From a purely academic point of view, I'm the kind of person that would LOVE to know what the label or root cause of things is, especially things that are upsetting my life to such a degree. I burst into tears when I heard about BPD - finally I had something real, something tangible, something that was organized into a specific issue that could be dealt with, fought, overcome.
BUT I learned about BPD from a licensed therapist I actively sought help from. I don't know that I would have been so receptive coming from a loved one, especially someone I really cared about but was in the process of excising from my life.
That said, you know him better than any of us do (obviously.) If you write from a place of love and caring, you
might have better results than this Peanut Gallery is prognosticating!
Since you're already shying away from naming BPD in the discussion, I would consider speaking to the issues instead of him. What I mean by that is, instead of saying "I think you have a fear of abandonment" you speak to the abandonment issue as you'd like to be spoken to in that situation. Maybe something like "I'm not rejecting you as a person. I care about you, I want you in my life. I don't want the behaviour though. If we can reach a place where the behaviour isn't present, I'd like to stay married to you."
Well, that's a pretty cruddy example (stupid migraine is addling my brain tonight) but you get the idea. Speak to the piece of him that's feeling rejected and abandoned & offer assurances and kindness to calm that part down a bit rather than telling the angry, beligerant man that he might be dealing with abandonment issues, possibly making him even angrier.
See where I'm going?
My concern with quoting Dr. Heller is that he is well-known. In fact, he's most well known for his work with BPD and personality disorders in general. So side-stepping around naming BPD to your husband, aren't you in effect telling him about BPD anyway? If your husband gets Dr. Heller's name and does any level of research on him, BPD is bound to come up. You've then effectively armchair-diagnosed him, haven't you? Is that likely to piss him off, that you side-stepped an issue like that, trying to sneak it in that you think he's got a personality disorder?
Around here, we work with
The Five Steps. If you work the Steps, where do you end up on this issue? (Rhetorical question, needn't be answered here if you don't wish.)