Denim Blue wrote:
I don't think I am dissociating, just not paying attention. I have a hard time paying attention sometimes. I used to get in trouble for not paying attention a lot so it is something I have been working on for many years. My father would say that the only way to get my attention was to smack me upside the head so my husband hitting me may be the best way to get my attention. It was common in childhood.
I don't know if I have any pictures of me at 4 since my father burned everything when I left. I have some pictures my mother gave me but not very many and none of them are when I was 4. My father cut all my hair off in chunks when I was 4 so the only picture I remember ever seeing of that time was one of me with my calico cat. I probably got rid of that picture when he killed my cat so I would not think about losing her or my hair but I do still remember that picture.
Denim~
I agree that you have shown a lot of patience, strength and courage with this thread. I commend you on your follow through.
About dissociating:
I didn't know until my most recent T explained to me a few years ago that my "tuning out" was a form of dissociating. I learned how to do that very well as a child because my Dad was known for his 3 hour religious lectures. I learned how to "look" like I was paying attention and going somewhere else in my mind. (My survival depended upon it as to not pay attention incurred my Dad's abusive wrath.)
About "punishing" and blaming oneself:
In your posts, I sense that you are blaming yourself for what your Dad's abuse of you. That somehow you had done something to deserve it. The same with the daycare persons.
That is something that I can relate to as well. I used to pick abusive partners; someone that I knew I could provoke into hitting/abusing me. Because I deserved that abuse somehow. Getting rid of the inner shame and blame that I felt for so many years was extremely difficult to do - and I'm not sure that I have purged it all as of yet.
Abuse:
I don't think I need to tell you that what your Dad did to you as well as the daycare persons was abuse.
Abuse YOU didn't deserve in any way, shape or form.
I can relate to some of the incidents that you are telling us here. My Mom used to chop my hair off because it wasn't pretty and curly enough. My Dad shot and killed my little white kitten because it pooped on the lawn. I promise you that these incidents traumatized me to the point I remember them well. I was no more than 4 when these things happened.
TV's can be replaced; what your Dad did to you by breaking your arm, what was taken from you that day cannot be replaced. At least, not without a lot of work.
My H and I love family pictures and have many on our "family hallway". There is a picture of me with 3 of my siblings hanging there. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
For the life of me, I cannot imagine myself or any young child doing ANYTHING that would warrant the abuse that you suffered. I look at the photo of myself and remember the innocence, being trusting, loving life. I didn't deserve to be punished such as I was. Nor did you.