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Hey everybody--I know I don't post on here a whole lot, but hey, I'm quiet. Genuine self moment! But I just realized I've been kicking around on here for a full year, so I thought I'd give a little update.
It was a year ago that I really sat down and decided that it was time to face my demons. I had just gone through yet another breakup, and I realized that if I didn't change what was going on in my head, I was going to end up committing suicide. That was a very dark moment for me. It was also good, though, because I came to recognize that a lot of my destructive behaviors were passively suicidal. It's amazing how dangerous you can let things get before you realize you're trying to get hurt.
Things are better. They aren't perfect, but they're better. I still struggle with anxiety and depression. My apartment is still a wreck. I still binge eat and smoke. I still feel like I need a life coach most days. But, I haven't cut or burned myself in this past year. I've only had one really bad rage in that time, by which I mean the kind where I seem to black out for part of it. I've managed to stick with my commitment to stay single during this first year, although I occasionally went on dates or "talked to" people.
I thought I would make new and positive friends who would help me on my recovery journey. I haven't, but I have gotten the strength to live without some very toxic relationships, and I feel like that balances things out. I'm more alone now than I have ever been before, but it doesn't bother me much. It's like I've finally lost that voice inside my head that says "You were thrown away, so you are garbage. You were ignored, so you don't exist. You are alone, so you are nothing."
I think I've made some advances with my dissociation. I usually remember what I have and have not done, whereas in the worst times with the disorder, I would often wonder if I was hallucinating, or perhaps had split personalities. I even recognize myself in the mirror now.
A big thing with me is that I was always trying to figure out where things went wrong. I had myself pretty well together at 21, why is that things were such a mess for me at 27? Could I blame it on a string of bad relationships? I was drawn to the cheater/beater type, I've certainly been through the wringer a few times. Was it my parents' abandonment, even though I was an adult? Was it something organic; Bipolar, psychosis, or maybe pot really did kill all my brain cells?
Thankfully, I had a good therapist who helped me work through an issue of "learned helplessness" and helped me to recognize how my family of origin groomed me to be the person I had become. Yes, I have been through some terrible ordeals--but rather than crying and playing the victim, like I used to do, I see that as a natural result of surrounding myself with men and women who reminded me of my parents, so that I could reenact the role of the injured child. I was utterly destroyed each time these people didn't play along, each time they walked out without helping me, without validating that child inside me. I was blind to the fact that I was picking these people too well--they were damaged, angry, selfish, fake, intoxicated, and unattached, just as my parents were. I took responsibility for some of the bad luck I was creating for myself, and I'm dealing with those issues slowly but surely. I"m not as full of blame and anger as I was before, and since I'm not rigging up the same scenarios every other month, I've had a chance to heal.
I can't say I've made any great progress with tangible things; school's not going so well, and I'm not working right now. But, as J.K. Rowling puts it, "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." I'm getting my head clear again, which is good. I lost my family, I lost my friends, I lost all my stuff, I lost a lot of opportunities, but when I lost my mind--that's when I felt like I'd lost everything.
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