From DBT lesson on Radical Acceptance:
Quote:
Radical Acceptance is the first step towards change. It is the letting go of fighting reality. Suffering is pain plus nonacceptance of the pain. Freedom from suffering requires ACCEPTANCE from deep within of what is. Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to ACCEPT the pain.
For quite some time now, I have been refusing to accept the reality of my relationship with my ex. I have been able to recognize that our relationship was unhealthy, but I have still allowed him back into my life time and time again. He has a son, who was conceived while he and I were seeing each other. I have suffered due to my nonacceptance of the pain this child's existence causes me. I obsess over the child, I wish for the demise of the child, I get envious of the attention given to the child. And this causes me great distress. So I try to turn my mind to acceptance. The child is here now and there is nothing that can be done to change that fact. My ex suffered the consequences of his actions. He did what he did and he has to live with the result. It causes me pain to think that he betrayed me and that he loves and is involved with this child. But I do not need to suffer. I can accept that this is a painful situation and remove myself from it. I do not have to allow this pain to turn into suffering and I do not have to welcome it into my life. I can recognize that my ex wanted one thing - the freedom to see other women and take risks and accept the consequences of his risks and I wanted another thing - a committed relationship with a man who was seeing only me. I do not have to hold out hope that he will one day become the man he claimed he wanted to be. Because that will only keep me trapped in the place of suffering. Because he will continue to be who he really is, not who I want him to be, and the child will continue to exist, and I will continue to be in distress. But if I accept that we did not have the relationship I hoped for, and he is not the man I wanted, and what happened is painful but still reality, then I can escape from the suffering and get on with my life. I feel myself at the verge of letting go of suffering and accepting the pain this relationship has caused me, but I beg for the strength to stay at this stage of mental clarity. I do not want to slip back into disorder and allow this man and all the mental and emotional garbage that comes with him back into my life.