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Which is why I'm trying to untwist it here, instead of starting a destructive and unnecessary fight. I am now able to recognize a big source of my irrational anger and lashing out comes from situations I am unhappy with, but then I lash out at people for no good reason. It's very enlightening to begin to understand the roots of a lot of the fights that have started.

So, a little less than a year ago, I agreed to go to Australia on a group trip, it was something Josh's sisters actually originally asked me to go on, and being that I want to see the world, I jumped at the idea.

And there's no reason I shoudln't, or still shouldn't be excited about it, yet now I'm not. I'm not sweating with anxiety or anything. It's not the idea of being in Australia that scares me, it's an aversion to the whole trip which I'm not entirely sure the reason for. It does take a big hit on my finances, I agreed to it when I thought it would be free, then it came back at me that it wasn't free, but Josh really seemed to want to do it, and $900 didn't seem like a big deal at the time, just a little over a month's wages. This was before I decided to go back to school.

Now all of a sudden $900 is a huge hit on my resources. Josh and I tried to get out of the trip, were told we coudln't, basically, or else we would have to pay *full* price AND not go, which is like $2000. Obviously this is not a viable option.

So now I'm resentful I'm being forced to go on this trip because I committed to it so long ago, and I get irrationally angry when I find out I have to actually take steps to make it happen. Josh got frustrated with me this morning because I have flat refused to read all the e-mails pertaining to information about the trip, relying on him to tell me anything important. He claims he hasn't been relaying everything, and then excused himself. I am proud though, I de-escalated the situation, I didn't call him and demand a confrontation on this, even though I was angry and frustrated, I know he has a right to be frustrated with me acting like this about a trip I initially was excited about.

But I am mad about the trip and maybe thats not fair at all, but it's bothering me quite a bit that I have no choice but to go on this trip now, which will set me back financially and demand all sorts of crap out of me ahead of time, too. I have so little money right now, that I am even cringing at the cost of sending photocopies to someone in Canada, every little bit is adding up and I feel like they better pander to me because I'm being forced along on this stupid trip.

I am also uncomfortable because we are basically piggy-backing on a religious pilgrimage. I am religious, but World Youth Day is certainly not my first choice of where I would go for a religious experience, Josh is not religious at all, and one of his sisters is, if possible, more irreverant than he is. So I feel guilty because this trip is intended as a spiritual journey and here we are being the false pilgrims, just going along for the fun of it. Being that I do have a sense of religion and respect for God, I feel this is disrespectful.

So there it is. My current frustrations.

I understand your frustrations. If you find someone to take your place would you be able to get out of the monitary obligations?

I understand about feeling a bit hypocritical about the religious aspect. I try and remember when I am forced into religous things I wouldn't normally do, all I have to be is respectful of others views. my example.

I work as a caterer and sometimes the events I cater start with a prayer. Just because I stand in the corner with my head down doesn't mean I'm being hypocritical. It means I am trying to respect the people who ARE praying and people watching me can assume what they want. (and if they are watching me, they aren't really consintrating on prayign themselves, right?) In this situation, all you can do is be respectful of others views, follow whatever itenerary there is, and maybe go in with the attitude of exploring others faithful ideas, even if they aren't your own. You can't control Josh and his sis, but you can be as respectful as possible.

I don't know if your thoughts are exactly twisted, but have you gone through the list and see which things specifically jumped out at you? It helps me to start there before I work at UNtwisting things.