i do not have a "formal" diagnosis of BPD -
i have been diagnosed with: major depression dysthymic disorder adhd (w/o the h)
i was hospitalized this past february for my 30th (give or take 10) suicide attempt -- suicide for me is a compulsive act - it is always somewhre in the back of mind (my last hospitalization b/f that was when i was 16 - i am now 38)
after i was hospitalized in 88, i began biting/cutting myself. haven't done that though in about 20 years.
i have horrid mood swings -- not manic - just from depressed to rage
i can get really impulsive shopping and spending lots of money - especially online -!
in '06 i had a major emergency surgery that was due to a botched gall bladder - we went through legal channels of malpractice - while gathering all the hospitals documented records, an intern had written that i was possibly Borderline Personality - (i at first blew this off b/c this intern charted this while i was in ICU under major pain drugs and have only intermittent recollection - and on one regiment of IV pain meds - they made me hallucinate - after they regulated my drugs - no more hallucinations -)
this past year, 2011, i have begun to feel i am just going insane. i live mostly in my room (and i have 4 children) and just constant overwhelming feelings - for which i berate myself etc - and spiral beyond fast -
i've wondered if i'm peri-menopausal (sorry if TMI) b/c of my wicked mood swings - and general feeling like i'm going literally insane -
one night - that recollection of what the intern had written hit me - so i began googling -
i just read my first ever "self help book" from cover to cover - (i have like 5 adhd books - now two kindle BPD books) i finished it yesterday, "I hate you Don't Leave Me" in the resources section, it listed this website.
currently reading "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" McKay, Matthew (2010).
the things i have read - it is like - THAT IS HOW I FEEL - THOSE ARE MY WORDS! Those are the words that describe --- etc -
i've been on anti depressants meds (like about every single one there is) but have gone off them for various reasons, either i noticed no difference - or i gained weight. my last run of anti depressants was celexa the psych dr. in the hospital put me on - when i went and saw my GP - he said, this is like a dosage for a geriatric patient -- and since i tried suicide with overdosing on GPs prescribed meds - he won't monitor my meds until i'm stable with a psych for a few months - and i have yet to see a psych - the meds b/f that were cymbalta - i think i did notice a positive mood enhancement on those - however - i gained 20 lbs - and that is hard going from size 8 to 14 - prideful, i know - it is a struggle -
so anyway - i'm trying to "put life back together" looking for tools to assist in that - i have a tremendous support system (though i've done a good job of exhausting and frustrating them - ) especially my hubby -
did i mention i get incredibly easily overwhelmed - like w/ just basic functioning - and my house is in utter chaos 4 kids - (neatness doesn't fit anywhere in their realms) i feel like i start - and just wham - hit a wall and if i can't do it ALL and PERFECTLY what is the use in trying? so - trying to find balance there -
i have a counselor - he had me write a "crisis" plan - for suicidal intent - but i told him, I don't need a suicide crisis plan - i need a plan for when i am in crisis - not when i like want to kill myself (thought usually when i am in "crisis" that is or can be an impulsive reaction to the crisis in my mind) my pastor noted, "A - you feel things intensely than the "average" person - when you spiral - you spiral to the great depths - -
reading - this forum and starting the "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" there are finally the tools listed that i was looking for to help me 'deescalate' in a crisis.
So, that's kinda of me in a nutshell - F 38 Married mom to 4
my user name is from the hymn writer William Cowper who suffered w/ depression.
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