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I have that feeling about writing this... that its probably a mistake. Which is weird considering I only have the vaguest idea about what I am going to write.

I'm trying to name this feeling, but its slipping through my fingers... I guess I'd better start with the facts.

I'm moving back to my parents' house in late January- next month. For a long time I thought it was what I wanted but now I'm not so sure. I'm afraid it will be terribly dull. The thought of going back to where I was physically two years ago makes me afraid I'll go back there mentally and emotionally as well.

I have finals next week including an essay that I have not finished writing despite having ample time to do so. I'm swamped with math review. I have a study session tomorrow that I'm dreading and may cancel because I feel like I study better alone.

I canceled my last therapy session because it conflicted with my psychiatrist appointment which I ended up not going to because I couldn't bring myself to drive the 45min for a 15min appointment only to drive back. I rescheduled that.

I haven't rescheduled my therapy appointment and the its kind of freaking me out because I feel like I'm going nowhere. But I felt the same way when I was IN therapy, I'm trying to remind myself. I'm running out of meds because the doctor and I both felt like it would be better to give me just enough to make it from appointment to appointment. Luckily I can just call him and get a refill.

I really want to smoke but I gave that up for the week as part of a DBT assignment. I don't have any to smoke anyway.

.... I could go on, but what's the point? I don't understand how I can be perfectly content one minute and gnashing my teeth and feeling like pounding my head against the wall the next. Saying "I'm frustrated" doesn't seem to quite capture it.

The kicker is, I think I'm doing a lot better now that I'm back on the meds.

Bewilderness

I totally relate to the doing/feeling better one minute, then total frustration - or worse- the next.

I don't know your whole situation but a couple of things caught my eye. You said that you were feeling "perfectly content" for a while. You also said that you feel like you weren't going anywhere while in therapy. I don't know when that was, so maybe I'm not getting the time frame or the whole situation. Were you feeling "perfectly content" - at least for some period of time - while attending therapy?


Or the other thing that I was thinking was that when you said that you feel like you are going nowhere and you are reminding yourself that that's how you felt in therapy too, could that mean that you are thinking of stopping therapy because you are finding that you are doing better on your own than you expected?


By the way, it seems understandable to me that someone might occasionally cancel an appointment that required so much driving for such a short appointment. Or that they might occasionally cancel a therapy appointment, whether they had bpd or not. And as you said, you can get your meds if you need to, right?


You said that you think you are actually doing better now, since you've been on meds, but that that was a "kicker" you said, so I'm not sure if that means that you feel that the improvement you've recently had with the meds is confusing you as to whether you are doing better or worse, or whether it means that it shows that you are actually doing worse than you were thinking when you were feeling "perfectly content"? Maybe it means you are doing better than you think.


Congratulations on not smoking!! I've never smoked, but I understand that smoking is as addictive as heroin so that seems like a huge accomplishment. Maybe cutting out the cigarettes is causing you extra emotional stress recently. (?)

I was actually referring to the previous few minutes before sitting down on my bed thinking about things. Before I typed the post I was out at a bar with two of my housemates (I had one beer over the course of two hours, because I was driving) and afterward we went to Taco Bell. It was fun.

But also yes, there was a time when I was content to be in therapy, though that was brief. The guy managed to break through my defenses once but right back up they went. Or I could blame him for the going nowhere.



Yes, exactly. Taking the meds has definitely led to an improvement in my day-to-day mood and the crying spells are practically gone. But night time is especially hard and I get confused when I have a bad day or couple of days and still have the same thoughts, sometimes including suicidal ones. I feel better, enough so that I don't need therapy--or do I? I still worry a lot, berate myself, etc. I'm often thinking about my mental health and I worry about being by myself in the world. After all, nothing has changed except my taking the meds.

P.S. Its not cigarettes that I smoke, so I'm not really THAT brave.

Thanks for the reply. I'm feeling a lot better this morning!

