delta wrote:
I like that we are "called" on our behavior- that is something that no one has really ever done to me- and as hard as it is to accept, I know that being responsible for ones actions is sooo important!
This is a good point, and just to expand on it. When someone is "called" on their behavior, and they defend that behavior with the ferocity of a wounded mother bear protecting her cubs, it becomes a huge issue in a relationship. And really, if I'm a SO of someone who is doing that, do I care at that point that this person has had a lot of un-asked for crap dumped on them? Nope, I'm just not being listened to. It hurts, and if it never gets resolved, causes more hurt.
As far as the "run for the hills" advice, I have to agree its not the best advice at all. It complete blames one party and absolves another, which isn't fair and is not a reflection of reality. I would guess that the people who take that advice, have already made their decision and that this is just a confirmation. Its the absolute end of the decision making process not the begining.
Other that this advice, its important to note that the perceptions of how people are being treated by their SO who had BPD (may or may not, its debatable) are their perceptions. They are their reality. This is how these people feel about a BPD like behavior at a certain point in time. Unfiltered. Explaining it away, blaming it on something or someone else, blaming it on history, saying "it wasn't that bad", saying "I didn't mean it THAT way", and all that, doesn't mean jack compared to taking responsibility for it.
Quote:
When a NON is confused and they are told "Cut & run NOW!" because a section of a book discusses a Chosen relationship exit strategy and because the associated discussion forum provides a Leaving room, is there any responsibility of the book's author(s) / board's admin(s) to step up and clear the air?
Not really, only to point out that its this persons opinion. As painfull as it is, this type of advice comes from people who have found happyness doing just that. It worked for them. Also, sometimes people just don't wake up to what they are doing until the word "divorce" and "Lawyer" are presented as they watch their SO's backside walk out the door. This may or may not be the end of a relationship, but it is an eye opening situation.
I understand the focus on recovery, rather than "run now" or venting. It is a really good, and proper , focus. However, part of healing is venting about behavior and finding someone who has shared your experience. Then you can move on to your part of the problem, and start to heal and understand. I also understand that someone with BPD shouldn't beat themselves up with the monster image portrayed by some non's, even though its THEIR reality.
Recovery and self are really the answers to a happy life. It is a process and some parts of it are ugly
I chose to stay.