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 Post subject: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 4:24 pm 
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Hi Everyone,

This is my first post to a BPD forum. It has taken me a very long while to realize my own diagnosis. I had over 30 years of therapy with three different therapists, none of whom ever made the diagnosis of BPD and two who encouraged me to keep secrets from my husband and find my happiness in affairs before self-destructing. I am a female in my early 60s with a loving husband and four grown children in their 20s, scattered across the country: three sons and a married daughter. It is only in the past two years, after almost complete disaster, that I began to work out what is wrong with me. Even as a preteen and young woman, I had no self-esteem, felt worthless, impulsive, poisonous, and unlovable. I come from a long line of wire monkeys (look up Harry Harlow's work on on this topic). From the day I was born (eldest daughter), I was turned over to a nursemaid, and my mother was finished with me when my brother was born 18 months later. Neither my mother nor father were attached to me, so I grew up keeping my feelings and thoughts to myself, because my mother was emotionally or physically abusive, and I didn't dare express myself. My father was always at work, loved everyone (the gardner as much as me), had incest with my step-sister, was an addict and worse. So, I imploded and never knew who I was. I married my husband 36 years ago, a few years after having a two-year affair with a married man (sadly, the husband of of a friend) whom I now know was a serious sociopath. Before that, I was married for a year to someone who was not a good fit for me. I was a virgin, was ripped apart on my wedding night because he was VERY large and took about 1.5 seconds to prepare me for my first sexual encounter (ripping, bleeding, extreme pain, and thus lack of orgasms). I was told I was frigid and have had sexual problems all my life until the last year and a half as my husband and I really began to bond. I had a few affairs while I was married to my first and current husband and lied about them. After reading about all kinds of disorders, I realize they mostly fall under BPD.

Two years ago, I called my old lover from 40 years ago and then again began a long distance emotional affair with him, knowing that he was not only married but had a full time mistress for the last 15 years (on top of all the other affairs he engaged in). I wrote over a hundred e-mails, had secret cell phones that couldn't be traced, came home late several nights a week from work and lied to my husband and 19-year-old son about being late for 4 months. This sociopath never wrote me in return since he “could not type” (i.e. no paper trail). I then spent 3 nights with him when I visited his state. By the second week he told me his wife had found out about us, which was another lie. My BPD behavior was too much for a professional psychopath. Once “caught,” I felt my life was over. I told my husband and children about it, came home, but then lied about cutting it off with him for two months. My kids were repulsed with me and cut me off, along with my husband. Why? My husband has always loved me and valued me, and also loved them. Simply, he decided to stay with me, while always seeing the best in me and putting up with the worst. So, he was out, too.