-BeWild

Hi Bewilderness,

I'm really glad to hear you're feeling better with your meds.

The question of whether or not to continue therapy has a few strands to it. Feeling like it's not going anywhere is a different question altogether to whether or not you 'need it'. What do you think you do need? My concern is that meds don't take BPD away. They just treat a couple of the symptoms and therefore clear a path to addressing the rest of the issues (IMHO). So if the therapy isn't going anywhere for you perhaps you can look at the following questions about it:

1. What do you expect from therapy (outcomes, input of therapist, time frames)?
2. Do you feel that the therapist themselves could be the problem (ie: a different T may take you in a firmer direction)?
3. Is there something you can bring to therapy to give you a stronger direction (eg: outlining to your T a few concrete goals and discuss how you can go about approaching those goals)?

Feeling ok could well be a decider in whether or not one needs therapy. But for how long has this feeling been going on for now? It does seem pretty recent (?) - like a few weeks. Is that right (pls excuse me if I'm wrong)? To me, feeling ok for maybe a year, whilst dealing with the ups and downs of everyday life, shows a consistency that you are able to manage yourself for a sustained period of time. And feeling ok, dealing with what life serves you, doesn't really include sporadic suicidal thoughts. Do you think it does?

The way I see it, therapy isn't just there for when we're desperate, to get us through the lows. It's there to teach us how to sustain a stable, happy life, through the joys and the disappointments/difficulties that life throws at us. Perhaps you need a different approach now, but I am concerned that, with the suicidal thoughts you've had, and what seems to be a fairly short period of feeling ok and managing your feelings better, that you may leave therapy and then find yourself unexpectedly in a real slump, with no professional support. And what I'm hearing is that you're defining your condition right now as ok, when it could be good or great. That doesn't mean always happy, but with the worry and berating you described things are not really 'good', just better than they were.

1. I honestly don't know. Initially I want someone to empathize with me. Or maybe that's all I want. I have weird fantasies about therapy that'll never ever come true and for good reason. Its kind of one of my deep dark secrets. Realistically, I just want someone who can understand my sometimes erratic behavior and be able to steer me toward ...something more productive. I just feel so lost and panicky when I think about my life as a whole and I want to know at least that there's something out there that I'm making my way toward.

2. Its always a possibility. One of the things that bothers me about my ?current/? T is that I adamantly disagree with one of his pet theories that he described to me. I can't explain why I disagree, all I know is that it seems like he's making some fundamental unstated assumptions that I don't believe are valid, and I can't argue them because a)I don't know what they are, and b) there's no point if we could just let it go and move on to something else, I don't know what.

3. Yes, I've thought about writing to him or to another therapist that my mum's T suggested for when I move back in with my mom and dad. But "having a goal" is really not the best item to be headlining a list of supposed-to-be-concrete goals for therapy.



I'm not very confident that this new found peace is very permanent at all. Nor do I particularly relish the fact that the suicide question comes to mind so easily. I know to a certain degree its normal but I think the gesturing I've done shows a little bit more then normal morbid curiosity. And I'm using "normal" in the most abstract sense here.

Basically what I'm saying is I think that in the right situation I could really benefit from one-on-one therapy but haven't found that situation yet, or else let it pass me by. I am doing everything else I can think of-- staying busy, going to DBT skills group, reading self-help books, maintaining relationships, taking my meds...but still am scared and obsessed with my mental health.

I'd tell myself to be patient, that everything takes time, but I don't want to frustrate myself further.

This all sounds pretty normal for someone in your shoes to me. I had deep dark fantasies about therapy/my therapist too, and I finally chose to discuss them with him (very HARRDDD!!!). He explained to me that being in therapy through these feelings and desires, discussing them, was all part of the therapeutic process. I don't have the fantasies anymore and I understand very clearly why I did.

And the panic about your 'whole life' - yeah. I relate. Therapy deals with the whole picture bit by bit, one session at a time, one issue at a time, until the whole web of your life is clearer.



