BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Two years ago I lost my job, so I went right back to school to get a masters while I collected unemployment. Still no jobs after that so I took tempoary assignments in my field. Unfortunately when I got a really promising long term temporary job two months ago it fell apart for me because I got sick due to high stress at the job and I had to leave the job. I have always been dependable on jobs, but now that this has happened I feel lost and I am concerned that I may not be able to do the work I once did due to the stress level. I am seaching for jobs within my field with less stress and for much less pay and I'm concerned that even those jobs may be impossible to find even though I am overqualified. My husband has been supportive but thinks I should consider disability. I'm just not ready to do that ...yet. It's a blow to my ego but I try to look forward while I continue to job hunt. I know plenty of people are facing these challenges and even worse so I feel like something of a whiner. I need to stay motivated and it's getting nearly impossible.

Low stress tolerance has become a huge issue for me in the course of my illness. It seems like with each meltdown I end up a little more delicate. I know this is a little counter-intuitive since you just reinvested in your education, but have you thought about maybe changing directions, looking in a different field where you could apply your skills but not be subject to the same stressors?

How does the stress present itself? Is it deadline driven - like you absolutely have to get X amount of work done by Y time no matter what? Or is it more internal - like you feel like you have to be absolutely perfect in order to feel good about doing the job at all?

I have this theory that I call "Ghost, Goat & Golden Child." At varying times in a person's career, they will be the ghost (invisible to most, just doing the work without recognition or notice), the goat (as in the scapegoat, blamed for many things, beating & whipped) or the golden child (wherein one can do no wrong.) You can be exactly the same person in every respect and still run the gamut of ghost, goat and golden child - sometimes in short periods of time .... like in a six month period at a single job. It can depend on who's having a bad day, made a bad career decision, etc.

So in that context, what would it be like to take the job you like but just resign yourself to the ghost, goat & golden child concept and not give a fig about the stress piece? Basically take the approach that you'll do what you can do and things will happen as they're meant to - some will like it, some won't notice a thing and some will hate it - and you're still you, you're still yourself no matter what the job is, the demands, the stress, the fallout.

I've done a lot of thinking in the last two years about actually finding another job...and how I can do it "better", and realized that I was beginning to blame myself for losing my job. This went beyond improving my skills through more education. It became more and more stressful to think about going back to work that I somehow deserved to lose. Recently I've changed directions and thought about different "families of jobs, and yes, I have examined my attitudes about work and possible reasons for stress since my meltdown. It's been helpful to think I may finally be on the right track... thinking about my thinking patterns that is. Thanks for the feedback because kicking myself in the --- has become counter-productive.

Martha,

I can understand your struggles. So many people fight anxiety attacks at work so don't feel that you are alone. The most important part of this is that since you've struggled with this for several years now, you know why and how it happens. Remember, being labeled as 'disabled' doesn't prevent you from becoming hired and succeeding in the workplace. In fact, many people not only get hired but also are more respected by their peers if they know the obstacles you've overcome. I know your situation has been daunting but since you've had such an open mind to this (I'm referring to the examining your attitudes and reasons for stress). If you hadn't mentioned that, I would think you would need either therapy or reexamination of the spark to this. Keep hanging in there!

Well, it's been several months and a lot has changed since then. I found work finally. It's been difficult with a lot of challenges, but I am finally feeling like I am heading in the right direction again. I think I'll always be challenged with anxiety and fear, but I am learning some coping skills and learning to not be so hard on myself. I'm grateful to have an outlet like this board to unload a little.

I'm so glad things have gotten better for you, Martha

dagwood

Thanks Dagwood. I'm trying to keep moving forward. I keep falling down though. Maybe I should just tie pillows all over my body so it's a softer landing. : )

Martha,

Now that's an idea, ha,ha......I think we could all use some softer landings.

Hahaha, pillows... now that's something I'll have to try.

martha
i think it's perfectly okay and fine to fall down, as long as you keep getting up again...

I keep getting up. Sometimes I don't know why though except that maybe I want to prove people wrong who abandoned me.

It's been about two weeks of being depressed and obsessing on people from my past. Distract myself with this site. My boss may move me to a new job and I am stressing out about it badly. I think it is really triggering me, thinking about a major change. Was in therapy weekly til recently. Keep telling myself I just need to get OUT, then when I am OUT, I get overwelmed with the thought of going home. Don't understand that.

martha dear
perhaps you would like to list down what exactly are you stressed about when it comes to the change in your job?

Martha Dear....hhhhmmmmm

Glad you're getting better and that you have a job! Things sound promising!

Actually, making a list of what's stressing you out--treat it like a to-do list, I guess--is a technique my therapist recommended for putting things in perspective. I have that problem where I either choke or explode when it's time to make a decision.

AmmaNicole, That's a good idea. I've done it in the past, but I'm very detail oriented though and get lost in the details sometimes instead of seeing the big picture.

To-do's can make sense for some people, others not so much. Don't try and fight it but be open to different options. You're learning and eventually will settle into a comfort zone to avoid being in stressful situations!