting you miss parts of the relationship(you told him you did), that it's important to accept that, and you feel that might be hazardous to your mental health?

Do you not believe it's possible to miss things and still have an understanding that they cannot be right now, whether you have a grasp on that what those reasons are or not yet?

Pretending you don't miss it, trying to burn her and those things out of your mind with anger, bitterness, or apathy, is likely to hurt you far more. That's denial of your feelings, right? And also burning up the energies you can be using on yourself. This, Anchorage, is a blend, a balance. A grey area, even. He does indeed have a great point, and it's perfectly ok to question it, too. I can understand you might feel the need to drive it out of your mind or deny it all together. It is, afterall, seemingly easier to rationalize in our heads.

Missing doesn't mean dwelling or obsessing, like perhaps may or may not have been a part of your past behaviors. I can speak for myself here when I say it made more sense for me to hate afterwards, because I thought I could move on more quickly. Indifference was too difficult for me to achieve although I could pretend I didn't care. Hatred came more easily. But I am guessing that since you are here and working on yourself, that you might have an idea of what your patterns might be by now - And probably, that they weren't too effective.

So this is different, the idea that you could come to a place where you could miss those parts, but still see why it's important to do for you instead of running to get those things back. How to provide for YOURSELF, some of those things. That's scary, that's change, but he just may have the right idea here. But just remember, for now it is only an idea. Sit on that idea for awhile. Try to weigh out the benefits and cons. Also remember, there is no undoing or fixing the past. It is done, over, and the future is left for you to shape. I do not think shame is entirely fruitless, because it DOES point towards what we might want to change(everything has it's place), but beating yourself up or being consumed with guilt will only cloud your head and heart, and keep you further from recovery.

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The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.


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 Post subject: Re: Conflicted with Therapist
PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 5:56 pm 
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Thank you both,

I’ve had some time to let it settle and I’m OK with it. I just remember my past tendencies to try and jump back in. I really don’t have the desire to do that. But there are some things that I miss, but not all of it, and I accept that it’s over. I’m still learning so this was just another step of understanding acceptance in a healthy manner.
Thanks :)


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 Post subject: Re: Conflicted with Therapist
PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 8:15 pm 
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Chai wrote:
I miss parts of the relationship but not other parts. That is the reality of the situation. The reality is also that it is over. Right?


Miyasa wrote:
This, Anchorage, is a blend, a balance. A grey area, even.


You'er both right, I don't really know why I didn't see this before. It guess was seeing this as all or nothing and I thought I might fall back into my old patter. It's really just black and white thinking. I can see this now. Thanks.

Miyasa wrote:
Pretending you don't miss it, trying to burn her and those things out of your mind with anger, bitterness, or apathy, is likely to hurt you far more. That's denial of your feelings, right? And also burning up the energies you can be using on yourself.


Yes, I think this is why some issues wouldn't leave me. I would still get a little angry now and them and I didn't feel my resolution wasn’t consistent. I can see there was some good even though it's over. It's really about acceptance that I feel what I feel.


Chai wrote:
Because it is reality, right? You miss the sex. That is real.


The best part of this is the sex is replaceable. Sorry if this sounds shallow but I can train anyone to be good at sex, as long as they have a good attitude.

Maybe I should slow down and think a little more before I post, If had put a little time in, I think I would have gotten to the same place. Although it was nice to get well thought-out responses that helped me see what I needed to understand.
Thanks.


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 Post subject: Re: Conflicted with Therapist
PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 8:19 pm 
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haha it's totally cool, Anchorage! I used to post the same stuff you are and then I'd see people's responses and it all seemed so obvious but when you are "in the moment" it is not as obvious to you. I totally get you -it's alright :)
Chai


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 Post subject: Re: Conflicted with Therapist
PostPosted: Thu Dec 03, 2009 1:22 pm 
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Thanks Chai,

I've was working on this post this morning and I've found several other things I needed to understand.

Miyasa wrote:
So this is different, the idea that you could come to a place where you could miss those parts, but still see why it's important to do for you instead of running to get those things back. How to provide for YOURSELF, some of those things. That's scary, that's change, but he just may have the right idea here.


I can see why it’s important to accept there are things I miss. This use to scare me, I think I’m ok with it now. Not that I like it, but I can just accept it. It’s not only the sex that I miss, there was also the closeness of having someone that was always there for me, even if it wasn’t in a healthy manner. I can also see that I’ve been defining myself by my relationships. And, thanks to someone’s response in a previous post, I can see that an intimate relationship is like the desert at the dinner of life. If you are not taking care to eat healthy with a main course, thereby living a full life, the desert will inject a short live high that can’t sustain the flue needed to for healthy living. I think I’ve been a junkie to the desert pleasures that have sustained unhealthy living. This feels right and I think I just need to sit with this and see how it feels.


Miyasa wrote:
Also remember, there is no undoing or fixing the past. It is done, over, and the future is left for you to shape.


This is just something that I always need to be aware of. It’s just good advice.

Thanks again for your insight.


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