Hmmm. This sounds like some important material for discussion. Perhaps you can't articulate this clearly now, but discussion could help you get there, and find out more about whether he makes assumptions, why he does, and what they are. It sounds a little bit to me like you are making assumptions about his approach with you, and you can only break those assumptions down by asking him.

So... I found this therapist back in my hometown where I'm moving to in three weeks.
She's young and female, (not my usual line-up) and experienced with DBT. Not sure how to take the enthusiasm I feel... its kind of typical of me to like a new therapist at first only to get frustrated and quit not too far into it. She's also the first person I wrote to on Psychology Today... I'm kind of reluctant to write anyone else because I felt so connected with her, but I feel like I should do a little more... "shopping around." Maybe.

I always went against going to female therapists for some reason, perhaps the bad experiences I've had with some in the past. Makes me feel defiant even thinking about it.

I'm a little curious if your fantasies are similar to mine, not exactly something to ask on a public forum! Maybe it won't be an issue with a female therapist but I'm not sure.

So... is this good news? I'm not sure, lol.

Is it good that you've found a new therapist? Well, I'll be honest, you've found new therapists before, so finding another one isn't what I would rate as progress. Considering what you said about quitting therapy not too far into it, I would think that progress for you would be to not do that this time. And that will be revealed over time. Do you feel you're ready to try to make that progress this time? You do sound like you're very happy with your choice so far.

Which also leads me to say that if you're feeling a connection with her, don't you think that 'shopping around' might be a way of running from the confrontational, trusting relationship inherent in the therapeutic kind? Would you not identify a continued shopping around just a continuation of past behaviour? How would you define progress in this area?

The benefits that therapy offers cannot be attained without being in the therapy, which means staying.

_______

I never questioned getting a male therapist, which is something we've discussed in therapy. My issues were about not trusting women, and looking to men for validation - in unhealthy ways usually. Because of some of my past experiences I had learned the dysfunctional lesson that the way to find love from a man was through sex. So if a man made me feel nurtured, I would jump to thinking I should become romantically/sexually involved with him. Thus, when my male therapist showed nurturing qualities towards me, which was a natural part of his role to be a reliable and supportive therapist, I began to fantacise about romantic/sexual things with him. It was all skewed. But discussing this with him helped me to see that pattern in my wider life.

I figured I would chime in for what it's worth. It's funny how different we all are, yet so much alike. I avoid getting male therapists for a few reasons. One being that men intimidate me overall, but especially men in positions like that. My psychiatrist is a man and every time I have an appointment I get so nervous. I usually avoid women though because I always find that I feel so competed against with women. I look at women as rivals, and men as challenges or authority figures. Also, I do the same with the sexual thoughts/feelings with men. I tend to also relate a man being nice or nurturing with me, to my thinking that I should then retaliate sexually...or the simple fact that he is nice and nurturing, 'turns me on' if that's ok to say here, and I have a hard time focusing on the relationship being that strictly of a professional, therapist/patient relationship. I have had fantasies in this area as well and I worry that I would succeed at attempting to make these fantasies become reality if I were to see a male therapist.

I understand all of your confusion but one last thing that really stood out to me while reading your posts, was how you felt somewhat content in not continuing with therapy because you felt that you were doing alright. I think this might be one of the biggest mistakes many of us make. The help we are getting shouldn't stop because we feel any sense of progress. I think you should continue your therapy even if you feel alright. It's also very normal and common to quickly like and attach to a new therapist. Is that b/c of BPD? Maybe I guess. I have done this quite a few times and then within a couple of sessions I grew to almost despise the person and wonder what I ever saw in them. I think some of that could be the illness, and some of that could also be our clinging to this hope of finding the perfect therapist. I think we build that person up on our own because we are so desperate to find that magical connection with a therapist. It's partially fantasy I think and then we start seeing things for what they are, or creating something negative because the goodness sometimes scares us. Just my opinion. I wish I could help more. I think it's great you stopped smoking. I was smoking for a little while as well and recently stopped too. I also am addicted to my sleeping meds and am stopping them. Addictions are hard. A lot of your 'frustration' could also be coming from that. It's so much easier to get through life when you're high or under the influence of something and don't have to directly deal with life and it's problems. You just have to learn how to handle life with a sober mind...and that can be very hard. You're doing great.