After my 5-month affair, my husband took me back, loved me, wanted me to stay, and provided a safe place for me to explain every last detail of what I had kept secret during our entire marriage so that I could begin to heal. Naturally, as a BPD, I squirmed and squiggled, felt trapped, feared abandonment (which I caused with my children and almost with my husband), was ashamed, humiliated, and wished I were dead. I had once again become the mistress of a sociopath who told me exactly what I wanted to hear. Just like in my almost-two-year affair with him 40 years ago, he never gave me anything but empty words. Shortly after being home from this last affair, I stayed with friends for 6 weeks to regroup and think more clearly. I did cut off from this sick man then, and I began “dating” my husband and really fell in love for the first time. I was no longer a masochistic ditz begging for the approval of a psychopath or seeing if I could “win” out over his wife and mistress. I no longer needed to use my magical BPD powers to claim that a totally immoral, selfish, psychopath was the “kindest,” “most empathetic,” “decent,” person in the world who uniquely realized how “special” I was. I was no longer a teenage tragic girl from the movie “Kids” who would take the most pathetic lies and try to use them as a drug to offset my own horrible feelings. I know it must sound absurd to you, but I really didn't know what true love was—how it was meant to be transparent, private, shared, intimate, and a covenant vow between the two of us. I had thought I could take a day or two vacation from my marriage every few years to have other men a couple of times and, obviously, didn't know much about true attachment. My BPD thinking ruled that if something was a secret it could not possibly impact my marriage or children. My non-BPD husband and children did not quite grasp the almost delusional world that I created for myself. My children cannot see how I could cheat on their father and find other men more important than them. Were our children not compelling enough that my I needed unethical entertainment to provide me excitement? Were four wonderful, beautiful children not exciting enough, not enough to fill the huge hole that was me? Obviously, motherhood did not fill my emptiness anymore than being a wife did. I needed more. Unlike my siblings who turned to drugs, I turned to fake relationships. Our children took my betrayal as a statement of how I felt about them and, in fact, were right, though it took me months to see that I had indeed felt lonely and isolated because I was a detached mother. The price they are paying and will pay for being raised by a detached BPD mother may never become conscious to them, but it truly pains me to see it in them. The less I stay a BPD, the more horrified and nauseated I am at the things I did and the ways I was. I can tell my own progress by the horror of seeing who I was. I was exactly the kind of person I would despise when, at the height of my BPD, I thought I was a warm, caring, giving person surrounded by a family who did not value me, cut me off and out of things. I had the victim act down to a tee. When our kids turned about 14 and became their own persons, I felt more detached as they pushed their own needs and values forward, which made me feel more isolated and thus more critical and afraid of them. As they became their own persons, I felt threatened by their intellects. Because they were all so bright, even the best schools failed them, so I ended up homeschooling them for 15 years, 24/7. They were around me all day, and though I thought these were the best years of our lives, it is also when I had two very short affairs. For a BPD like me, kids were there to make me feel loved and loving. I was an extremely “competent” mother. Didn't this mean I was a really good mother? (Um, my mother did the same things, but there I could feel slaps on the face, humiliation, and cold and hatred. But wasn't I different than my mom? (I now see with horror and surprise that I was not.) However, I think the affairs I had were not due to sexual attraction as much as the desperate need to feel noticed, special, wanted—when I had it all along from my husband and children. Perhaps I needed some excitement in my life besides homeschooling every day and a little trinket to hide what may have been some boredom.

Now, my husband and I are rebuilding our relationship, thanks to his relentless care and support of me and my trust in him. I have continued to lie about big and small things about the affair, once the webs had been built. I had to lie to cover up the things I thought would end up with abandonment. So, our world crashed on the outside as well as on the inside of all of us. I am now only a week without even a little white lie about “nothing.” I know that I love my husband deeply.

Three of our kids have just been home for the first time in 2 years, and I was terrified about what would happen, since none of them want to ever talk about “what happened” with either of us, since I lied so much at first. They see anything I say by means of repentance or apology as manipulative or just more lying, so we don't talk about anything personal with either of us. Their visits went fairly well and there was even a day or so that felt somewhat “normal,” like in the old days before they knew what was behind my exterior life. But what I can see is that, at the core, I have created clones of the worst of me. There is nothing personal, no warmth, and the words “I love you” are not spoken or felt. Yes, I am their mother biologically. Emotionally, I produced people like me—selfish, self-centered, non-appreciate. The words ”thank you” will never be heard in our “family” any more than the word “love.” The tragedy of how I took four beautiful children and turned them into emotional robots is so very painful. Like me, they are high functioning, and appear to themselves and the rest of the world as outstanding and accomplished. I think of how many people thought I was a caring, kind person as I cheated and betrayed my family and had very little gratitude. Why would they offer to wash a dish, help with dinner, help with yard work? And why would a borderline ever say thank you?

I am dealing with huge (though diminishing) issues of abandonment, splitting, lying, emptiness, worthlessness, not reading people well, expressing anger/irritability/control/projection, and finding God in my life at a core level (which has made all of the difference). I know the path to recovery is a long one, and I can't believe how many years I was in treatment without a diagnosis that could have helped me recover if the therapists were at all competent. Now, I can watch a five minute YouTube video on BPD and learn more than I ever did. I am now getting to a place where my husband has convinced me that he will not abandon me, even if I lie again. I have told him there is NO chance I will ever have an affair again, and I hope to never lie again, but this may take more time to expunge. I realized that my lying was to cover up secrets from private places inside where I felt I had control. Little did I know that I was emotionally functioning as a very young child. I have since revealed all of my private places and temptations to lie about. I want our marriage to grow as we age and am pleased to say that I have finally blossomed sexually, although the impact of all of this on my DH had made it difficult for him to respond sexually, though he is incredibly responsive and we now love sexual intimacy. I know my husband's sexual difficulties are because of the basic way I broke his trust, not only in me, but in his own sense of reality and self , and what he thought we had in our marriage. He focuses on me, which I now can see he always did, and he is mourning the loss of the past marriage he thought he had and the real loss of his family. I am dreadfully remorseful and grieving for what I have caused my family. I have cut off from family and so-called friends who helped me destroy my life by never really trying to stop me or asking to speak with both of us, or assume my “story” was just that. I have learned how other people who cannot face the tragedy and rage of their own marriage are very willing to get someone else (me) to do what they are afraid to do. I have since found 3 or 4 women whom I can talk with and even put my husband on the phone as well in order to be part of the transparent conversation.

