Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Mon Oct 21, 2019 2:58 pm

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Accepting She's Gone
PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:50 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:20 pm
Posts: 11
She's gone, I was having such a hard time accepting it. I blame myself for about 80% of the problems and the other 20% on her. It wasn't until she left me I discovered I had BPD, and it made so much sense to me why I acted the way I did. She left me wondering so many things. I keep on replaying so many things in my head. I think of all the bad things I did with the good things, I keep wondering why am I the only bad guy, has she committed anything wrong? Cause of that thought it has kept me still haunted by thoughts of her. What makes it worse, was I felt I was so blessed and lucky to have known her and be with her.Some days the thoughts are getting darker and fade away, and some days they get so bright that I can't ignore it.

I have accepted she's gone, and understand that I can only blame myself, at the end of it all I need to move fwrd. If I keep wondering how about her, it will prevent my recovery from BPD. I accept that I was angry, and acted in anger when my intelligence was the lowest. I accept that she's "perfect" because she seemed to have always done the right thing and never did anythign wrong. I know she no longer cares about me and its okay. She is gone, and I need to move fwrd, if I dont, then BPD wins, and I lose. That cannot happen and it MUST not happen. If she was able to give me so much joy and happiness, it was only a matter of time when she takes it away. I will no longer suffer the butterfly effect of her actions. I understand that the smallest most mundane thigns she does is not about me or towards me.

I have already started to untwist my thinking, the first thing I gotta do is no longer allow thoughts of her into my head, and dont allow small things to trigger thought of her.

Hopefully, this acceptance will help


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Accepting She's Gone
PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:51 am 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:56 am
Posts: 1465
I'm glad you are finding your way to acceptance, ManutdFan. I think there is some really good insight in your post. Good job!

There is one thing that I keep going back to though:
Quote:
If she was able to give me so much joy and happiness, it was only a matter of time when she takes it away.

Does this mean also that anyone who gives you joy and happiness can also 'take it away'? Doesn't that make you victim to others desires/whims? What about you?

I realize I'm making a leap from "what she was able to do" to "what anyone can do" and I hope I haven't misread your meaning. For me at least, if one person could do it many people could (twisted thinking, I know!). But that's the thing about twisted thoughts......sometimes they can be insidious and I don't realize it's twisted when I think it.

On another note.......no one is 'perfect'. No one. It can be really easy in a relationship (or during the fall-out of one) to paint yourself black (as in "it was all my fault) and them white (they are a saint) or vice/versa. But I've found in my own life that really neither is totally accurate. My break-ups weren't necessarily all my fault or the other's-- it's a combo. It takes two! The end product of all that is that I have realized that it just wasn't a good fit-- no one's fault really. My ex and I just didn't 'fit' together. And now that I have found someone with whom I do fit (my husband)......I dunno......even that relationship that hurt the most to loose (I was engaged to someone before my H) seems like everything worked out the way it was 'supposed' to .

Just some thoughts. Nice to see you working on acceptance.

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Accepting She's Gone
PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 12:48 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:20 pm
Posts: 11
Thanks for your thoughts Harmonium,

You were right in regards to me being the victim to others desires/whims. I was always depending on other ppl for my source of happiness, and at the same time I felt if I helped someone, and show my loyalty they would do the same thing. I have learn the hard way it's not true. Over a period of years I have grown to hate that man I see in the mirror. I have begun to grow to accept what I see, I dont have to hate or love it... but i know loving it will help me progress forward. All my life I have used fear, and hate as my motivation. Fear of failing to push me, hate myself, and if I become "worthy" in her eyes I will feel good..

All those ways of thinking were so WRONG. Accepting the BPD is a part of who and what I am is the first important step. Currently I am avoiding her at all cost, because it's out of fear of triggers.. Triggering old thoughts of her, or just triggering curiousity.. I dont go on any of the social networking sites I know she's on, and changed my email. I think it's a necessary thing to do, because it's pointless for me to know those things. She told me to contact her again when I am at my most happiest. But I realized, I dont ever wanna encounter her again, the wounds hurt too much. Its just not worth it.

Perhaps, all things happen for a reason right?
I read your quote on your signature.. Here's an interesting one: "Pain is weakness leaving your body"


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Accepting She's Gone
PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2010 2:09 pm 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:56 am
Posts: 1465
:biggrin

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 22 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group