Wow, angel, you're spot on to my experience! I was recently talking to a guy I know about therapy and I mentioned how difficult it was for me to talk to therapists, or any authority figure. He was surprised I considered a therapist an authority figure!

I've always considered doctors to be authority figures, and for some reason that includes therapists. Therefore I feel intimidated around them, especially if they're male. With women, as you stated about yourself, I start to feel competitive with ...I have a pretty good-sized grudge against women, my ex informs me half-jokingly. That antagonism was something that kept me from seeing female therapists... well, that and my negative experience with a female therapist when I was a kid.

I definitely relate to holding someone in the highest esteem at first and then slowly/suddenly starting to dislike them for the smallest of reasons... I definitely think its a BPD thing.... maybe exacerbated by the high hopes/fantasy I've always had about therapy.

And... I actually didn't quit... I started smoking more frequently! Hopefully I've leveled off in my use... I'm going to quit when I move to my parents' house, but the knee surgery I had has made it hard to quit just yet. Boredom is a big trigger for that behavior for me!

Cheers,

BeWild

bewild,

I know what you mean about docs being authority figures...it's a generational thing for me...now they are "partners in wellness"...not when I was growing up!

I also had trouble talking to therapists because I didn;t know what to say to a blank wall. I couldn't use them as a mirror because I didn;t have that ability...soooooooo ummmmmmm

all it did was destructively validate my problems by allowing me to engrain my twisted thinking by repeating it over and over again to a silent person.

Because of where I was, i was playing out my role as victim or appeaser...it would have been nice if the therapist could have guided me through that...but DBT didn;t exist then, CBT was not in big use.

I also reported a lot of abuse to the therapist who did nothing...didn;pt acknowledge the abuse or help me see it as abuse. She even knows my parent's best friends coincidentally through work...she said something like "It's hard for me to picture some things clients describbe tome because I am not there and don;t know the people. In this case, I know the man from work and I know that he is an awful human being. he's your parents nest friend? No wonder you feel the way you do at home. Those people are immoral and cruel."

It was one of the forst things she said to me before the end of out time together when she dismissed something I did and then just stopped taking my calls. I donlt blame her. She didn;t know how to handle me. She didn;t realize I was being abused (I was 18 when I started seeing her), she didn't know how bad it was. And she didn;t help me.

The first success I had was by accidentally getting into a CBT situation and then i asked for DBT

Anyway, that's my experience....now I know what to do in therapy and I know I am better off in an action based situation..

I *really* like the idea of "partners in wellness" ...somewhere else on this site I heard a therapist referred to as an "employee." How different from how I've always seen it.

I have a really difficult time talking to most people, even my friends. Its only my parents and my ex who I could really relax and talk at, but even then sometimes there's just nothing to say. Maybe that's why I like being online so much.

Your experiences sound horrible, surreal! I'm glad you finally found something better!

I'm both nervous and excited about being in therapy again. My new therapist tells me that I can call her in between sessions, but that she doesn't have a 24-hour pager because she "works with grown-ups and expects them to go to the hospital or call 9-1-1 in an emergency." Well, even though most of my bad times are late at night, its SO nice to know that I CAN call her the next day if I need to. And she has a 2-year-old puppy. I *starry eyes* dogs.

I had a not-so-great night last night, but I fell asleep and feel much better this morning. I stopped taking my meds for a week so far, but I'm going to start up again starting today. They make me feel much more stable, even if I do hate having to remember and take them.

That's all. Thanks to everyone who has responded. Its nice to have people read what I write and care enough to write back. You've no idea. <3