I have used several tools to try to keep myself on track. Building my relationship with our Lord has been the most beneficial in terms of rewiring my perspectives. I also taped labels onto my computer (where I wrote those impulsive emails to people without considering the consequences). The words are Privacy, Trust, Avoid (bad deeds), Gain (is there anything to gain by my action I am thinking of taking?), Look Good (trying to make people think I am better than I am), Eyes (look my DH in the eyes as I talk so I don't lie to him), and CHOICE (choose God or Satan?). Obviously, my husband and I have grown very close and intimate in the way we talk and are with each other. Our kids, however, have shared nothing personal about their lives with us for two years, and it is a horrible feeling to be cut off from our own children. They actively refuse to answer questions about what or how they are feeling about us as a family or even share what they are doing, what they are interested in, etc. We have not asked to talk about anything with them this visit, but have just been gracious, accommodating, and friendly—allowing for openness. We would love to find a way to break through their resolve to have as little to do with us as possible, because you can imagine how devastating it is to lose four children . None of them show or feel anything called “love” toward us. I know this all because I was so detached as a person and that I probably (though very affectionate, caring, and competent on the surface) was unknowingly detached myself and could only teach them love from that perspective.

I find that I helped create four children who have the same virus of detachment and can only love to a certain extent. I feel sorry for them, but they do not know the difference, just like I didn't. I can only say that the constant and caring love of my husband is allowing me to “come out” and get better, with the aid of some online forums, sermons, and prayer. Mother's Day and Father's Day are non-exist and very painful. Our children stick together and relate to each other, but not to us, so this is a feeling of abandonment for me, though I am the one who caused it. I dragged my DH down with me, but we are becoming closer and closer in our love and connection. There is obviously much more to my story, but this gives a reflection on who I am and who I am trying to become.

Thank you all if you had the patience to read this. At my age, I do not have a lot of recovery time left, so must work assiduously and with haste. Bring it on, folks!
Cynwyd


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:01 am 
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hey

thanks for sharing your life with us folks over here.

Yup, i read the whole thing :)

It does sound to me like you're making progress, and that's a good thing.

Your husband - wow. You must appreciate him :)

As for your children, well, have you apologized to them?


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:27 pm 
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Meremortal,

Yes, my husband is amazing!!! He is not sick like I am. He is strong, moral, ethical, and extremely giving and caring. (Did I know all this when I was in the hight of my BPD behavior? No way.) As for my kids, I had written them several letters explaining what I thought was wrong with me, how I tried to correct it, how my husband and I are making progress, but they do not want to EVER talk about "the time of the affair" again or the fact that I was a detached mother, though I would have sworn to you that I was the best mother in the world. Heck, I even ended up homeschooling them for 15 years and they all began college between 12-14 and PhD by age 25!!! I cuddled, hugged, hugged, played, explored, and just was with them and facilitating their interests and learning. But that was not enough because it was motivated by my own need to feel important and competent. So, they are all extremely bright, motivated, and ethical (thanks more to my husband!). They do not want to be manipulated or hear about that era of their lives. They do not trust me yet, because we have not been able to hash it out like I did with my husband. He also cannot talk to them about "it." So, we are left in limbo in this area and hope to have at least cordial and comfortable meetings, if not personal and loving. On Father's Day, one son did say he loved his Dad after much discussion about the practice of saying "I love you" too often. Then, yesterday, our daughter called him and ended by saying I love you, when it has been a decade since he heard that! So, step by step, things improve. The present eventually overtakes the past if we work on it and sets us up for a better future. We will play it by ear with the kids, but know we have each other, which is what really matters. Thanks for reading ALL of my post and replying. I truly appreciate it.

