A lot of things for me, I used to battle with what is supposed to be more 'acceptable' within relationships vs. my very basic wants/desires. I would choose models of what I felt were healthy relationships. My goal wasn't really to replicate it, but to use it as an example...All the while my insides were screaming "This is garbage. Who is seriously content with this shit? This isn't enough. These people are crazy." I had a problem with the idea of allowing my partner basic "freedoms". Example:
Say, partner is 20 minutes late. In those 20 minutes, I'm biting my nails. Every scenario is going through my head - There's been a horrible accident. His remains are splattered all over the expressway, and maybe I'm not his emergency contact, or maybe they can't even identify him! Or...20 minutes late...I'm going to go google the traffic times...HUH, it says it's smooth and on time. What the fuck? It should only take 7 minutes. He should have been home EARLY! You know, he's been talking about that co-worker of his lately...Yeah, I just bet. Fucker. Fuck him. No, fuck him. I am going to verbally rip him a new asshole when he gets home, he needs to understand I am not one of those stupid subservient bitches from the 50s who makes him meatloaf and puts on red lipstick while he goes and dips his shit elsewhere. What do I look like, a fucking jackass? WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?
I would talk myself into such a frenzy about it that I absolutely would not hear anything else. Reason would fly out the window and I had accepted my assumptions for truth. I knew on a certain level it was INCREDIBLY unreasonable, but to me it felt like safer grounds - Safer than trusting him. Safer than hearing an explanation and handing over the benefit of the doubt.
Sorry, I do tend to write novels on here...I relay my past experiences as a precursor to explaining healthier ways in which I dealt with things.
But anyway, despite the fact that I had these models of healthy relationships, I didn't really get it. I knew there was a lot of mutual respect and care within that relationship, but it didn't jive with my own feelings at all. I still thought my way was the right way for me, or maybe the only way.
Have you ever felt like, "If it feels wrong, it HAS to be wrong?" All your life people talk about trusting your gut, your instinct...But I'm going to say in our case, I think it's wiser to challenge that. Our initial reactions are not well-blended and weaved with logic and wise mind. See meatloaf and red lipstick!
I do understand what you mean when you say having someone to depend on is the best feeling. In a relationship, I do believe there's a certain level of that you reasonably achieve while still maintaining respect for each other's individuality, but when it isn't there your goal should still be to be able to ultimately care for yourself without building a case of resentment against the other person for doing very normal and very human things. Basically, be comfy enough with your own coping skills that when no one's around, you can still pull through.
I look at it this way: I'm not going to leave me. I will be my constant. When no one else is around, I've still got me and that's somebody. And therefore, I need to treat myself like the friend that I am. No one can love me the way I can, take care of my needs the way I can, shit, I have it good - I can even read my own mind.
I told myself this daily, still do. There's a lot of power behind positive self affirmations. When in doubt, just remember how powerful the negative ones are - You tell yourself something often enough, you'll take it for truth. The key is being constant and consistent - Which is really foreign territory for us, but a much needed and will be infinitely valued trait.
And when you feel more at ease and sure of yourself and your abilities, the inclination to depend heavily on others or someone starts to fade. You still like it, but you know you don't NEED it. Those essential freedoms you were afraid to grant, just start happening naturally.
Quote:
I used to not deal with loneliness very well. Now I am better about it. I can say I like it some days. I'm thinking of setting a proper schedule between me and my BF and sticking to that no matter what. This is important for me as I feel that I seek for too much attention from him. We've tried this before but I never really committed to it. Committing is very hard!
I think that's a fantastic idea. Start small, something you feel pretty reasonable about.