Wow. Thought so. Without knowing who the others are and what the issues are, it's kinda hard to respond about their part of it.
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I am angry IBF, I am very angry, something I have a right to feel right now.
No doubt you have every right and more. At some point you'll have to decide whether exercising that right will get you what you want and deserve. But for now, maybe it's just getting you ready to take some needed strong action.
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I am angry for the betrayed child, I have anger for the lack of unconditional love I have been offered by those whom had that responsibility.
Yep, that's what got us here, ain't it? Not only deprived, but damaged as a result of the deprivation. Was this a matter of them knowing how to offer unconditional love, knowing how important it iwas, and then for some reason choosing not to? Now that I've typed it, I'm not sure those three can coexist very often. Or might it been a matter of not knowing how? I certainly never saw it in my childhood, and aside from a few sappy TV shows had no idea what it might look like. Not surprising that when it was my turn I was not very good at it. Of course my parents were even more clueless about it than I was. Those were the days when children were seen and not heard. Discipline was fast and forceful. I don't think any parent in my steel millworker neighborhood, cept maybe Mrs Shannon who may have been the only mom to finish high school. She might have even set foot in college. But the rest.. oh, my.,
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I am angry that people have to constantly remind me how shitty I am, and that just as I get straightened out in it comes again, from the very people I love unconditionally.
This place feels like the land of opportunity among all the other crap Bogit. Because you do know what's true...
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Taking on others expectations rather than accepting myself as the very beautiful young lady I know I am starting to become.
You know that you are .. have become the very beautiful young lady... and we here all know that and celebrate your growth wildly and with true admiration. But they may not see it because they are likely blinded by the past. Bogit, this speaks to me more of their limitations than of yours. It seems you've outgrown them at least in terms of your thinking. Certainly in terms of your interpersonal skills and emotion regulation skills. Actually, from where I sit looking at the picture, with those imaginary characters, I'm inclined to immediately feel pity for them.
So as you separate your stuff from theirs, can you begin thinking about the apparent need to moderate behavior as a sort of sad statement about their limits. Because they may never see the beauty we see. In you or in others. Isn't that terribly sad for them?
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Perhaps I need to straighten out my own perspectives some here. Not sure yet!
No doubt you will, Bogit. And as you're rightfully feeling anger now, don't forget the beautiful lady who runs a wild house full of sleepover maniacs having one of the best times of each of their lives. The beautiful mom who set out to give them that joy and that memory and went and did it with no help from anyone.
I hope you will trust yourself here, Bogit.