Cynwyd


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:12 pm 
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Well
keep working at it, keep appreciating your hubby

As for your kids, they'll have to go through their own journey of recovery. It's tough for them. But you could take the first step by apologizing and asking for their forgiveness. The rest then, is totally up to them. They are adults now and make their own choices. Unfortunately that's the case.


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:34 pm 
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Thanks again for your support. I have apologized, asked for forgiveness (which they don't believe in), and repented for the things I had done. They just don't want to hear it. None of us knew I was a BPD, so they really don't understand the tortuous process I've gone through to dig that deep down and admit I'm a BPD who lied for months at a time over that damn affair. Yes, they are adults now and have their own take on things. I do sense that this generation of young adults is more self-focused than previous decades. It's all about them and their needs. Since my husband and I finally (and this is HUGE) have each other, we are resigned to at least having a civil relationship with our kids in time. As they begin to hit their 30s, marry, have kids, etc. who knows what will happen? At least they do appreciate the life they had as very active and involved homeschoolers who were with each other and us all the time. Maybe not such a good thing for a BPD mother to have that much time/influence on her kids. But, they are grateful and only got where they are because of it. I really thank you for your feedback, meremortal.


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:38 pm 
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PS: My siblings (in their 50s and 60s all have BPD but don't know it. They are just screwed up addicts, liars, adulterers, empty, and no esteem. I wish I could tell them, but our mother is still alive and I'm the black sheep anyway. Why would they want to listen to me? Why would anyone????


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 1:11 am 
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Since you've asked for forgiveness, the ball is now in their (your kids)'s courts to forgive you...

interesting that your siblings have bpd too...


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:11 pm 
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Well, we all came from the same dysfunctional family! They just don't know what it is that is wrong with them, but believe me, they are BPD as well and struggling in their own ways. One brother in rehab now, one is an NA sponsor and has been clean for 15-20 years, another in an emotional wreck, etc. It's sad how our early years can keep us chained up inside ourselves. If only I'd know my own diagnosis (even though my therapists had no clue), it might have helped me to recover and know what I was up against. Perhaps I could have lived the life I am now finding with my husband and with that love been a better mother. Ask anyone and they will say I was the best mother they ever met, but we all know what was lurking underneath and it does slip though. I'm on day 13 of not lying or doing anything out of order. How long do you think I'll make it?


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:56 pm 
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Day 13? That's very good. Keep counting, I believe you can make it friend :)

Yeah it's sad how the early years of our lives can screw us up like that.


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 11:54 am 
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Two days ago I had a semi-meltdown. Since our kids really don't keep in touch, the only way to know anything about them is to read their Facebook pages. Four of them were together on the East coast for the week around July 4th. We were not invited and one son is overseas working. There was a photo of our youngest with our daughter's dog. That really hit home how absent we are. I started to get irritable and easily frustrated about little things. My DH said I was exhibiting some of my old BPD behavior and that he didn't like it. I had asked him to let me know when I was off target so I could stop what I was doing. I stopped dead in my tracks and gave it up. That was a very good thing for me to go through. I also felt guilty and dirty for having even gone there in the first place.

I was supposed to hear back about a job this past Thursday or Friday and nada. It looks as though I may not be working, since I've been applying for six months and nothing has turned up yet. I'll keep trying, though.

I am very sad about the fact that I chose to have an affair two years ago rather than hold onto my children. It was a terrible, terrible rotten mistake. There was nothing worth having an affair for except to meet some screwy BPD "needs." There is nothing worse that I can think of than losing 4 grown kids who used to be part of our family. Now they are each other's family and we are missing. It also hurt my husband so much that it will take some time for the last pieces of wreckage to heal. It is difficult for me to not feel guilty and dirty. I try to trust in God and do the right things now. I'm not always sure what is "right," but my DH is almost always right on target. I am so thankful to have him. We keep thinking that we would be happier if we didn't have kids to continually remind us of what we have lost, but it's easier said than done. We still think of them, but realize we have lost them. How can I ever make that up to anyone????


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 7:31 pm 
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that sucks, feeling the loss.....


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 8:18 pm 
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Meremortal,

Today was so difficult. All I wanted to do was call my kids who were altogether and, like a normal person (though if I were a normal person, I would have been WITH them), but knew they'd rather not hear from their lying, cheating mother. It is so hard to know that they really don't want me in their lives. How could I have done such a thing???? I will never know what kind of idiotic borderline land I was in to cause so much damage to so many people. I felt needy today and wanted some attention from my husband, then practically complained that I needed attention. Then I got on myself for all the horrible things I've done to put us in this spot. I started to get irritable. This is just so hard for me that I don't know what to do. I almost wrote one of my sons who is moving to another state tomorrow. But, the email sounded so stupid, wishing him a good trip. So, I didn't sent it. He'll move with or without my email or phone call. He could have called us to say he'll be leaving the East coast for the West coast. But, I guess that's what an ATTACHED person might do, and I grew up (only the first 6 decades) not knowing I was even detached. I passed that quality (which I call THE VIRUS) on to my kids without me, my husband, or them even knowing it. So, they have a certain level of detachment as well. It hurts me like hell to know that this is the legacy I left my four beautiful children. So, I truly do HATE holidays and wish they would go away. I wish I could either forget I have kids or get them to talk about "it" so we can try to move forward (or SOMEwhere) instead of being in this silent, nothing personal, state of non-connecting. But, how can I forget I have four children, a son-in-law (whose parents support my daughter's disappearance from my life)? I know this is a pity party, but it really, really hurts. I wish I knew what to do.


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 11:25 pm 
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I wish I can tell you what to do, but all i can offer you is plenty of hugs from across the sea.

Perhaps it's time to move on with your life. It does not mean forgetting that you have four beautiful children, but it means RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of status quo.

Do check out Radical Acceptance on this site, I have a feeling this tool will help you greatly.


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 3:36 am 
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Why not wish your son a good trip? Like you said, he'll be moving regardless of your input. Letting the children know that you are thinking of them might be a good step to showing that you are interested in reconnecting. Your children are adults now, and will move where they will. Why would you only be willing to contact him if you thought you would be able to manipulate him into staying where you wanted him?

I noticed you have a lot of negative self-talk. I used to do that, too. Make sure you compliment yourself, and give yourself encouragement as well. Like a daily affirmations type of thing. It will have a big effect. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 10:49 am 
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AmaNicole,

Thank you for your insight. One correction: I have no feelings about where they live except if it is where they WANT to live and be happy. I did write an email wishing him a good change. Our kids seem to be at a point where they don't want to hear from us, because we remind them of some bad times and it interferes with what they are doing at the moment. We get minimal responses to any communication.

Yes, I have a LOT of negative self-talk. Good expression. At a time like this (holidays, son moving), I get especially remorseful for what I have caused: literally killing our family off. Then, I get upset with myself for doing so, then I slip into some borderline behavior, get needy, want reassurance, and then get angry if I don't get what I want. As soon as I realize that I'm doing this (or if my DH points it out first), I am able to stop the BPD behavior. Then, I feel bad again about what I've just done. It's a vicious circle and God and prayer are the only things that keep me somewhat in check, besides my husband. I have shown him and taught him what it is like to think like a borderline. I call it borderland, because it is not just a line but a whole land that I can fall into under great duress. I will try your suggestion of affirmation. I will also be starting the self-help lessons on this site. Thank you again for caring to reply.

Cynwyd


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2011 12:39 pm 
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Hi Cynwyd-

It's great that you are choosing a better path now :)

Are you pursuing specific therapy for BPD, such as DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy)?


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2011 2:34 pm 
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Auspicious,

No, I am not pursuing therapy at this time because therapy has only made things worse in my life and there aren't any competent therapists in our town. I am doing what I can through self help and this forum. I am open to any and all suggestions, though, if you have any insights you'd like to share.

Cynwyd


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 Post subject: Re: Ruined Life, Marriage, Family—Help!
PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 8:42 am 
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Cynwyd wrote:
Auspicious,

No, I am not pursuing therapy at this time because therapy has only made things worse in my life and there aren't any competent therapists in our town. I am doing what I can through self help and this forum. I am open to any and all suggestions, though, if you have any insights you'd like to share.

Cynwyd


My wife has benefited greatly from DBT. It might be worth exploring. It's a pretty different type of therapy, developed specifically for BPD.

Might be worth finding a DBT provider and at least asking them some questions about it.


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